see you here

Not sure what to think of this one really.

Prolly too early to think anyway,
not even finished my coffee yet BUT here we go...

The first word that came to mind here is

PROJECTION

the good ole Freudian Defence Mechanism.

Artists sometimes tend to be hubristic, 

self-centered, 

narrow minded 

and even narcissistic, 

thinking of an old blog here about Oscar Wilde

“Most people are other people. Their thoughts are someone else’s opinions, their lives a mimicry, their passions a quotation" - Oscar Wilde

One seems to forget when one writes about people is that one is people too

Here is another quotation now while I am at it, my trade mark:

Strangers passing in the street
By chance two separate glances meet
And I am you and what I see is me
And do I take you by the hand
And lead you through the land
And help me understand the best I can

I AM YOU AND WHAT I SEE IS ME

I know Bukowski has a cult following and cult following in my mind is to be avoided, it does not respond well to criticism or logic or rationalisation or reason even.

Don't get me wrong I like the guy I mean he is a lucky drunk who kind of made it but still HE could ALSO be called

A pompous blazing bastard fool poet,
a very soft small lump of humanity.

Just like so many of US

not THEM : US!

Here is Pink Floyd again! 

I must be manic again :)

 Back in the days I used to be really strong on what I call 

The Negative Golden Rule

DON'T do unto others what you DON'T want them to do unto you

as opposed to

DON'T do unto others what you DON'T want them to do unto you

As I am getting older I am starting to realise that 

what I don't like, what I don't want  means diddly squat,

it is certainly not the final authority,

the moral compass of all that is good and evil.

More than often it is one of my many idiosyncracies or kinks and mental quirks.

Some other golden rules:

Do unto others before they do unto you

or

Do unto others and then SPLIT!

Morality anyway is a bottomless pit of man made rules, dirtier than anything one could conceive,

I am also led to believe in my old age that first there is no free will and that there is only one SIN if I can use this abusive word loosely:

SELF-RIGHTEOUSNESS

There is nothing uglier
than a holier-than-thou
sour puss controlling freak.

The rest is human nature and highly forgivable, certainly not cause to throw the first stone and to highly remember where we come from, what we are, that we all have the beast, the shadow, the dark side within us and that a certain set of circumstances could certainly make this beast  come out.

Many of these aberrations are totally parent produced and the ones to be punished should often be the parents and not the poor victims of atrocious RNG.

I like to think of life as a video game as so much of it seems to be left to one thing and one thing only: RNG

Random Number Generation.

Or Luck, or Fortune or Fate as some prefer to call it so it makes them feel better,

Some RNG's are just plain horrible and some children had no chance at all to get out of the lot they were sadly given.

So here we go again just a little more of my same old same old own RNG.

Prolly nothing I haven't said before but sometimes it is good to rearrange our thoughts to see if they are still the same or have changed.

As for the golden rule I will stay in my corner and try to mind my own business and try to avoid shame and condemnation because in the end
none of this shit matters
and the Great Equaliser will get us all
and we in turn will also be shit/manure/ ashes whatever:

 a small black dot in the ocean of oblivion and nothingness.

Speaking of I often think something silly that there will be great peace in dying as it means

no more shitting and pissing, :)

activities out of my control and terrible time wasters anyway
if you ask me LOL

so dying will be in fact OUR LAST DUMP
where all of us will turn into shit
into an eternal bowel movement,

Voila for my classy enlightenment!

You are all welcome! :) 

Here we go again! VALAR MORGHULIS!!!

 

I hate losing sleep.

And most of the time I lose sleep over the silliest thing.

Last night was me worrying over a little fight I had on the Montreal site. 

One of my main annoyances last 2 days has been the death of Tina Turner. Not the fact that she is dead she was 80 something FFS more than fair game for the Grim Reaper.

No but the fact I have to read about it a gazillion times some sites posting it many many times every member thinking he or she is bringing something new.

The Montreal admin let this one flow by even he himself posted recently.

Anyway I would have to post the convo but I have now deleted it LOL I have blocked the asshole who was an absolute 

SYCOPHANT, ASSHOLE, BROWN NOSER, SUCKHOLE  :)

 as we say in English and as we say in good Quebec French

    UN ESTIE DE TÉTEUX!

He rubbed it in over and over again that he was getting away with  it

and was an ABSOLUTE ABJECT SYCOPHANT.

And it made me a little sick to my stomach and I wanted to use a few of these epithets on the site but we all know where that would have led now.

I am already in trouble with Facebook AGAIN for something they took completely out of context.  AI has no heart of mind or comprehension or maybe it was just a complete snowflake reporting me.

Story is there was a funny board on a chess site where there was an opportunity to do an en passant move which is a meme by itself in chess as it is always tempting to show that we KNOW the EN PASSANT move. Problem is that in this position doing en passant would have cost the game. SO I said joking:
En Passant by suicide!

AND HELL BROKE LOOSE.

I mentioned the 'S' word  and the world stopped.

I should have said
En Passant by seppuku or even
En Passant by Sudoku and it might have flied~!

So I got reprimanded restricted and what not because AI does not understand CONTEXT, it doesn't know the diff between the spirit of the law and the letter of the law.

I noticed the 'S' word gets blocked a lot recently like THAT is gonna help.

Anyway back to my original subject I am here sitting some other celebrity can die soon so we can MOVE THE FUCK ON,

I used to do this shit mind you and I prolly still do but I am trying to refrain from it. Thing is 2 REAL PERSONS DIE every FUCKING SECOND and I will be one of those soon but no one gives a shit.

I mean no one has prolly listened to Tina Turner in years now (I know I haven't) but now that she is dead and was long forgotten let's all go hysterical about it.

Aldous Huxley had the misfortune of dying on November 22nd, 1963 and THAT didn't make the news obviously. He was relegated to a nobody because someone "BIGGER" than him died on the same day.

Anyway not sure what it is altogether the trip coming or what not the circle of life? the cycles of life? but I was feeling my mental health was slipping down a little? The fact I don 't have a therapist for the past few weeks? WHO KNOWS? Certainly not me,

Time is relative here in Australia but even this afternoon many many hours after the fact someone posted that TT died! 

I wanted to post

IS THERE ANYONE IN THE WORLD THAT DOESN'T KNOW THAT TINA TURNER DIED YET FFS?

PLEASE HURRY UP NEXT CELEBRITY.

Again it's prolly only me again being a cantankerous mental sick fuck.

It's all well known that Social Media is NOT GOOD for mental health!~ :P 

Hurry up June 2nd so I can get lost in Diablo IV again.

It's a much better world! ;) 

VOILA! END OF RANT!  FOR NOW!

I sit and wonder some time where they're gone?

Oh dear dying blog what could I tell you today?

They say journaling is good for your mental health.

All dem spellchecks can’t keep up with the modern world!

Journaling IS a word.

Well I journal in my head a million thoughts a day but that is not the same.

[Speaking of in my usual décousu style I kind of discovered I was better at chess actually when I don’t think too much.]

Well obviously that is not the same, in fact it is more part of the problem than part of the solution.

[another strange segue I got to get back to meditation some day soon]

Some of these many thoughts are good, some are bad, and some are just pure genius! :P

Anyway as I read my old blogs once in a while I am very proud of some of my stuff.

Mind you my pearls,

to use an expression I have used many times before, are buried in a huge mountain of manure, a shit ton of shit.!

I, who is so against editing and so pro flow of consciousness could certainly used to tweaking but like everything else in life I am nothing if not a self-centered narcissistic HOARDER.

But anyway as I have said from the very beginning, after I am gone this blog will be pretty well all that is left of me.

At 67 now, it seems like “after I am gone” could be any day now.

Hahaha I left the double now on purpose now since I seem to use now a lot now when I write anyway.

But yeah my signature is there anyway all my left tendencies and all my peculiar thinking how I have been formed and shaped for so many years, meandering through life and readjusting my positions as I go.

Sometimes it seems like I rehash the same old shit over and over but so be it, consider it the cost of flow of consciousness.

Sometimes I wish there was more in this blog, sometimes I wish there was less.

Still puzzled daily with this decaying mind of mine and even wondering lately if it is not decaying but has always been decayed.

This space cadet eternal mind of mine has always been there

(strongly associated to dissociation if I was to do some self psychoanalyses: disassociation to shelter myself from unbearable beatings and a harsh world for my tender soul)

So maybe I have always been stupid but now I am old enough to just realize it is what I said this week.

I had a good cry this week after I nearly got ran over by a car

thinking hell I haven’t been able to drive for the past 2 years 

and now I won’t even be able to fucking WALK.

I check the street I start crossing and somehow the spacetime continuum disconnects and nek minit I got a car on my ass.

And this is not the first time it happens. Sure I had headphones on but it happened again later this week and without headphones. 

Fuck how am I gonna survive Montreal where cars come from a different direction?

It took me over two years here to kind of get used to the opposite driving side.

And same yesterday at chess where my mind went totally numb and useless.

Sue had to remind me that I AM DIABETIC but still.
It’s like I know I can play a good game some times
but at others I am just living in a FOG.

Same with everything else these days.

I was thinking how hard it is to get Ritalin here in this country but in my case it might just be a Life Saver as important and necessary as insulin.

Anyway as always I am writing all this shit to myself again

You live alone You die alone.

But it’s supposed to be good fer ya they say.

For some odd strange reason even though everything is moot and pointless

 and nothing really matters anymore

it seems to be that my time blogging 

is more ‘productive’ than my time gaming

which is a question I won’t even ask comes June 2nd,

Pavlov Dog at your service here Blizzard!

Thanks for all the years of perfect dissociation.

Add a little music to that and Farrokh Bulsara was right again:

Nothing really matters

Nothing really matters, Anyone can see,

Nothing really matters,

Nothing really matters to me

Any way the wind blows... ♫♪♫

We are all prisoners here of our own device.