What do you do with a suicidal bipolar on Easter Sunday?

Here is what I think I NEED TO SURVIVE, I call it my happy pack

The recipe is very close to

Oxycodone 20 mg (That alone in fact might do it)

Add a bit of codeine 40-80 mg

And some valium for a different kick 5-10 mg.

And I am not imagining this and I am not even sure I am addicted to Oxycodone even though I was given up to 100 mg a day at the hospital for nine days and prescribed more at my discharge.

I just discovered months ago in March 2009 even before any usage that oxycodone did to my head what tons of Prozac and Edronax and everything else they tried could not do for years.

But here we have rules now, big rules, and big books on, not how to treat a patient and relieve his unbearable pain, but on how to cover your own ass and protect yourself first. We are very far from the days of Hippocrates we have moved on to the days of Hypocrites.

I need this to survive please help me doctor it’s a matter of life or death I swear to you and suddenly the doctor turns into a scared shitless Pontius Pilates afraid of the political repercussions and washes his hand and say I am innocent of this man’s blood. In other words:

Crucify the MotherFucker! What do I care?

It has been done in the states with success but every country has its own rules and some are more cowards than others The first thing you hear and see is fear in their eyes and an absolute freak out about their own situation, no care whatsoever for yours. If I was do so something stupid and hold a gun to my head in the doctor’s office and tell him it’s oxycodone or death don’t you understand they would say go ahead pull the trigger. Headspace is a very abstract and ethereal thing but nobody really scares all I know is I am in hell and I can’t help it and it is going to last what will seem like an eternity but does anyone care? Nope!

Unfortunately because of my major disability and I tell you it IS a major disability if you study it for a few minutes, Jack Kerouac, Andre “Dede” Fortin and hundreds or thousands more I cannot afford to go on the black market to get what I definitely NEED to survive this strange unexplainable bipolar wave, I just find myself sick of life with no will to live, afraid to die and hurt the one I LOVE even if I am unbearable these days so there is no actual light at the end of my tunnel. Maybe starting to drink earlier in a strange and paradoxical way will save my life. Chablis might be my temporary saviour since I lost sight of Jesus quite a few years ago.

I have this theory that us mutants/bipolars often lean on drugs or alcohol because the manic moments have given us too much light and information on the real horrors of this world all the blood and the lies and the bullshit and so much more that we can’t bear the sight of it a bit like God said to Moses no one can see my face and live so we have flown too high like Icarus and our wings are burning and we are crashing in the Aegean Sea.

So even though we live alone and die alone yes this is a cry for help but no supposed to be decent citizen will touch me with a ten foot pole.

Madness has its good moments but to translate the words of another bipolar who once met a wise homeless Life is short but once in a while it has long moments, very long. Joy goes fast and pain last forever and mental anguish is hell on earth.

CHAOS. MAYHEM, REBELLION, AND ANARCHY

Is all we need right now. STOP! STOP! THINK FOR YOURSELF FOR CHRIST”S SAKE. I have been thinking of two of my favourite songs lately that never had enough impact but are so TRUE: School from Supertramp and a Brick in the Wall by Pink Floyd.

We are bricks in the wall, innocent sheep led to the Slaughterhouse, Elois fed to the Morlocks and we all walk in with joy and enthusiasm how sick and sad is that?

This system is killing us by the thousands and all we find to say is Thank you. Sick and poor brainwashed people we are. I say question EVERYTHING and stand firm for your belief. FUCK them old bullies and dictators who are used to intimidation and having their own ways. What is right is right and that is the end of it, whatever your system has thought you by removing your guts, your brains, your balls, and your backbone. What is right is right and what is wrong is wrong no matter who does it: Americans, Russians, Chinese, Koreans, French, English, Christians, Muslims, and Buddhists it doesn’t matter at all. If a gulag or a concentration camp is wrong THEREFORE Guantanamo Bay is wrong too or that other camp in Iraq where an uneducated woman took all the blame for orders that were coming from above. The US hands are all covered with blood just the same.

This blood is thicker than water story is nothing but absolute pride and sin. If my own son is guilty of sin and pride and crime he is guilty of sin and pride and crime. Sin is sin and crime is crime, no matter who commits it.

So yes question everything, demand explications and answers and don’t submit to what you don’t think is right and we may have a new beginning of a new generation even though I am afraid we’re too late and all people questioning the so called righteousness of their governments now are going to join a long list of martyrs under the created persona of Osama Ben Ladin or as Orwell would call him Goldstein. It is easy to eliminate the truth now by associating it with a created evil.

Like someone said already it is irrelevant whether Osama is captured or not as long as we keep his image alive. Nothing new under the sun and some things ever change.

P.S. If Osama is the culprit and most 9/11 culprits were from Saudi Arabia what the hell are we doing in Iraq and Afghan spending billions of dollars and wasting countless lives of usually poor people and family people?

And if so called freedom is so important why are we not in Rwanda, Zimbabwe or Sudan or just simply helping in New Orleans?

One and one answer only: American Intere$t meaning Money talks and bullshit walks baby.

WORDS! WORDS! WORDS!

Just discovered this strange old song that appealed to me with mixed feelings since I am not sure it meant in 1776 what some would like to make it mean today.

Artist: 1776 Album: Musical/Ost Title: Cool, Cool, Considerate Men

Dickinson:
Oh say do you see what I see?
Congress sitting here in sweet serenity
I could cheer; the reason's clear
For the first time in a year Adams isn't here
And look, the sun is in the sky
A breeze is blowing by, and there's not a single fly

I sing hosanna, hosanna
Hosanna, hosanna
And it's cool

Come ye cool cool conservative men
The likes of which may never be seen again
We have land, cash in hand
Self-command, future planned
Fortune flies, society survives
In neatly ordered lives with well-endowered wives

We sing hosanna, hosanna
To our breeding and our banner
We are cool

Come ye cool cool considerate set
We'll dance together to the same minuet
To the right, ever to the right
Never to the left, forever to the right
May our creed be never to exceed
Regulated speed, no matter what the need

We sing hosanna, hosanna
Enblazoned on our banner
Is keep cool

What we do we do rationally
We never ever go off half-cocked, not we
Why begin till we know that we can win
And if we cannot win why bother to begin?

Rutledge:
We say this game's not of our choosing
Why should we risk losing?

All:
We are cool

To the right, ever to the right
Never to the left, forever to the right
We have gold, a market that will hold
Tradition that is old, a reluctance to be bold.

Dickinson:
I sing hosanna, hosanna
In a sane and lucid manner
We are cool

All:
Come ye cool cool considerate men
The likes of which may never be seen again
With our land, cash in hand
Self-command, future planned
And we'll hold to our gold
Tradition that is old, reluctant to be bold.
We say this game's not of our choosing
Why should we risk losing?

We cool, cool, cool
Cool, cool, cool
Cool cool men.

CONSIDER<>

KATANOEO TO OBSERVE FULLY

http://lyrics.astraweb.com/display/180/1776..musical_ost..cool_cool_considerate_men.html

In fact I was l googling one of my favourite word CONSIDERATE. I was quite certain there was a verse somewhere that said Be Ye Considerate but I didn’t find the exact 3 words in that order even thoug it is certainly a Christian and virtuous principle.

The words I like less in this song were conservative and right and gold since they could seem to imply some sort of capitalism with all its greed and the dark deeds that usually accompany greed.

But back on a more positive note, CONSIDER is such a nice word... OBSERVE FULLY, PERCEIVE, BEHOLD AND DISCOVER: certainly the occidental concept of the oriental meditation.

A beautiful and enriching hobby if done right leading to more understanding, comprehension, love and wisdom one would hope.

Plus being considerate seems to be a totally lost principle and virtue completely erased from the Orwellian Newspeak Dictionary.

Be Ye Considerate?

Errrrr WHAT?

What did he say?

Sorry mate I have absolutely no idea of what he is talking about.

Maybe it is some old Neanderthal concept? Useless today especially on Wall Street or pretty well everywhere else.

BUT Yes we should certainly all take time to CONSIDER, OBSERVE FULLY. It should be taught by all parents and by all schools from the very first day. OBSERVE, THINK, ASK, QUESTION, SEE AND HEAR PROPERLY. See beyond the lies and the spin. UNDERSTAND that what they call Freedom is a thin veneer to cover a much bigger lie of greed and blood. Understand that democracy means nothing: the choice between 2 losers with pretty well the same agenda to be the puppet of the big money makers often psychopaths who really rule the world. Understand that one good president, one good ruler, one good pope or one good minister who wants to eradicate corruption will be promptly terminated with extreme prejudice. This is how the real world works. A lot of us just don’t seem to see the threads attached to the visible puppets though and foolishly believe that the puppets are the real thing.

Real Education instead of being prostituted to big money as well should teach us one and only one thing: to think for ourselves, by ourselves.

2Ti 2:7 Consider what I say; and the Lord give thee understanding in all things.

Heb 10:24 And let us consider one another to provoke unto love and to good works:

The Good Samaritan has now been handcuffed.

I couldn’t put a date on it I guess it’s been around for quite awhile in one form or another but there was a time where some men were real men and some were real caring vocationalists. And of course I use men in the general sense here as human kind for we all know that most of those heartfelt tender cares were given freely by women much more than men.

Not sure if it started with McDonald’s having too much money and good insurers or where the ultra professional ambulance chaser wave started but we all have paid a very heavy price now for a few greedy idiots. I mean there is justice and there is just plain idiocy, cold turkey brain greed and stupidity.

And the price we have paid is that the victim on Jericho road now is dying in the street because no Good Samaritan will ever touch him again. You can’t help your neighbours, everything has gone sky high because of the extra stupid suits and fines that had to be paid and everyone has his hands and his heart tied now in chains of red tape and insurance policies and ass covering book of instruction the size of a Britannica Encyclopaedia. You can’t even defend yourself from intrusion in your own house because this crazy world will let the intruder sue you and cream your ass.

So all we have left is a bunch of wusses and cowards and people with no hearts, no guts, and a banana for a back bone. No saints and no heroes left but just fear for your own poor ass getting caught in a cunning sling.

The first judge who started this curse on all of us should burn in the very deepest hell hung by the balls with no relief for eternity and all those ambulance chasers lawyers should be much close to him being forked in the ass every day just like they’ve done to us.

You know that there is absolutely nothing worse in this so called earthly justice than to establish a “PRECEDENT” so as soon as the first idiot gets millions for just actually being an idiot you just started an avalanche, a tsunami of gargantuesque proportions and there is no force on earth to stop it now short of a great great great depression so there is no much more money to be given to greedy bastards.

He was a dreamer, a thinker, a speculative philosopher... or, as his wife would have it, an idiot. -Douglas Adams

We live alone and we die alone but we are NOT alone, well on this planet anyway, not counting animals and insects and all living things.

As far as being alone in the universe I tend to believe we are and if we are not, any intelligent alien would know far better than getting anywhere close to us. He knows very well what we do to people we don’t know, understand and fear or people who just get in the way of our enterprises and expansion. I mean look what we did to the aboriginals, the natives, or all the colonies we have exploited and how we have treated their people. Avatar is not a new idea taken out of thin air it is human reality and it will remain human reality as long as there is one human left on earth.

http://www.worldometers.info/

Ponder on this page a couple of minutes , write the numbers you see when you start and check them again at the end, in that short moment hundreds were born and hundreds died and emotions of all sorts flew left and right by the billions like a massive tidal karmic kosmic wave, a tsunami of unfathomable proportions. Every second, like a big lung, like a big heart this planet goes through a billion sensations, one is elated, one is sobbing, one is eaten the other is enjoying his meal, millions of marriages and funerals and joys and sorrows nonstop: shallow experiences, deep epiphanies going up and down the Richter scale like an oscilloscope on crystal meth. Sartre said that Hell is other people but also Heaven can be other people it just depends where your eyes and hearts are pointing at the time, but there is both Utter Beauty and utter horrific Ugliness in this world happening every nanosecond. Which one outweighs which one is a matter of opinion.

Pro 10:12 Hatred stirreth up strifes: but love covereth all sins.

1Pe 4:8 And above all things have fervent charity among yourselves: for charity shall cover the multitude of sins.

And there sure is a MULTITUDE of SINS on this planet on any given day.

NUMBERS absolutely fascinate me. I have this crazy theory the the 6,666,666,666th soul born was the antichrist LOL but we’re gonna be SEVEN BILLIONS soon back in my school days we were barely 3

Long term plan

The 50’s had a good start with the beatnik movement

And the 60’s brought us a lot of hope with Peace and Love and the Hippie movement

The 70’s still were trying hard with songs and movies that meant something but then

The disco years came and brought us back to the Middle Ages and the 80’s were wasted

And the 90’s got very bad and worst with Michael Bolton’s karaoke style and it’s been the death of creativity ever since with every song and movie concerned about Mammon and money making and profit and not interested at all with something deep to say or new to bring to the world and now we are totally doomed with 9/11 with every new idea and revolutionary thinking being annulled and annihilated and sentenced to some rendition of Guantanamo Bay similes under the branding of terrorist. So in one or two words we are FUCKED! TRULY FUCKED!

Hello Hello is there anybody in there just nod if you can hear me....is there anyone at home?

That s ALL I wanna know for now, kind of very sadly I never have any comments on my blogs and it makes me wonder....AM I Alone in the World? Or maybe no one gives a fuck about the elucubrations of a mental fool so send all the comments you want positive or negative as I used to say Love me , Hate Me , just don't ignore me