straight rambling

Well err you know what I mean. This blog is unusually written straight on the blog site instead of a Word doc as I usually do.

Continuing my Science of Stupid blog, 18 days of pain so far, I decided to try quitting all painkillers 2 days ago for reasons...

I had some bad stories with oxycodone
and my love/hate relationship with it some years ago,
2010 to be more accurate and
do not want a repeat of it at this stage.

This morning after 2 days of abstinence and an awful lot of pain,
as in writhing and crying pain,
I was very much  tempted to give in "just for this time" hahaha

My moderate dose would have been something like:
2 panadeine forte
(500 mg paracetamol and 30 mg codeine each)
2 extra 30 mg codeine for extra punch
and 2 x 5 mg oxycodone which to me is a baby's dose for a 200 pounder.

I often say the only reason I am not dead so far is BECAUSE I am a 200 pounder and have been since I was 14,
The shit I have taken in my life would have killed many skinny punks.

My argument at the hospital was
(where they give me one an hour while I was there)
that if you give a 5 mg to a 90 pounds wet old lady 

NATURALLY the ABSOLUTE LAWS of CHEMISTRY

say that I should get at least 10 mg considering
there was a time I was taking 20.

But the laws of Chemistry in a hospital are trumped by the laws of Politics 
and as a  Belgian nurse once told me in 2005, 
while I was in for heart surgery, 
the no 1 priority of the staff is not the welfare of the patient, the number 1 priority of the staff is not to think 
but to cover their own asses.  
And with all the stupid suing going on 
hurting us all it is understandable.

Now I hear some people say why not go in the middle and take 2 PANADOL instead?
Well hahaha o ye of little knowledge.. it is nearly impossible I would say inconceivable for me to think this way.

You see us, mental people, suffer usually from more than one thing and everything is intermingled when you got depression / bipolar / borderline / anxiety and/or PTSD disorder and you rarely have one thing alone.

One thing we do have or share though is Denial, Projection and a good dose of SPLITTING.

also called black-and-white thinking or all-or-nothing thinking)

About people and about things.

Anyway to make a a long story short, and as always too late for that, today was a good day.

Sue convinced me in a moment of weakness lol to get out of the house.

One of my other thing is also what I like to call agoraphobia which is not as much  a fear of open spaces as a fear of new uncontrollable environment and it takes a crane to get my fat ass off this chair usually, that or a doctor's appointment which I have plenty.

So after an hour on walking on the beach I feel a little better and my arm to thank me got all itchy as if it needed the circulation to heal.

Not sure exactly where this abstinence will lead but I will take it one day (one hour, one minute) at a time for now.

Last thing I need is another addiction and that at 14,000 kms from home (8700 miles)

Pain is relative and no one can feel another's physical pain and the pains of the past are nothing compared to the pain of the present.  What really takes its toll though is the chronic aspect of it and the duration in days. 

I often compare it to the good old "Chinese" Torture so-called torture of one drop of water on your forehead with no escape in site.

I mean I have had pains of all sort:

heart surgery, gall bladder attack and removal, countless surgeries, hernia, lapband, multiple jaw cysts, not forgetting the numerous bcc extractions. 
- still hurting from the last one

but it just takes its toll on a long run

I wish I was in hospital on a drip at times but then again hospital time with or without drip is no fun time and far from home. 

It should be over soon and I should be all good and ready to be the porter in August.  I need my 2 arms for that and good legs too. :P

In the meanwhile I can try to escape in sleep once in a while when the pain lets me,

That's it for now for an ad-lib rambling

Ciao for now folks

New Wine into Old Wineskins

I should really get into the old. 

The new is totally unsatisfying. 

I mean of all the beautiful things that have been written I would be better off really rereading  Flowers forAlgernon for the 10^th time.

or reading Shakespeare and Dickens and Balzac and Zola
and all the old Greek and Latin masters.

All the blogs and magazines filling today are so highly influenced by Americans and their L.A. abominable phoney lifestyle, the ideas wars, the flaming, the twitting 

(the er is just there to make you forget that you are a TWIT), 

the utter shallowness of it all, 

the sickening madness of politics and religions and even sports bringing nothing into this world, 

it gets to be a little too much

- (the racism and feminism and political and religious wars and all those senseless tumbler/reddit SJWs,)

-the seven billion and climbing little arrogant gods and napoleons never wrong and always right

- The angry proselytising activists with chips on their shoulders the size of Everest

- The pretending and the false apologies

- This complete Orwellian PC madness

- The utterly misplaced censorship where nipples are more offensive than blood. And words offend more than a 1000 horrible deaths as I keep quoting often

Kurtz: We train young men to drop fire on people, but their commanders won't allow them to write "fuck" on their airplanes because it's obscene!

- Words and words and words and war on words

I was browsing 9GAG as I am known to do and one of the memes was about mansplaining which obviously led me to Googling some more.

And I found out it was coined by Rebecca Solnit who while at a rich party for rich people in Aspen she met a bore.
Oh Quelle Surprise.
The bores in questions are everywhere and from every sex but it made for a nice article which after all is what one has to sell when one lives off writing. In L.A. Times too another
Quelle Surprise.L.A. Times BTW by nature has to be the shallowest paper on the planet.

So the word was ridden wild for 20 years from everyone with an agenda and has been milked to death obviously and raped and deconstructed to unrecognisable.

Now someone is sad that Darwinian natural selection is taking over and the portmanteau will die of its natural death, when it should have been stillborn actually.

I mean this Utopian Agora of the internet 

which was supposed to be a FREE world of exchange 

of ideas and music and books and arts 

has become a dystopian jungle 

of the lowest common denominator, 

the weakest link in the chain.

Someone is trying hard to sell you some tripe and some are trying to block it and some are trying to block the blockers.

It always amuses me when Forbes of all people won’t show me an article because I have an ad blocker, Boo hoo hoo. Money can’t buy everything apparently.

Facebook will reveal in the near future
to be one of the worst idea of history
and will become what 

Charlie Brooker The Divine 

has prophesied 

in the Black Mirror’s Nosedive.  

That episode was excruciating to watch BTW. 

It is already like this in our choice of an app or a vacation place based on reviews,
reviews often bought and corrupted BTW
a bit like IMDB and our political system.

L.A. is pretty well already a nosedive town if you don’t belong in their selective club of beautiful young rich vegan yoga practicing PETA member fence walkers 

where what you wear DEFINES you FFS. 

Wishy washy pleasers with a banana for a backbone.  

Fake and phoney and quickly forgotten until the day they die that is.

Oops let us remember so and so that we hadn’t mentioned in 20 years and laughed at for being such a has-been.

Again I could be totally full of shit and this is only my feelings about my everyday life trying to find some worthwhile occupation on this wonderful world of free SOMA with unlimited PETAbytes we call the Internet.

Getting to be an old curmudgeon torn between my 3 ME’s.

1.       The ME I think I am.

2.      The ME I would love to be. And

3.      The ME I really am.

The ME I would love to be is a bookworm constantly filling my mind with stuff, preferably old and proved and classic.

The real ME however lacks of stamina and forgets as soon as he learns.

And then there is also the ME YOU think I am.

There is no real me really except for one split second and then it’s another me.

One cannot cross the same river twice.

I did not have any choice in this at all and there would be no point to rejoice about it but I think deep inside (err maybe no now thinking further) I was going to say I think deep inside we are all happy with the sex and colour and race we are given but nah many are not.

I am somewhat pleased that 

in this only ride in consciousness, 

[one time only],
I was born a white male in a Medicare Western World. (Canada, Australia etc) as opposed to a May Fly let's say.

I am also happy that my mother tongue was French since it allows me to read wonderful works in their original tongue. 
Everyone knows how much is lost in translation.

I could have been born a little richer and in a more solid family environment but eh we can’t have it all. 

One thing I will tell you is I am also happy I wasn’t born an American and haven’t become one, even though there was one or two occasions I might have.  I would be long dead to begin with and not here to tell you this story.

I can’t think of too many places either where I would have liked to be born.

I can think of plenty mind you of where I would NOT have liked to be born.

Highly religious countries for one and family honour countries for another and countries filled with control and ignorance.

A few countries of the EU might have been acceptable but I haven’t given it much thought since it is all in the realm of speculations that never happened and never will.

To have been exposed to the humongous literary culture of the German Russians or Spanish would have been nice, even to the Chinese culture maybe, but again one has to be very limited in this world.

Again I fear rereading myself to see if I make any sense at all and if I am remotely coherent but the thoughts were there and I felt like sharing LOL also called mania in some circles. 

So here it goes.

FREAKS "Я" US

Just another head shaking page that’s all.

‘Murican for sure and just another shallow bimbo cow with a fake title preaching her hateful form of so-called American Foaming at the Mouth Self Righteous Bullshit Christianity. 

Ugly Ugly People.

Funny part is I would not know her from a bar of soap if I probably changed my settings on Facebook.  

Now it seems every time a friend comments on something I am made aware of another abomination in a chain reaction from hell.

I mean I KNOW these weirdos are out there, 

they are everywhere and
America itself is utterly filled with creeps and weirdos 

but they don’t need a voice or a bait click or my attention or knowledge whatsoever,
they don’t have room in my consciousness,
I don’t want them,
i don’t need ‘em; 

life is way too fucking short to fret at freaks.

There is absolutely no point at all in any form of communication with such entities. 

Compartmentalised brains with a one way track who hear nothing at all 

and revel in the support of sycophants. 

Thing is anyone at all can find a few thousands sycophants in any field whatsoever, 

it doesn’t make them right.

This one in particular started on the wrong foot again right with the first word:

Activist.

Activism should certainly be in the DSM of the future right next to religion.

And then she calls herself a mommy 

as if this was a profession, a talent, a qualification.

Mommy or Daddy only mean one thing,
and one thing only:

You fucked or have been fucked.
(not even required in fact in some cases)

Period end of the story. 

Any animal can do it no talent required.

The title alone certainly does not mean
that you are any good at it. 

Fucking or "mommying" that is.

And that is just one of so many.

Freaks are abundant on the internet,

I, being one of them, I should fucking know.

Now should I change my settings 

or keep shaking my head in disbelief?

Good Question LOL

Some Freaks are amusing
I mean this is how P.T. Barnum made a living no?

Most are just tiresome though 

but sometimes you gotta dig thru the crap to find the priceless pearl of all freaks,

To be continued…

Freud strikes again

There is this old story I heard a long time ago that speaks for itself a lot.

Back in the good old days when town had gates and elders received strangers

A man entered a village and went to the gate on the edge of town, where he was welcomed by the wise man of the village.

The visitor said, 

“I am deciding whether I should move here or not.
I’m wondering what kind of neighbourhood this is. 

Can you tell me about the people here?”

The old wise man said,

“Tell me what kind of people lived where you came from.” 

The visitor said, 

"Oh, they were highway robbers, cheats and liars.” 

The wise man said, 

“You know, those are exactly the same kinds of people who live here.” The visitor left the village and never came back.

Half an hour later, another man entered the village.
He sought out the wise old man and said,
“I’m thinking of moving here.
Can you tell me what kind of people live here?” 

Again the old man said, “

Tell me what kind of people lived where you came from.” 

The visitor said, 

“Oh, they were the kindest, gentlest, most compassionate, most loving people. I shall miss them terribly.

The old man answered, “

Those are exactly the kinds of people who live here, too.”

other versions:

In the town I am from, everyone is very critical of one another. The neighbourhood is rife with gossip. It's a really negative place to live and I'm glad to be leaving it. It's not a very nice place to live at all."

 "I'm from a lovely town. Everyone there is really close and always willing to help their neighbours out with whatever needs doing. There's always a cheery hello and thank-you everywhere you go.

it seems that in all version the negative man comes first

and one can add all epithets of one's choice.

This story pretty well says what Jon Kabat-Zinn 

states in other words:

WHEREVER YOU GO, THERE YOU ARE.

This story also says 

that if I am surrounded by ignorant assholes,

CHANCES ARE:

that I am an ignorant asshole myself as well

and the only reason I don't see that 

is the same reason millions of other 

ignorant assholes don't see it either:

The good old Freudian defence mechanism:

Particularly PROJECTION a big favourite one

and DENIAL the river of many.

Fig tree

Miscellaneous thoughts:

The thing is, as I know myself,  if I wait too long and think and edit too much this will never see "the AIR" so here it goes as Vonnegut says it's now or never 

#Reprehensible:

deserving of reproof, rebuke, or censure; blameworthy.

[rep-ri-hen-suh-buh l]

[rep-ri-hen-suh-BULL]

the new #Inconceivable well for this week anyway

this too shall pass

One thing the internet/social media is very good at is certainly to 

REPREHENSE! Go Ahead World “Reprehense” Away!

Our computer desk chair has now become a THRONE!

Now now now if I could get out of this game myself it would be good.

I judge and blame and condemn like if there was no tomorrow.

Live every day as if it was my last day?

Would I be so busy blaming?

“Il n'y a pas de coupables, pas de honte” ~  Andre Fortin

Bing: There are no culprits, no shame

Google: There are no guilty, no shame

As Homo sapiens, no matter what our level of intelligence is, we seem to be good at playing the moralistic judges. 

Morality being entirely man made this game has as many rules as there are people.

What is the wise solution and the wise approach? Or at least the less stressful one.

Given that once we are dead and buried, once our sacred consciousness is gone, there ARE no Guilt and no Shame no Honour or Dishonour, no Good or Bad, no moral or immoral.

Distancing oneself without falling into a superiority complex might be errrr complex.

I don’t like the zen new age Buddhist approach that says everyone is struggling and fighting their own fight.  Some people really seem to enjoy utter stupid evil for the sake of utter stupid evil.  No need of a “purge” to see that some people do not have a golden rule compass or a negative golden rule compass they simply do not give a fuck they live the law of the jungle at its fullest.

One of the biggest problem I think is our bigger and bigger exposure to more stupidity.  Like Will Smith said, when I was 14 I said a lot of stupid things but they were not all recorded for eternity for the world to see.

Small town with its ostracising rules and its kangaroo courts becomes complicated.

I don’t think the human psyche is meant or build for this maximum exposure.

We are by nature apes with a Dunbar number of 150. 

So when we are exposed to 1000 social media friends plus billions of facts and people we would have no clue of a couple of centuries ago well we create celebrity magazines instead of mythological gods and their tall stories.

Obviously social media SHAPE our thinking and definitely NOT for the best.

Hermit Isolation on top of a mountain here seems more and more attractive but I wonder how the Wi-Fi reception would be up there now? :P

Some people are depressed by the fake happy lives people seem to live, the lies on Facebook and slanted views of one’s life. 

(Happy people have no history) 

I myself get more depressed by the utter amount of total stupidity out there.

Most comments are mind-blowing: the ignorance the abrasive ignorance the arrogance the self-righteousness all amount to this meme where many want to leave this planet fast. 


Well at 61, I can only rejoice that my wish will be granted faster than for younger others.

In all wisdom I should welcome I hope the great nothingness, le néant, like I welcome a good night of sleep (preferably without nightmares and a few sweet dreams would not be spat on)

I wasn’t worried before 1955 I shouldn’t be worried about the years after the dash.

The dash that we call consciousness is thank fuck very temporary, this too shall pass.

1955 - 20??

But while I am in this dash I can’t help but observe and think, after all that’s all consciousness is all about innit?

The dash so many poets talked about.

Quick joke from dash to windshield now:

What is the last thing that went through the fly’s head as it hit the windshield at 100 miles and hour?

Its ass! :P

So back to my muttons (wilful French error)

how does one live his dash nowadays? 

How does one remain calm and normal in a fear instilling greedy and ignorant world?

The fear instilling and the greed are very closely related don’t be fooled.

Fear Sells and We are ALL Buying.

Most of the fear instilling also is greatly based on lies and the opposite of Alethia

Alethia meaning without concealment or truth to some.

Concealment galore has always been our story in fact people who reveal concealment are considered traitors and hung and quartered for treason.  Treason to what? Certainly not to the truth.

News are brain washing TV is brain washing and Social Media are brain washing so how does one keep his brain “dirty” these days? 

Unmitigated and unadulterated and unaltered? 

Impossible one might say since our brain is shaped and formed and deformed and reformed from day one.  

Filled with genetic and geographical data and school data and yottabytes of information more or less correct.  

Politics and religion after all are all feed some would call them POISONS.

Meditating under a fig tree for 3 billion cycles will not help.

There is a little bit of “truth” in every religion.
There are bound to. 
You need some truth to sell a lie.

And I do like some age-old principles like the Sermon on the Mount (let not your left hand know what your right hand is doing) and the idea of the 3 buddhist poisons
but most of the problem is that those who sell you this idea just want to replace the poisons by their own poisons.

I am not keen on imposed sobriety or imposed celibacy for example and on control and power by another failed human being who is only too keen on power and control and only has the power and control that you give him.  And sleep deprivation now is just not right and too often a mean of control as well, as is food deprivation too.

In the context of Good Knowledge now 

The only sciences worth studying to me would be pure sciences, things PROVABLE over and over. Too many things called science today are no science at all and leave one with way too much speculation and extrapolations worth of a science FICTION book.

So maybe one day it will be edited in a more coherent jam 

but not today

what do we say to death?  

NOT TODAY.

MY UTOPIA Symphonie Inachevée

I do although sense a lot of bitterness towards society in general. 

From a young age and more and more as I grow older and become a bigger curmudgeon minute by minute.  

The best possible world is a fucking lousy possible world
when one stops to think about it for a moment.

What I do hope though to come out of this one day before I kick the bucket is to come up with 

MY Theory of Everything.

My ultimate soliloquy

My monology,

my kenophonia that won’t be empty this time

My sophiophony

My phoniosophy.

To be 

but for a moment 

and what the fuck to do with it

And More importantly it seems

What the fuck NOT to do with it.

My utopia perfectly formed and shaped as the ultimate habitable planet.

THE Kepler of  all Keplers

The REAL Brave New World.

As I said we will never ever achieve it

but for fuck sake wouldn’t it be nice to at least know what it would look and be like?

Maybe not even writing it, just reading it would be nice.

Got a feeling again that all this idealism (a long-lived perfectly lovable default of mine) that romanticism is again utterly useless but some have had many fascinating attempts at imagining it.

Reading it would be like falling in love head over feet and in danger of being part of a cult again.

One thing I can tell you for sure though 

There won't be any Facebook in my Utopia.

Trying not to ruin this blog and to keep it a coherent narrative (not one of my strong point) 

but the old images of telepathic benevolent aliens with huge heads come to mind here LOL

Knowledge is complicated.

Science is corrupt.

So maybe it does come down to a

EAT and DRINK and be MERRY

for tomorrow ye shall die

...to be continued

ROLL OVER SISYPHUS!

“On arecent meditation retreat, I felt myself drawn to reflect on the stone andSisyphus’s relationship to it.”

Oh Fuck Have Mercy!

I do realise I am the same, we are all the same

but FFS

or as Vicky Pollard would put it

yeah but, no but, yeah but…

I fell on a thought of mineeeeeeeee

and like a rambling drunk

I worshipped it

and realised the shit that was coming

out of my ass and

out of my mouth, and

out of my head

was fucking gold

as I was contemplating this amazing wonder

that my belly button is.

I felt myself drawnnnnnnn ...

hopefully into quarters by four strong horses.

Feeling oneself is also called masturbation BTW.

The shit people say. And I know I said it already I am people too.

Wow! 

Quelle révélation.

It is mind-blowingly amazing the total waste of space and energy

us apes can be really.

The numberless babble, the empty words, the speculations, and 

conspirations and mindless drifting our brains go through.

Utter complete waste of ones and zeros 

a bit like I am doing now going on about it.

But even though there were Amazonian forests wasted in endless 

dribbles ever since Gutenberg’s invention, it now seems with so 

much space on the internet, so many blogs and vlogs, so many 

different channels on cable and what not, 

so much money has to be spent 

on creating utter expensive bullshit 

like craft shows and cooking shows 

and lame attempts at pseudo-science.

Oh well I hope I never ever feel “drawn to reflect” again to spare 

me the ire of Holden Caulfield on my utter phoniness.

End of rant

like sports commentator filling the air time with hot air