Story for my children

After watching Chocolat for the umpteenth time recently I started having Hot Chocolate now in the morning and even though I am not even close of making it half as good as la Binoche did it reminded of of some good times I had a long time ago.

Back in 1978 early winter your mum and I used to go for long walks in the snow to errrrr cool our hormones mainly LOL

And we discovered this really nice Colombian Cafeteria miles away.  

They just had this awesome awesome Hot Chocolate served straight out of a copper pot into a huge bowl made of real chocolate and subtle spices and all for the price of any regular hot chocolate anywhere.

After a long cold winter walk it was pure heaven I tell ya.

We were very very poor I think we just had had a huge raise on our weekly allowance from $2 to $5 each. 

So that was a huge $10 to spend between the both of us.

So we spent it on hot chocolates and
empanadas or enchiladas or what not they had.

One of the owners took a liking to us and
when we left he always gave us a huge bag of
Empanadas /Enchiladas/ WhatNots
FOR FREE
worth more than all we had bought on that night
while his partner gave him the evil eye LOL

Needless to say that business went tits up in no time 

but those were good times.

Scatology and Eschatology again.

Thoughts from last night

Some people worry much about death yet they don't worry at all about the 8 hours "death" they have every single night. 

Sleep, Unconsciousness, coma, death and even Alzheimer/dementia all the same thing really deep down.

Morpheus, Hypnos and Thanatos are all interrelated.

Sure there remains the Hamlet's

What Dreams may or may not come thingie but still unconsciousness, oblivion, being unborn
or being dead is all the same thing. 

We didn't miss it before we won't miss it after.

Same process for every single trillions and trillions of life forms except we think we are "Special" apes very similar to many Rusty Cohle conversations here.


I think human consciousness, is a tragic misstep in evolution. We became too self-aware, nature created an aspect of nature separate from itself, we are creatures that should not exist by natural law. We are things that labor under the illusion of having a self; an accretion of sensory, experience and feeling, programmed with total assurance that we are each somebody, when in fact everybody is nobody. Maybe the honorable thing for our species to do is deny our programming, stop reproducing, walk hand in hand into extinction, one last midnight, brothers and sisters opting out of a raw deal.

The ontological fallacy of expecting a light at the end of the tunnel, well, that’s what the preacher sells, same as a shrink. See, the preacher, he encourages your capacity for illusion. Then he tells you it’s a fucking virtue. Always a buck to be had doing that, and it’s such a desperate sense of entitlement, isn’t it?

If you live to 70 
you spend roughly 400 thousands hours "awake" 
and 200 thousands hours sleeping.

Now the fact that you were sleeping for billions of years before you were born 

and will be sleeping again for another few billion years again 

should not be so dreadful.

The problem obviously came with the invention of religion and scary horror story for the sole purpose to control you and make some money from you again like Rusty said it all started when one monkey looked at the sun and said to the other monkey
 "he said to give me all your bananas/money etc."

It IS the country from where no one has returned therefore no one knows for sure.

I like to think of it as the great Equaliser or the great rest somehow.

No more pain, no more heartbreak, 

no more lies, no more deceit, 

hell no more pissing or shitting even. 

Death IS our one last DUMP.

So when you gotta go, you gotta go. 

My story again or part of it anyway

I am 62 years old. I have been Catholic, Protestant, Evangelical and what not. I served mass as a choir boy

 IN LATIN FFS.

Used to get up at 4 am to serve the 6am mass to give me time to tie the hundred buttons on that damn robe. 

The whole province had what they called a quiet revolution in the sixties and the Catholic Church lost a lot of power. 

I strayed away like most nearly killed myself with drugs many a times betweeen 16 and 20

went to a detox centre and shortly after in 1976 I had an 'unfortunate' encounter with a young man that was followed quickly by a "conversion" went to a baptist church and of course a great fall 1 month later .

Another  month gone  and one homeless night in a highly anxious and homeless situation I ended up in a cult for way too many years. 

Well to be exact the 'conversion' was August 12, 1976 and my first entrance in the cult was October 12th. 1976

I got married on June 10th 1978 and left the cult for the first time on June 10th, 1988 disillusioned at the thought of losing my children to other cult's members as I had no choice or no power in the situation.

Needless to say i did not adapt well to the "outside world" and I went back willingly in the cult in June 1990.  I keep a few dates in a document due to my failing memory.


March 1989 33 First time to see the kids in 9 months (9, 7, 5)
24-08-89 33 Dad passed away
June 1990 34 Second Entry
June 1991 35 End of one year “probation”

I was put in "probation" for a whole year and was allowed back with my wife for a whole 9 months and my history with the cult finally ended on March 14th 1992.

I have to confess it took me another zillion years to finally get deprogrammed.

14-03-1992 36 Second Departure from the cult (Kids 12, 10, 8)
      07-1993 37 Serge St Jude
25-12-1993 37 First time to see the kids in One Year and 9 Months (14, 11, 10)
Jan to June 1994 6 months of silence treatment ( 15,12,10)

I lived at my brother for 6 months got kicked out of there and it took me 1 year and nine months to see my kids again after a lengthy battle with depression and the family court laws and dirty low blows false accusations from the cult  where I gained supervised visits (supervised by the cult) where the silence treatment was sometimes suspended to insult me, call me names, deny me, and even spit on me.

(and one wonders why I am not more fucked up than I am, people were questioning my sanity way back then to keep going to this treatment weekly with no money and no cars depending on friends to drive me for an hour (in winter storms sometimes) wait for 3 hours and drive me back home completely shattered.

And I am not even mentioning the insanity going up in my own home as a child which is prolly another reason for early BPD , and ending up in a cult for so long) 

by friends I mean people from a Baptist Church I was attending at the time.)

All in all I was BAPTIZED FOUR TIMES.

Once as a baby, once in the cult and ANOTHER time in the cult because obviously I wasn't good enough and I needed more cleansing and even once here AGAIN in Australia at the Church of Christ (along with Sue even).

When did I become a full atheist then? I am not quite sure it happened progressively but is has been many years now and I doubt very much I will revert now to anything else but rational secularism. 

there would be a lot more to say 62 years is a fucking long long time but I have to keep some for the next episodes I suppose! :P 

P.S. I was diagnosed as bipolar a few years ago 2009  but in hindsight it has "always" been there or for a long long time anyway I can assure you that on the night of October 12th, 1976 I was highly manic, hindsight is 20/20.

PROGRIS RIPORT GIANEWARY 11, 2018

WELL WELL WELL WHERE TO START?

I always feel I make myself a little vulnerable when I do this shit but here it goes anyway.
Christmas? OK, New Year's? Boff, I slept though the 'dropping of the ball" Had a grandad nap from about 10PM to 1.

Now to the main dish.

On my birthday Dec 29th I noticed my PATCH was 3 days late.

For those who don't know and I might never have mentioned it I have been on Norspan 20 (Buprenorphine) patches for many years,

I don't remember when exactly and I intend to find out soon but I have old documents of medication list dated 2014 and 2015 and it could be even before that.  Way back then I had a back arm pain that kept me awake at night to run for painkillers every 4 hours. I was diagnosed with spondylitys and put on Norspan by Gino and Brad. ( I always call my doctors by their first names lol)

A few times over the years me being the space cadet that I am I forgot to change my patch for a day or two and I was painfully reminded by insomnia, stomach pains, high anxiety and arm pain as well: regular symptom of withdrawals I assume. (now I write the date on the patch the day I put it on with a Sharpie)

Now on my birthday (after being in pain for many days, just another boring story but for many years now again I get a major infection in my face due I presumed to a fucked up surgery way back then in Fremantle where someone went shit crazy with the carbolic acid after a cyst removal that had to be done twice)

All of this is related to my infamous Gorlin Syndrome which we will talk about again a little further down.) I sure hope I make some fucking sense cuz I have a hard time to follow my fucking story myself.

So where was I? O yeah December 29th 3 days late and no symptoms of witdrawals or extra pain (beside the one in my face) so I said to myself (wisely or not time will tell) so I said to myself Hey one drug less in your system wouldn't hurt you know.

Well well well there has been good days and bad days and hellish days,  Slept 16 hours or couldn't sleep at all, tossing around for hours in pain and insomnia, switching from bed to settee not to wake Sue up with my restlesness and one of the worst part almost a back breaking giving up experience is when I slept from 8am to 7 pm and hardly saw Sue at all.

 I feel better now well a little, still have probs with insomnia and stomach problems too.  I have had days where I didn't need any meds at all ( except form daily shit I take since heart surgery in 2005) and at other times well I need a moderate amount of Panadeine Forte and/or extra codeine and or Valium and even oxycodone sometimes and also Imodium.  I try very hard to be very reasonable with all those I am totally aware that an addiction to codeine that last only 4 hours would be far worse than my addiction to my  weekly patch,

So I hope all of this makes a little sense and explains where my head and body have been through for the past fortnight.

I also get extremely emotional and downright depressed ( I hardly touch my games anymore) and I wasn't feeling too well either on Monday when I went to Fiona Stanley for an exam for my next surgeries for my reoccurring BCC's.  I almost came out in tears and quite deflated because they mentioned the 2 DREADED WORDS AGAIN:  SKIN GRAFT.

I just finished suffering a month of hellish, burning pain and lack of sleep because of the last one and now they wanna do ANOTHER already.  Something big behind my other ear apparently. Seeing my dejection they said they were gonna do their best to avoid it but it might not be possible. I asked em to pick a donor side where I could sleep somehow but it is all complicated after all they don't want hair growing from the back of my year apparently LOL

So this is where I am at.  I am seeing my GP on the 18th and my 'shrink' on the 30th.  I intend to ask him for the 10 and 5 patches just in case it gets too much at least it would feel like half a victory if I can cut in half and not 2 weeks of utter pain and failure.

FSH (Fiona Stanley Hospital) will send me the usual letters for my next appointment Within a month they say.

P.S. In my self-diagnosis ( I often try to analyse biological factors) I was a bit surprised that my spondylitis seems to have gone and that triceps horrible pain does not seem to be a problem anymore.  No one will even know why I suppose but a lot of my health and body troubles seem to be related to that magic 100 kgs, And since I broke under the hunnerd again in my past trip to France well maybe the nerves have readjusted to less weight pressure who the fuck knows?

In the famous words of Dr Claire Lewicki / Nicole Kidman again
One of my top five quotations ever

Dr. Claire Lewicki: Control is an illusion, you infantile egomaniac. Nobody knows what's gonna happen next: not on a freeway, not in an airplane, not inside our own bodies and certainly not on a racetrack with 40 other infantile egomaniacs.

Sometimes I don't even know why I write all that since hardly anyone reads my blogs but it gives me a hard record anyway of facts and dates

P.P.S. I just checked with my pharmacist who would have better records than my doctor since my doctor archived all records when they moved to Safety Bay
Anyway First Norspan script ever was

December 6th, 2011

So 6 full years on that shit.