straight rambling

Well err you know what I mean. This blog is unusually written straight on the blog site instead of a Word doc as I usually do.

Continuing my Science of Stupid blog, 18 days of pain so far, I decided to try quitting all painkillers 2 days ago for reasons...

I had some bad stories with oxycodone
and my love/hate relationship with it some years ago,
2010 to be more accurate and
do not want a repeat of it at this stage.

This morning after 2 days of abstinence and an awful lot of pain,
as in writhing and crying pain,
I was very much  tempted to give in "just for this time" hahaha

My moderate dose would have been something like:
2 panadeine forte
(500 mg paracetamol and 30 mg codeine each)
2 extra 30 mg codeine for extra punch
and 2 x 5 mg oxycodone which to me is a baby's dose for a 200 pounder.

I often say the only reason I am not dead so far is BECAUSE I am a 200 pounder and have been since I was 14,
The shit I have taken in my life would have killed many skinny punks.

My argument at the hospital was
(where they give me one an hour while I was there)
that if you give a 5 mg to a 90 pounds wet old lady 

NATURALLY the ABSOLUTE LAWS of CHEMISTRY

say that I should get at least 10 mg considering
there was a time I was taking 20.

But the laws of Chemistry in a hospital are trumped by the laws of Politics 
and as a  Belgian nurse once told me in 2005, 
while I was in for heart surgery, 
the no 1 priority of the staff is not the welfare of the patient, the number 1 priority of the staff is not to think 
but to cover their own asses.  
And with all the stupid suing going on 
hurting us all it is understandable.

Now I hear some people say why not go in the middle and take 2 PANADOL instead?
Well hahaha o ye of little knowledge.. it is nearly impossible I would say inconceivable for me to think this way.

You see us, mental people, suffer usually from more than one thing and everything is intermingled when you got depression / bipolar / borderline / anxiety and/or PTSD disorder and you rarely have one thing alone.

One thing we do have or share though is Denial, Projection and a good dose of SPLITTING.

also called black-and-white thinking or all-or-nothing thinking)

About people and about things.

Anyway to make a a long story short, and as always too late for that, today was a good day.

Sue convinced me in a moment of weakness lol to get out of the house.

One of my other thing is also what I like to call agoraphobia which is not as much  a fear of open spaces as a fear of new uncontrollable environment and it takes a crane to get my fat ass off this chair usually, that or a doctor's appointment which I have plenty.

So after an hour on walking on the beach I feel a little better and my arm to thank me got all itchy as if it needed the circulation to heal.

Not sure exactly where this abstinence will lead but I will take it one day (one hour, one minute) at a time for now.

Last thing I need is another addiction and that at 14,000 kms from home (8700 miles)

Pain is relative and no one can feel another's physical pain and the pains of the past are nothing compared to the pain of the present.  What really takes its toll though is the chronic aspect of it and the duration in days. 

I often compare it to the good old "Chinese" Torture so-called torture of one drop of water on your forehead with no escape in site.

I mean I have had pains of all sort:

heart surgery, gall bladder attack and removal, countless surgeries, hernia, lapband, multiple jaw cysts, not forgetting the numerous bcc extractions. 
- still hurting from the last one

but it just takes its toll on a long run

I wish I was in hospital on a drip at times but then again hospital time with or without drip is no fun time and far from home. 

It should be over soon and I should be all good and ready to be the porter in August.  I need my 2 arms for that and good legs too. :P

In the meanwhile I can try to escape in sleep once in a while when the pain lets me,

That's it for now for an ad-lib rambling

Ciao for now folks