THOUGHTS WHILE THEY LAST

 I was reading just yesterday that a man has on average 6000 thoughts a day and I thought to myself: What a small number I am sure I  beat that every day.

André Fortin (Colocs) said in one of his song I just relived 100, 000 other lives in 1 second and as a bipolar too I can UNDERSTAND that.

L'histoire du monde pis mon histoire sont mélangées
J'viens juste de r'vivre cent milles autres vies en une seconde
Toutes mes conneries pis l'ambition de l'humanité
Ça r'vient au même
Y'a pas d'coupable, y'a pas de honte

I can UNDERSTAND that and I can relate to his world.

Mind you most meditators and Buddhists and many others will tell you that if you OBSERVE these trillion thoughts you soon realize they are pointless and moot and purposeless and downright useless AND they might have a point 

• Batty: I've seen things you people wouldn't believe. Attack ships on fire off the shoulder of Orion. I watched C-beams glitter in the dark near the Tannhauser gate. All those moments will be lost in time... like tears in rain... Time to die.
  
  because as 
  Rutger Hauer / Batty says  ALL WILL BE LOST IN TIME 
  
  But still they are at times entertaining while we are alive 
  All the WHYS and HOWS and WHEN and WHAT
  Why is man so utterly stupid?
  How does he manage not to see? 
  When is he gonna realize?
  and What is he never?
  
  NEVER: Which is more than likely the only logical extrapolation possible 
  
  EXTRAPOLATION is such a beautiful word rarely used and understood or even thought of in this world.
  
  How many words have been wasted to try to understand?
  How many speeches?
  How many writings in how many languages.
  
  I mean I understood at 14 that the world is a bad place a sad place a terrible place to live but as Dean Ford from Marmalade said: I DON'T WANNA DIE
  
  (slightly upset at the mo that duckduckgo has gone to the dark  side and the first link they give you now is as Van the Man says TRYING TO SELL YOU SOME TRIPE or SHITE as I prefer)
  
  Any hoot typing this one live as we speak straight on my blog as opposed to me usually typing a Word document first but with my usual Kerouac style of 
  STREAM OF CONSCIOUSNESS 
  WHILE I am Still Conscious.
  I mean Dead and Alzheimer's and Dementia people as a rule 
  don't write blogs.
  Mind you with billions of others writing blogs or doing podcasts or short reels the Huxleyan Noise is relentless.
  
  I got 28 minutes before my FLOW is interrupted as I started that just before Tea Time
  
  But what is there more to say that I haven't said already? that hasn't been said? 
  
  We do live in a very chaotic world these days and my trip to Canada may even be postponed! Time will tell.
  
  But on the subject of religion and gods and free will I could go on on  these forever. 
  Of course there is no answer and that might be the whole point of life :
  THERE IS NO ANSWER! 
  the best minds are far from being enough and as I mentioned many many times 
  WE ARE DEFECTIVE ENGINEERING 
  blinded by hubris and greed and trauma and suffering and there is no answer again 
  what did the Moody Blues say about that? 
  
  Revolution never won
  It's just another form of gun
  (so many people, so many people)
  To do again what they have done 
  
  
  • what did the Moody Blues say about that? 
    that whole song says it all Lost in a lost world 
    
    https://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/moodyblues/lostinalostworld.html
    
    Anyway that 70 number is weighing on me lately thinking that the years ahead of me are so much shorter than the years behind me as I am trying to remember too the years behind me and my long long pilgrimage 
    MY PEREGRINATION and
    HOLY FUCK
    DID I EVER 
    PEREGRINATE :P 
    
    Anyway after I am gone and nothing but Ashes at the bottom of the Indian Ocean when all these bones and skins and fat and what not are gone in vapor and ashes when this brain is reduced to powder some of my words here might last just a little longer than me and I hope they find a reader or two
    
    I still find some pearls in this blog among this ton of manure that I wrote but that is what life is all about 
    finding pearls in manure until one becomes the MANURE, The fertilizer the SHIT that makes things grow and feeds other new form of lives. 
    
    So while this shit is still breathing I will lay some moments here which have a better chance to leave a mark than the thousands of hours I spent playing video game but then again one apparently needs a hobby :P  
    Something to do with not tending the bow all the time so it is still useful  when you want to use it
    
    Speaking of using it or losing it I am not much different than the rest of us as the zeitgeist in turning us all into mush 
    we will become the marmalade soon
    Back soon I hope
  
  
  
  
  

THIS TOO SHALL PASS aka Le Rendez-vous de tous les Vivants

Like people,  All blogs die.

I used to see this blog of mine as a barometer well it is the calm before the last storm then.

Not that there is nothing happening my mind is running at light speed as always and lately it has even hit Warp 9 hell Warp 11 even.

The sad loss of my cat sent me into an existential spin down into the abyss I nearly didn't come out of.

While the world is in Chaos as it always is, Trump, War, the usual madness I am torn to pieces over the loss of a cat I cherished over the past 4 years.
Add to this a  long spell of excruciating back pain worse than any pain I ever had in my life and I had open heart surgery, broken bones, and a gallbladder attack which is way up on the Richter Scale of Pain.

Plus nearing 70 and the entropy taking its toll and my body slowly breaking apart piece by piece, prostate and liver on a "decrepifying" route these days to use a Diablo term, the necromancer decrepify curse.

Oh well I  keep telling myself this is definitely the last stretch I mean I keep being reminded of this old Psalm 

Psalm 90:10

King James Version

10 The days of our years are threescore years and ten; and if by reason of strength they be fourscore years, yet is their strength labour and sorrow; for it is soon cut off, and we fly away.

So yeah make it to 70 and then start to count 
Just lately Ozzy Osbourne, Richard Simmons and millions and millions of other go in their 70's including Dean Ford who I am listening to at this very moment.

Actually I have been lucky to make it to 70 as many haven't made it this far, starting with my own daughter, my dad, Rod Serling, Doug Adams , Robert Palmer and many other heavy smokers, Tim Curry made it to his 70s but not in the best of shapes.

Anyway this blog at the beginning was supposed to be my legacy I was young and stupid and delusional at the time but it is going to drown in the abyss with every other atom of this universe 

So what is going on and what will be going on?
Well I try to be as NUMB as I possibly can with this cat business as I was deeply deeply hurt and still am underneath trying to be Stoic about it.
But Stoicism a bit like Buddhism is utter bullshit like all the rest and all the corrupt reasoning of our Simian minds trying to understand what the fuck is going on? 

I think Shadowlands (C.S. Lewis) had a better approach as I keep thinking about this touching movie more and more 

NO! It won't do~ This is a bloody awful mess and that's all there is to it

or as Ozzy would say 

There was a time when I was much younger and much more foolish when I was saying in my bipolar ways that in life we only choose the heights of our mountains and that the depth of our valleys is equal And I liked my mountains to be high but now my valleys are nearly killing me and I am not so sure anymore and the word flatlining seems to be appealing.

Anyhoot there are a few interesting prospects in the near future in the form of travelling even though the thought of travelling sounds more and more exhausting and sometimes early in the morning (not my best time of the day) utterly frightening. 

But that is all we have: MEMORIES
until they leave us that is. 
Columbo didn't even know he was Columbo when he died.  

So let's build our last ones and then go on to
Le Rendez Vous de Tous les Hommes~ 

Another biblical expression I love from the French version

Car, je le sais, tu me mènes à la mort, 

Au rendez-vous de tous les vivants.

poorly translated as 

For I know that thou wilt bring me to death,

and to the house appointed for all living.

Job 30:23

UNCERTAINTY

 UNCERTAINTY aka BAD RNG; REALLY BAD RNG

and then again one has to define bad and really again semantics are so complicated once you start mixing them with PERSPECTIVE.

short of a Thesaurus here I feel destroyed, broken, dead inside, distraught, sobbing uncontrollably, was sobbing so bad earlier I could hardly breathe.

I am not sure where the loss of a pet fits on the trauma scale but in my case it is usually pretty high.

Hopelessness, despair, emptiness don't even know what I want to do with myself to numb the atrocious pain

I got enough pills and booze here to kill a whale or two but strangely enough I have been using them very sparingly when it gets too much. 

Still shaking my head though at my bad luck and at the timing of it all, 

as if there was ever a good timing for bad luck or bad RNG as I call it 

Life like a video game is nothing but RNG from conception to death;

 
RANDOM NUMBER GENERATION

Uncertainty is the case for any single life form really from the smallest to the biggest

MANY MANY have had MUCH MUCH WORSE THAN ME but it just seems irrelevant at the moment it doesn't assuage my pain one single bit. I don't feel their pain and they don't feel mine.

King James Bible Proverbs 14;10 old wisdom

The heart knoweth his own bitterness; 

and a stranger doth not intermeddle with his joy.

living one second at a time here breath by breath waiting for this pain to recede a little :
this utter sadness

I feel alone and selfish and the weather is not helping keeping me pretty well locked inside and the weekend is not helping either. Yesterday I was gonna go seek some desperate help at the local Adult Mental Health services (even though I can't think of what they could do) but I was rained out.

I had a short encounter with a caring soul but I feel like I am just awful company at the moment with my sad story and the constant lump in my throat  ready to explode in ugly blubbering at any moment.

I can't even go out and ask the neighbours if they have seen anything without breaking down

BROKEN is a word that comes to mind often lately; I AM BROKEN! 

Anyway I wasn't gonna leave my blog , my legacy with a photo of Woody Allen so I thought I would add this at least pour my heart on a cold screen 

Short Musings

Time and dates seems to be a recurring subject here

Not sure if it is part of the autistic spectrum

but a score (20) years ago they gave me 6 months to live!

(Bypass 14-02-2005)

and on the 10th of March it's gonna be 11 years that we moved here (government housing)

and a million other things happen

but like Leonard Cohen says

I can't keep track of every fallen robin

Blog is dying

days are passing

... and then one day they will stop to pass

I often have a stream of consciousness looking at my hands. looking at my reflection in the mirror,

looking, hearing, seeing, smelling, tasting

and then THINKING soon enough ALL THIS WILL BE GONE

Boris: Nothingness... non-existence... black emptiness...

Sonja: What did you say? Boris: Oh, I was just planning my future.

CHEERS!

When the Great Equaliser finally comes all the senses will be gone and all the thinking as well. All the joys and ALSO all the pain ... like tears in rain  

Eat and Drink and be Merry for tomorrow ye shall die :)

 

AFAIAC Activism is a mental illness and Activists have major issues,
some sort of denial and projection and all sorts of twisted ways to deal with problems that are deep within themselves:
a repressed anger aimed outward instead of inward

they are like the modern Don Quixotes fighting hot air in battle they cannot win
( despite sometimes short victories that will be overrun soon enough) 

The good old "Fix your own house / Clean your Own Room

before you go and fix the world or what YOU THINK is wrong with it

Every time I see one I am always reminded of the words of Ani DiFranco an ageing activist herself 

Your Next Bold Move

Song by

Ani DiFranco

coming of age during the plague

of reagan and bush

watching capitalism gun down democracy

it had this funny effect on me

I guess

I am cancer

I am HIV

and I am down at the blue jesus

blue cross hospital

just lookin' up from my pillow

feeling blessed

and the mighty multinationals

have monopolized the oxygen

so it's as easy as breathing

for us all to participate

yes they're buying and selling

off shares of air

and you know it's all around you

but it's hard to point and say "there"

so you just sit on your hands

and quietly contemplate

your next bold move

the next thing you're gonna have to prove

to yourself

what a waste of thumbs that are opposable

to make machines that are disposable

and sell them to seagulls flying in circles

around one big right wing

yes, the left wing was broken long ago

by the slingshot of cointelpro

and now it's so hard to have faith in

anything

especially your next bold move

or the next thing you're gonna need to prove

to yourself

you want to track each trickle

back to its source

and then scream up the faucet

'til your face is hoarse

cuz you're surrounded by a world's worth

of things you just can't excuse

but you've got the hard cough of a chain smoker

and you're at the arctic circle playing strip poker

and it's getting colder and colder

everytime you lose

so go ahead

make your next bold move

tell us

what's the next thing you're gonna have to prove

to yourself

THE OLDER I GET NOW,
THE LESS I HAVE TO PROVE TO MYSELF
OR TO ANYONE ELSE.

I mean I just saw a 7 year old called a conservationist activist.

A bit like that Greta girl.

Talk about devious malevolent parenting now

The world praises this 

and I call it Child Abuse 

There is absolutely no way ever
that that left wing will ever be fixed or healed>

It is FUBAR now and forever 

and the powers that be will ensure it remains so no matter how much mouthing off one does

plus the powers that be are mostly invisible to all these Don Quixotes on their high horses

So enjoy your life eat and drink and be merry for tomorrow ye shall die just like the rest of us: billions and billions 

And stop playing strip poker on the Artic Circle now :| 

The Bungled and the Botched

  

It has been given to us the human race to dream, to imagine a 'perfect' world but NOT to create one:

This constantly haunting escaping utopia.

One of the problems, maybe the main one, IS that to begin with each one of us has a different idea of a utopia so since we can't create even one let's forget about 8 billion utopias now.

To begin with LIFE ITSELF would have to be turned upside down and recreated.

You Can't have a utopia when you need to kill something to survive would it be animals or PLANTS.

Plus if you messed with plants you also mess with a whole ecological system where an awful lot of life forms are hurt.

I love the idea Neil deGrasse Tyson once brought of a life sustained by PHOTOSYNTHESIS.  

I don't think the light would mind now.

And then we gotta change completely the whole human psyche this whole Freudian Fucking Nightmare prolly starting with getting rid of Freud altogether .

It is just absolutely IMPOSSIBLE to imagine in what I have been calling forever or defective engineering.

But to some of us it has been given to dream. Some can't afford to dream as they are justly concerned about where and when their meal will come or haven't been given the basic genes to do so. Or they dream about some old superstition they have been given without asking questions.

I am almost back to my very first blog here and Jeff Bridges in the Fischer King.

You ever read any Nietzsche? Nietzsche says there's two kinds of people in the world: people who are destined for greatness like Walt Disney... and Hitler. Then there's the rest of us, he called us "the bungled and the botched." We get teased. We sometimes get close to greatness, but we never get there. We're the expendable masses. We get pushed in front of trains, take poison aspirin... get gunned down in Dairy Queens.

Not that I would consider Disney or Hitler good mind you.

I don't think there has ever been a single "GOOD" one: not Jesus, not Buddha, not anybody.

None of them have brought a permanent good change but rather the opposite : blood and violence and murderous schism. 

I have expanded before on the words of Leonard Cohen in The Future 

Give me Stalin and St. Paul

Give me Christ

Or give me Hiroshima

https://prophetofnoprofit.blogspot.com/2010/10/give-me-stalin-and-st-paul.html 

but back the the "inspiration" to all this the constant reoccurring thought wish dream of one day coming with 

AN UNDERSTANDING 

No wonder there is such a need in the human psyche to come up with an 

OLAM HA BA 

because this fucking OLAM sucks big fucking time.

this OLAM HA ZE 

But our lame attempts at creating this world to come have all the shortcomings of our nature creating just another fucked up world with just another petty dictator god with ginormous issues.

So sure, I have said all this a hundred times but sometimes I feel it is the best use of time I can do...

WISHING and HOPING in vain until there is no more wish or hope or breath in my body because after all as I have said again all the bullshit we have created for millennials about words like soul and spirit mean absolutely nothing else than BREATH / AIR. 

No more breath no more air in us and no more dreams no more hope no more anything. As far as we are concerned all has ceased to exist

in a strange way this world this cosmos ends with us, it ends when we're ending.

I don't think I can even imagine a proper utopia myself

I still love the idea of Huxley to eliminate all parental interference in procreating. That would problably eliminate so many serial killers and a fuckton of criminals to begin with.

And yeah there is a lot to be said about all life produced by photosynthesis.

I cringe every day at all these "cruel" videos of animals being killed and gored or just unnecessarily annoyed sometimes.  

The rest would require more energy than I have at the moment but bottom line also it would probably KILL all litterature and 99% of all art since 

HAPPY PEOPLE have no history and

are basically BORING AS FUCK.

 Which brings me back to another utopia/dystopia I have mentioned often

THE TIME MACHINE

A world where Eloi would live peacefully again without the Morlock but let's face it again the Eloi were also BORING AS FUCK.  So the problem it seems is our need to be entertained with drama LOL 

 anyway try to imagine
A world with no pain whatsoever, physical or emotional
a world with no war
a world where a parent never hurts a child
where a partner/lover doesn't hurt another partner/lover
a world with NO MALICE WHATSOEVER 
kindness and softness everywhere
what else could we add to this world without the utter boredom of playing harp on a fucking cloud surrounded by self-righteous pricks like us rejoicing in the eternal damnation and suffering of others, like I said we create our gods as petty and low life as us 
back to John Lennon here with NO COUNTRIES and NO RELIGION
living life in PEACE a word we don't understand whatsoever

Anyway the one good thing about this imperfect life is that 
DEATH IS THE ULTIMATE EQUALISER!  
One NEEDS an end to all this misery eventually

Over and Out for now
Dreaming is Exhausting 

Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness

 

Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness

Or is there such a thing now?
I always remember these words from Keith Green:
Lord Set us Free from Chains we Cannot See.
Thing is ALL OF US have chains we cannot see and how can we break them if we don't see them if
We don't even know that we have them to begin with?

Like this elephant that was tied for a while and once you remove the tie he still stands there as if the tie was still on? 

Many of these chains I see are so-called cultural like we were molded unwillingly in the zeitgeist of our nation, our language, our CULTURE.

We are basically cultivated and as much as an apple cannot decide suddenly to be a pear we are what we were molded into from a very young age sometimes even almost at the DNA level.

I see it in Quebec people, in Brits, in French people and in all possible culture and tribe I guess.

They cannot escape the mold they were shaped in and more over they don't even know they were molded. 

Some are very very proud of this mold in fact, of this chain, and get very angry at people who don't follow it with epithet like unamerican or unaustralian and what not as if the RNG of where your ancestor's sperm fell was god given or  special.

Everyday I look out and I really question free will.
Free will of getting into a drunken brawl every night? or the free will of living a life of horrendous crimes after having been raised my horrendous parents worse than animals? 
In a proper justice system sometimes it is the parents who should get the chair really.
The freedom of native nation who once were kind of free of following their tribe's superstitions but now that those have been stolen away they're left with nothing?  The freedom to not overthink when you're half-intelligent? Speaking of I was a little surprised and intrigued to learn that Nepal was the country with the lowest IQ in the world and yet ALSO the happiest country in the world. I guess they too have their own superstitions and chains though. But I mean lower than 50? Wow! 
Most low IQ would resort to crime more than often.
Anyway it comes down again to something I have expressed often: the ability to see things OBJECTIVELY , to understand more or less what is going on and what causes what. To be this Laplace Demon and KNOW! To be the all knowing all understanding being. Hard to imagine though all an all-knowing all seeing all undertanding being could be ALL GOOD whatever that word means.  

We're little more than monkeys and most of the time much more cruel and malicious than they could ever be. I mean monkeys can only dismember one of theirs one at a time. It is mind blowing though how twisted a human mind is and can be. 

What we call justification and rationalisation has no end and I don't need to watch Oppeinheimer to know.

All throughout history there has been a numberless amount of horrors committed over and over again and again and we haven't learned fuck all from it all, absolutely nothing, it is repeated every goddamn day and we shake our head and recite Lest We Forget MINDLESSLY. 

I don't see any change in the near or even distant future in the year 2525 or 3535 IF ever the self destructive human race makes it there I think good old Leonard might have been on to something here I have seen the FUTURE and it is MURDER