UNCERTAINTY

 UNCERTAINTY aka BAD RNG; REALLY BAD RNG

and then again one has to define bad and really again semantics are so complicated once you start mixing them with PERSPECTIVE.

short of a Thesaurus here I feel destroyed, broken, dead inside, distraught, sobbing uncontrollably, was sobbing so bad earlier I could hardly breathe.

I am not sure where the loss of a pet fits on the trauma scale but in my case it is usually pretty high.

Hopelessness, despair, emptiness don't even know what I want to do with myself to numb the atrocious pain

I got enough pills and booze here to kill a whale or two but strangely enough I have been using them very sparingly when it gets too much. 

Still shaking my head though at my bad luck and at the timing of it all, 

as if there was ever a good timing for bad luck or bad RNG as I call it 

Life like a video game is nothing but RNG from conception to death;

 
RANDOM NUMBER GENERATION

Uncertainty is the case for any single life form really from the smallest to the biggest

MANY MANY have had MUCH MUCH WORSE THAN ME but it just seems irrelevant at the moment it doesn't assuage my pain one single bit. I don't feel their pain and they don't feel mine.

King James Bible Proverbs 14;10 old wisdom

The heart knoweth his own bitterness; 

and a stranger doth not intermeddle with his joy.

living one second at a time here breath by breath waiting for this pain to recede a little :
this utter sadness

I feel alone and selfish and the weather is not helping keeping me pretty well locked inside and the weekend is not helping either. Yesterday I was gonna go seek some desperate help at the local Adult Mental Health services (even though I can't think of what they could do) but I was rained out.

I had a short encounter with a caring soul but I feel like I am just awful company at the moment with my sad story and the constant lump in my throat  ready to explode in ugly blubbering at any moment.

I can't even go out and ask the neighbours if they have seen anything without breaking down

BROKEN is a word that comes to mind often lately; I AM BROKEN! 

Anyway I wasn't gonna leave my blog , my legacy with a photo of Woody Allen so I thought I would add this at least pour my heart on a cold screen 

Short Musings

Time and dates seems to be a recurring subject here

Not sure if it is part of the autistic spectrum

but a score (20) years ago they gave me 6 months to live!

(Bypass 14-02-2005)

and on the 10th of March it's gonna be 11 years that we moved here (government housing)

and a million other things happen

but like Leonard Cohen says

I can't keep track of every fallen robin

Blog is dying

days are passing

... and then one day they will stop to pass

I often have a stream of consciousness looking at my hands. looking at my reflection in the mirror,

looking, hearing, seeing, smelling, tasting

and then THINKING soon enough ALL THIS WILL BE GONE

Boris: Nothingness... non-existence... black emptiness...

Sonja: What did you say? Boris: Oh, I was just planning my future.

CHEERS!

When the Great Equaliser finally comes all the senses will be gone and all the thinking as well. All the joys and ALSO all the pain ... like tears in rain  

Eat and Drink and be Merry for tomorrow ye shall die :)

 

AFAIAC Activism is a mental illness and Activists have major issues,
some sort of denial and projection and all sorts of twisted ways to deal with problems that are deep within themselves:
a repressed anger aimed outward instead of inward

they are like the modern Don Quixotes fighting hot air in battle they cannot win
( despite sometimes short victories that will be overrun soon enough) 

The good old "Fix your own house / Clean your Own Room

before you go and fix the world or what YOU THINK is wrong with it

Every time I see one I am always reminded of the words of Ani DiFranco an ageing activist herself 

Your Next Bold Move

Song by

Ani DiFranco

coming of age during the plague

of reagan and bush

watching capitalism gun down democracy

it had this funny effect on me

I guess

I am cancer

I am HIV

and I am down at the blue jesus

blue cross hospital

just lookin' up from my pillow

feeling blessed

and the mighty multinationals

have monopolized the oxygen

so it's as easy as breathing

for us all to participate

yes they're buying and selling

off shares of air

and you know it's all around you

but it's hard to point and say "there"

so you just sit on your hands

and quietly contemplate

your next bold move

the next thing you're gonna have to prove

to yourself

what a waste of thumbs that are opposable

to make machines that are disposable

and sell them to seagulls flying in circles

around one big right wing

yes, the left wing was broken long ago

by the slingshot of cointelpro

and now it's so hard to have faith in

anything

especially your next bold move

or the next thing you're gonna need to prove

to yourself

you want to track each trickle

back to its source

and then scream up the faucet

'til your face is hoarse

cuz you're surrounded by a world's worth

of things you just can't excuse

but you've got the hard cough of a chain smoker

and you're at the arctic circle playing strip poker

and it's getting colder and colder

everytime you lose

so go ahead

make your next bold move

tell us

what's the next thing you're gonna have to prove

to yourself

THE OLDER I GET NOW,
THE LESS I HAVE TO PROVE TO MYSELF
OR TO ANYONE ELSE.

I mean I just saw a 7 year old called a conservationist activist.

A bit like that Greta girl.

Talk about devious malevolent parenting now

The world praises this 

and I call it Child Abuse 

There is absolutely no way ever
that that left wing will ever be fixed or healed>

It is FUBAR now and forever 

and the powers that be will ensure it remains so no matter how much mouthing off one does

plus the powers that be are mostly invisible to all these Don Quixotes on their high horses

So enjoy your life eat and drink and be merry for tomorrow ye shall die just like the rest of us: billions and billions 

And stop playing strip poker on the Artic Circle now :|