OFF THE CUFF

 or Stream of Consciousness as Kerouac called it IIRC 

so many things all entangled and yet some sort of a continuous An ARADNEAN  thread in there  somewhere. 

Troubled as many and yet trying not to be by all the troubles in the world and by the constant flow, wait not flow,
 some constant TSUNAMI of bombardments about the Orange Clown climbing the Mount Everest of Outrage, Ugliness, and Stupidity and unprecedented damage too that will take decades to reverse.

And even more by the utter POWERLESSNESS that follows, by the absolute impunity and total lack of boundaries and the ratio of Words to Actions here which is astronomically SMALL as no one does fuck all but be an utterly  useless keyboard warrior and giving the narcissistic clown what he wants: attention.
 Yours Truly here guilty as charged too.

And also my the puppet holders and their complete impunity and utter lack of retributive justice.

I was just reading about them lately ASSASSINATING the latest Hamas leader: Mohammed Odeh, not by retraction or arrest or nothing like that nah just using the latest technology to locate him and spend millions to shred him to pieces him and HIS WIFE and 3 of his children, not mentioning anyone in a 100 meters radius I guess. 
I have said it before the not so cute euphemism Collateral Damage means babies arms and body parts flying in the air or some Vietnamese girl burnt to a crisp running and crying in terror

It reminded me of this scene in Scarface where Pacino / Tony Montana got into a world of troubles because he had PRINCIPLES, PRINCIPLES that many gangsters and hard criminals also have: No Women and No Children. END OF.

Not quite sure what happened and when but it seems to me we lost something important along the way. 
Cointelpro Lies and Deceit Big Money Schemes and so on.

Sure there has been darkness for thousands of years and there still is I mean COLONIALISM and PILLAGING AND RAPING AND MURDERING happens every single fucking day and we all are guilty of it by some association somehow. 

I mean if you are British or French or Dutch or Spanish or Portuguese GUILTY as FUCK.
 (Belgian with the Congo etc etc) 
They have all done it and they too thought they were invincible and more importantly INNOCENT AS FUCK. 

I am often reminded of this old Proverbs verse 

20Such is the way of an adulterous woman; she eateth, and wipeth her mouth, and saith, I have done no wickedness.

I mean SELF RIGHTEOUSNESS is the only sin and UGLY AS FUCK 

and I too like Asaph sometimes in Psalm 73 

16 When I thought to know this, it was too painful for me;

But UNLIKE Asaph I can't escape in lies and deceptions and delusional escape.

I guess the human mind is not able to comprehend reality and perspective and all these HUGE numbers are too much to fathom. 

The weight of the pains and hurts and suffering in this world is immeasurable. Mine and 8 billions more multiplied daily. 

Now I am not even getting about the fact that even though we the human race are able to write and communicate about of pains but trillions of life forms SUFFER every single second on this planet would it be a cat ran over by a car or a mother antelope who just lost her baby to the law of the jungle. 

16 When I thought to know this, it was too painful for me;

Somehow we have to compartmentalize our view of reality

I can  only hope things settle down a little but then again I am also thinking of the incoming preliminaries as Leonard Cohen called it.

At 70 I read the obituaries every day (have done so for years) and a fuckton of people kick the bucket in their 70s.

Anyhow I ran out of juice but you get the gist as always or you don't as I kind of know no one is reading this just leaving it as a trail of my last thoughts like HAL and Charlie Gordon

and all these words will be lost soon like tears in the rain 

The funniest most ironic part is I wouldn't  even read myself as I don't have the span of attention anymore .
I curse and moan at every fucking YouTuber rambling for 30 mins as it seems to be one rule of money making and obviously I am not in the marketing target

The photo above reminded me also of all the horrors we see in John Lennon's video the war is over. 
The deaths, the innocents, the years and years of maiming and suffering etc.

16 When I thought to know this, it was too painful for me; 

Anyway again what is the point eh?  
Back to my ancient Zoroastrian Prophet here: 
NOTHING REALLY MATTERS IT IS CLEAR TO SEE
Nothing really matters.... to me ♫♪♫

and I haven't even covered my own little trivial pains here 
my pains and aches my fucking elbow hurting every day my grieving over my youngest daughter or even my cat not mentioning the daily challenge of conjugal bliss as I would NOT live with myself  I AM IMPOSSIBLE, FUBAR Scarred beyond repair and patiently waiting for deliverance 

I would be funner if I believed in the fairy tales that I will be reunited with my daughter and my cat but NAH.
Darkness and Oblivion : It is what it is,

Reminds me of the joke that got Stephen Fry kicked out of a Mormon gathering where the preacher was saying in eternity you will be reunited with you family
And Stephen Fry asked Yeah but what about if you were GOOD?   LMAO 
An eternity with my mum is what I would call the most cruel hell She had done enough damage already 

End of Cuff and Stream of CONSCIOUNESS or what is left of it anyway 

MEMORIES

 It's March, winter time in Canada, you go home for lunch since the school is just a couple of blocks away, you eat your soup and you say some stupid teenager thing I guess, first thing you know as you bend down to slurp your soup your mother from hell slaps you really hard in the back of the head and doing so slams your face into your bowl of boiling soup. You scream in rage and run out of the table, you grab your coat on your way out but mother from hell wrestles you with it and plays tug of war and wins as you let her fall on her ass in the stairwell.

You're out in March with your shirt on. You can't go to school because mother from hell is gonna track you there and humiliate you some more.

So you hang around til you can't take the cold anymore and you have to go back home with your tail between your legs.

The school next day gives you 9 detentions, 3 per period you missed. You already have 6 detentions a week because Sister Graziella Hurtibise the music teacher took a dislike to you and banned you from her class so you're in til the end of the year HELL they might keep you in detention for the summer vacations.

My sister the year after ended up in Sister Graziella Hurtibise the year after the only thing she heard was 

You're a CAISSY? OUT! OUT! OUT! 

She was traumatised and I had ruined the name forever.

But yeah Runaway Train been there done that shooting crystal meth in back alleys taking acid with my redneck half brother and he went to dob me in so I was in no hurry to go home again,

They say music is a time machine so there it goes

THOUGHTS WHILE THEY LAST

 I was reading just yesterday that a man has on average 6000 thoughts a day and I thought to myself: What a small number I am sure I  beat that every day.

André Fortin (Colocs) said in one of his song I just relived 100, 000 other lives in 1 second and as a bipolar too I can UNDERSTAND that.

L'histoire du monde pis mon histoire sont mélangées
J'viens juste de r'vivre cent milles autres vies en une seconde
Toutes mes conneries pis l'ambition de l'humanité
Ça r'vient au même
Y'a pas d'coupable, y'a pas de honte

I can UNDERSTAND that and I can relate to his world.

Mind you most meditators and Buddhists and many others will tell you that if you OBSERVE these trillion thoughts you soon realize they are pointless and moot and purposeless and downright useless AND they might have a point 

• Batty: I've seen things you people wouldn't believe. Attack ships on fire off the shoulder of Orion. I watched C-beams glitter in the dark near the Tannhauser gate. All those moments will be lost in time... like tears in rain... Time to die.
  
  because as 
  Rutger Hauer / Batty says  ALL WILL BE LOST IN TIME 
  
  But still they are at times entertaining while we are alive 
  All the WHYS and HOWS and WHEN and WHAT
  Why is man so utterly stupid?
  How does he manage not to see? 
  When is he gonna realize?
  and What is he never?
  
  NEVER: Which is more than likely the only logical extrapolation possible 
  
  EXTRAPOLATION is such a beautiful word rarely used and understood or even thought of in this world.
  
  How many words have been wasted to try to understand?
  How many speeches?
  How many writings in how many languages.
  
  I mean I understood at 14 that the world is a bad place a sad place a terrible place to live but as Dean Ford from Marmalade said: I DON'T WANNA DIE
  
  (slightly upset at the mo that duckduckgo has gone to the dark  side and the first link they give you now is as Van the Man says TRYING TO SELL YOU SOME TRIPE or SHITE as I prefer)
  
  Any hoot typing this one live as we speak straight on my blog as opposed to me usually typing a Word document first but with my usual Kerouac style of 
  STREAM OF CONSCIOUSNESS 
  WHILE I am Still Conscious.
  I mean Dead and Alzheimer's and Dementia people as a rule 
  don't write blogs.
  Mind you with billions of others writing blogs or doing podcasts or short reels the Huxleyan Noise is relentless.
  
  I got 28 minutes before my FLOW is interrupted as I started that just before Tea Time
  
  But what is there more to say that I haven't said already? that hasn't been said? 
  
  We do live in a very chaotic world these days and my trip to Canada may even be postponed! Time will tell.
  
  But on the subject of religion and gods and free will I could go on on  these forever. 
  Of course there is no answer and that might be the whole point of life :
  THERE IS NO ANSWER! 
  the best minds are far from being enough and as I mentioned many many times 
  WE ARE DEFECTIVE ENGINEERING 
  blinded by hubris and greed and trauma and suffering and there is no answer again 
  what did the Moody Blues say about that? 
  
  Revolution never won
  It's just another form of gun
  (so many people, so many people)
  To do again what they have done 
  
  
  • what did the Moody Blues say about that? 
    that whole song says it all Lost in a lost world 
    
    https://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/moodyblues/lostinalostworld.html
    
    Anyway that 70 number is weighing on me lately thinking that the years ahead of me are so much shorter than the years behind me as I am trying to remember too the years behind me and my long long pilgrimage 
    MY PEREGRINATION and
    HOLY FUCK
    DID I EVER 
    PEREGRINATE :P 
    
    Anyway after I am gone and nothing but Ashes at the bottom of the Indian Ocean when all these bones and skins and fat and what not are gone in vapor and ashes when this brain is reduced to powder some of my words here might last just a little longer than me and I hope they find a reader or two
    
    I still find some pearls in this blog among this ton of manure that I wrote but that is what life is all about 
    finding pearls in manure until one becomes the MANURE, The fertilizer the SHIT that makes things grow and feeds other new form of lives. 
    
    So while this shit is still breathing I will lay some moments here which have a better chance to leave a mark than the thousands of hours I spent playing video game but then again one apparently needs a hobby :P  
    Something to do with not tending the bow all the time so it is still useful  when you want to use it
    
    Speaking of using it or losing it I am not much different than the rest of us as the zeitgeist in turning us all into mush 
    we will become the marmalade soon
    Back soon I hope
  
  
  
  
  

THIS TOO SHALL PASS aka Le Rendez-vous de tous les Vivants

Like people,  All blogs die.

I used to see this blog of mine as a barometer well it is the calm before the last storm then.

Not that there is nothing happening my mind is running at light speed as always and lately it has even hit Warp 9 hell Warp 11 even.

The sad loss of my cat sent me into an existential spin down into the abyss I nearly didn't come out of.

While the world is in Chaos as it always is, Trump, War, the usual madness I am torn to pieces over the loss of a cat I cherished over the past 4 years.
Add to this a  long spell of excruciating back pain worse than any pain I ever had in my life and I had open heart surgery, broken bones, and a gallbladder attack which is way up on the Richter Scale of Pain.

Plus nearing 70 and the entropy taking its toll and my body slowly breaking apart piece by piece, prostate and liver on a "decrepifying" route these days to use a Diablo term, the necromancer decrepify curse.

Oh well I  keep telling myself this is definitely the last stretch I mean I keep being reminded of this old Psalm 

Psalm 90:10

King James Version

10 The days of our years are threescore years and ten; and if by reason of strength they be fourscore years, yet is their strength labour and sorrow; for it is soon cut off, and we fly away.

So yeah make it to 70 and then start to count 
Just lately Ozzy Osbourne, Richard Simmons and millions and millions of other go in their 70's including Dean Ford who I am listening to at this very moment.

Actually I have been lucky to make it to 70 as many haven't made it this far, starting with my own daughter, my dad, Rod Serling, Doug Adams , Robert Palmer and many other heavy smokers, Tim Curry made it to his 70s but not in the best of shapes.

Anyway this blog at the beginning was supposed to be my legacy I was young and stupid and delusional at the time but it is going to drown in the abyss with every other atom of this universe 

So what is going on and what will be going on?
Well I try to be as NUMB as I possibly can with this cat business as I was deeply deeply hurt and still am underneath trying to be Stoic about it.
But Stoicism a bit like Buddhism is utter bullshit like all the rest and all the corrupt reasoning of our Simian minds trying to understand what the fuck is going on? 

I think Shadowlands (C.S. Lewis) had a better approach as I keep thinking about this touching movie more and more 

NO! It won't do~ This is a bloody awful mess and that's all there is to it

or as Ozzy would say 

There was a time when I was much younger and much more foolish when I was saying in my bipolar ways that in life we only choose the heights of our mountains and that the depth of our valleys is equal And I liked my mountains to be high but now my valleys are nearly killing me and I am not so sure anymore and the word flatlining seems to be appealing.

Anyhoot there are a few interesting prospects in the near future in the form of travelling even though the thought of travelling sounds more and more exhausting and sometimes early in the morning (not my best time of the day) utterly frightening. 

But that is all we have: MEMORIES
until they leave us that is. 
Columbo didn't even know he was Columbo when he died.  

So let's build our last ones and then go on to
Le Rendez Vous de Tous les Hommes~ 

Another biblical expression I love from the French version

Car, je le sais, tu me mènes à la mort, 

Au rendez-vous de tous les vivants.

poorly translated as 

For I know that thou wilt bring me to death,

and to the house appointed for all living.

Job 30:23

UNCERTAINTY

 UNCERTAINTY aka BAD RNG; REALLY BAD RNG

and then again one has to define bad and really again semantics are so complicated once you start mixing them with PERSPECTIVE.

short of a Thesaurus here I feel destroyed, broken, dead inside, distraught, sobbing uncontrollably, was sobbing so bad earlier I could hardly breathe.

I am not sure where the loss of a pet fits on the trauma scale but in my case it is usually pretty high.

Hopelessness, despair, emptiness don't even know what I want to do with myself to numb the atrocious pain

I got enough pills and booze here to kill a whale or two but strangely enough I have been using them very sparingly when it gets too much. 

Still shaking my head though at my bad luck and at the timing of it all, 

as if there was ever a good timing for bad luck or bad RNG as I call it 

Life like a video game is nothing but RNG from conception to death;

 
RANDOM NUMBER GENERATION

Uncertainty is the case for any single life form really from the smallest to the biggest

MANY MANY have had MUCH MUCH WORSE THAN ME but it just seems irrelevant at the moment it doesn't assuage my pain one single bit. I don't feel their pain and they don't feel mine.

King James Bible Proverbs 14;10 old wisdom

The heart knoweth his own bitterness; 

and a stranger doth not intermeddle with his joy.

living one second at a time here breath by breath waiting for this pain to recede a little :
this utter sadness

I feel alone and selfish and the weather is not helping keeping me pretty well locked inside and the weekend is not helping either. Yesterday I was gonna go seek some desperate help at the local Adult Mental Health services (even though I can't think of what they could do) but I was rained out.

I had a short encounter with a caring soul but I feel like I am just awful company at the moment with my sad story and the constant lump in my throat  ready to explode in ugly blubbering at any moment.

I can't even go out and ask the neighbours if they have seen anything without breaking down

BROKEN is a word that comes to mind often lately; I AM BROKEN! 

Anyway I wasn't gonna leave my blog , my legacy with a photo of Woody Allen so I thought I would add this at least pour my heart on a cold screen 

Short Musings

Time and dates seems to be a recurring subject here

Not sure if it is part of the autistic spectrum

but a score (20) years ago they gave me 6 months to live!

(Bypass 14-02-2005)

and on the 10th of March it's gonna be 11 years that we moved here (government housing)

and a million other things happen

but like Leonard Cohen says

I can't keep track of every fallen robin

Blog is dying

days are passing

... and then one day they will stop to pass

I often have a stream of consciousness looking at my hands. looking at my reflection in the mirror,

looking, hearing, seeing, smelling, tasting

and then THINKING soon enough ALL THIS WILL BE GONE

Boris: Nothingness... non-existence... black emptiness...

Sonja: What did you say? Boris: Oh, I was just planning my future.

CHEERS!

When the Great Equaliser finally comes all the senses will be gone and all the thinking as well. All the joys and ALSO all the pain ... like tears in rain  

Eat and Drink and be Merry for tomorrow ye shall die :)

 

AFAIAC Activism is a mental illness and Activists have major issues,
some sort of denial and projection and all sorts of twisted ways to deal with problems that are deep within themselves:
a repressed anger aimed outward instead of inward

they are like the modern Don Quixotes fighting hot air in battle they cannot win
( despite sometimes short victories that will be overrun soon enough) 

The good old "Fix your own house / Clean your Own Room

before you go and fix the world or what YOU THINK is wrong with it

Every time I see one I am always reminded of the words of Ani DiFranco an ageing activist herself 

Your Next Bold Move

Song by

Ani DiFranco

coming of age during the plague

of reagan and bush

watching capitalism gun down democracy

it had this funny effect on me

I guess

I am cancer

I am HIV

and I am down at the blue jesus

blue cross hospital

just lookin' up from my pillow

feeling blessed

and the mighty multinationals

have monopolized the oxygen

so it's as easy as breathing

for us all to participate

yes they're buying and selling

off shares of air

and you know it's all around you

but it's hard to point and say "there"

so you just sit on your hands

and quietly contemplate

your next bold move

the next thing you're gonna have to prove

to yourself

what a waste of thumbs that are opposable

to make machines that are disposable

and sell them to seagulls flying in circles

around one big right wing

yes, the left wing was broken long ago

by the slingshot of cointelpro

and now it's so hard to have faith in

anything

especially your next bold move

or the next thing you're gonna need to prove

to yourself

you want to track each trickle

back to its source

and then scream up the faucet

'til your face is hoarse

cuz you're surrounded by a world's worth

of things you just can't excuse

but you've got the hard cough of a chain smoker

and you're at the arctic circle playing strip poker

and it's getting colder and colder

everytime you lose

so go ahead

make your next bold move

tell us

what's the next thing you're gonna have to prove

to yourself

THE OLDER I GET NOW,
THE LESS I HAVE TO PROVE TO MYSELF
OR TO ANYONE ELSE.

I mean I just saw a 7 year old called a conservationist activist.

A bit like that Greta girl.

Talk about devious malevolent parenting now

The world praises this 

and I call it Child Abuse 

There is absolutely no way ever
that that left wing will ever be fixed or healed>

It is FUBAR now and forever 

and the powers that be will ensure it remains so no matter how much mouthing off one does

plus the powers that be are mostly invisible to all these Don Quixotes on their high horses

So enjoy your life eat and drink and be merry for tomorrow ye shall die just like the rest of us: billions and billions 

And stop playing strip poker on the Artic Circle now :|