UNCERTAINTY aka BAD RNG; REALLY BAD RNG
and then again one has to define bad and really again semantics are so complicated once you start mixing them with PERSPECTIVE.
short of a Thesaurus here I feel destroyed, broken, dead inside, distraught, sobbing uncontrollably, was sobbing so bad earlier I could hardly breathe.
I am not sure where the loss of a pet fits on the trauma scale but in my case it is usually pretty high.
Hopelessness, despair, emptiness don't even know what I want to do with myself to numb the atrocious pain
I got enough pills and booze here to kill a whale or two but strangely enough I have been using them very sparingly when it gets too much.
Still shaking my head though at my bad luck and at the timing of it all,
as if there was ever a good timing for bad luck or bad RNG as I call it
Life like a video game is nothing but RNG from conception to death;
RANDOM NUMBER GENERATION
Uncertainty is the case for any single life form really from the smallest to the biggest
MANY MANY have had MUCH MUCH WORSE THAN ME but it just seems irrelevant at the moment it doesn't assuage my pain one single bit. I don't feel their pain and they don't feel mine.
King James Bible Proverbs 14;10 old wisdom
The heart knoweth his own bitterness;
and a stranger doth not intermeddle with his joy.
living one second at a time here breath by breath waiting for this pain to recede a little :
this utter sadness
I feel alone and selfish and the weather is not helping keeping me pretty well locked inside and the weekend is not helping either. Yesterday I was gonna go seek some desperate help at the local Adult Mental Health services (even though I can't think of what they could do) but I was rained out.
I had a short encounter with a caring soul but I feel like I am just awful company at the moment with my sad story and the constant lump in my throat ready to explode in ugly blubbering at any moment.
I can't even go out and ask the neighbours if they have seen anything without breaking down
BROKEN is a word that comes to mind often lately; I AM BROKEN!
Anyway I wasn't gonna leave my blog , my legacy with a photo of Woody Allen so I thought I would add this at least pour my heart on a cold screen