Question Everything

ONE should question ONEself
if ONE wants to change the world
after reading ONE book!

ONE should question ONEself
when ONE wants to change the world
after reading ONE book.

I should know. 

I still have this book here ticked 7 times on the front page and 12 times in the middle (NT)

When I was a 40 years younger zealot, a fellow American wanted to give me a bottle of whisky for services rendered.

Delivery speed was very important in these days and I did this colleague of ours many favours.

Me being a zealot and not drinking at the time asked him for a nice KJV leather bound bible instead

which I still have to this day.

HELL many people go way off the track even after reading many many books.  Hitchens and Peterson come to mind here.

Same with videos these days. How many expert ignoranus do we have that just watch a couple of videos on YouTube?

I like the word IGNORANUS, meaning you know nothing AND you're an asshole. :P

Having been in a cult for more than 20 years kind of gives me an insight in the world around us really.

Especially in this day of fast spreading ignorance and conspiracy mushrooming.

Anyway better write this while I still can as I see my decline sliding down every day with no one to explain it to me.

Hell my geriatrician wanted to charge me to tell me one more time that she has no fucking idea of what is going on.

Short one for now over and out for the moment.

P.S. It is a SAD world though when now I have to question my own quotes on questioning

it's like every time I mention censorship now I have to take in account 

that SOME censorship is now necessary in this murderous, mindless, ignorant world.

I do realize that everything can be taken the WRONG way and even sensible Whitman quotes like "question everything"

have to be questioned these days baring in mind that this very saying is gonna used and misused by thousands of brainwashed, sectarian, cult like conspiracists now.

Long overdue

 

A blog long in brewing

Not sure if people realise as Sting says How Fragile we are 

But I wonder even more if they realise how LIMITED we are?

Your Truly included.

One of the things that seems to be such a LIMITING factor
it seems to me lately is simply
GEOGRAPHY.

I was listening to Jordan Petersen who thinks he is so smart and he certainly is (so was the Unabomber) and how he is trying to take the government down him being so conservative and so anti- Liberal and anti-Trudeau and I thought well of course you are you were born in Alberta FFS. Land of the nouveau riches and oil magnates. 

And he is trying to take the government down because his PERSONAL banking was delayed for a couple of days.
Boohoohoo. Poor baby.

So many people are like that though, going antivax because their vaccines hurt a little or had bad side effects brought along by their own NOCEBO having read too much wrong info on the subject and therefore EXPECTING these reactions. The mind is a funny thing I will find out soon myself as I am going for my booster in a week(3rd vaccine, first two were just fine)

Also the one who becomes a strong atheist for emotional reason like God did not let THEIR child live and doesn't approve or their homosexuality  or some other twist.

Same with vaccines and the pandemic so many getting pissed off because their little world is disturbed, not anymore disturbed than the million others who try to take things stoically.

All nouveau riches it is well know switch from the left to the right when they get into a bit of riches.

At first they were like let's have a good education for all and free healthcare and a promotion of the arts but then they go 

NOT WITH MY MONEY FFS.

Very few new wealthy people resist the temptation to become turncoat. 

Not only politics though but Geography will also SHAPE your religion and your language and we all know that different languages shape the mind differently.

So it gets me pondering at times on this so-called FREE WILL???

Are we really free? I have seen some very young kids who were not free at all and will never be, just being born at the wrong place at the wrong time in highly disfavourable socio-economic conditions.

Just for myself as an example I will never be free of the deep scarring my mother has done to me never ever and I wonder sometimes how I set myself free from the bondage of religion I was under for so many years in different forms?

The language itself being French or English or other is utterly filled with religious mythological expression like this was hell or naming a missile Hellfire or Brahmos in India.

Plus the million nuances of the engrained fairy tales we have been told as true and again your personal fairy tale is somehow very very geographical and for some odd strange reason YOURS is ALWAYS the  Right one. Quelle Fucking Surprise! 

I wish I could study this Dunbar number some more but we ARE as a species EXTREMELY PAROCHIAL PROVINCIAL ...

TRIBAL here is that other word I keep forgetting.

We looked at some tribes as primitive but we ALL ARE that primitive tribe very very limited in this very very  limited brain of ours.  Brain again that we think so much smarter than we really are. Here is that Dunning-Krueger again.

The poor people trying to scrape a living all over the world are not free or as Solomon Burke said

One of us is chained, None of us are free.

Read History, Read Zola's Germinal and ask yourself what choice did they have? None whatsoever.

Nothing new under the sun I pretty well said all that just a couple or years ago.

The pandemic has just highlighted how limited we really are.

So here we are like any other words you can also disregard mine as Paul Simon once said :P

All lies and jest

Still, a man hears what he wants to hear

And disregards the rest

Back in the days when you could STILL say a man and mean MANKIND :P 

Long epilogue

 

We all see our lives as stories, it seems to me, and I am convinced that psychologists and sociologists and historians and so on would find it useful to acknowledge that. If a person survives an ordinary span of sixty years or more, there is every chance that his or her life as a shapely story has ended, and all that remains to be experienced is epilogue. Life is not over, but the story is. ~ Kurt Vonnegut

And all the bla bla bla bullshit bullshit bullshit about the difference between existing and living.

It seems to me at time that this epilogue is getting a little long, longer and longer and the prospects are not really rosy.

Can't read, can't learn new games, constantly fighting anhedonia : one of my favourite obscure word.

Now as silly as it sounds I lost my mojo again on all games D2 is getting a little too much Last Epoch is gone, Grim Dawn is long gone and might never be back: I didn't even download it on new computer (April 1st,2021) Last Epoch might have lost me and right now the only "salvation" is in the fact that there is a new season on D3 coming somewhere in mid-December and like Pavlov's dog I'll be there salivating as I have been for the past 24 seasons, roughly 6 years BUT IN THE MEANWHILE I AM IN LIMBO.

Anyway my first world problem at the mo just one in nearly 8 billion other peeps with probs.

I might get a new wave in D2 later on Who knows about the mysterious laws of mojos?

But one thing is steady though and disheartening it is the fact that this memory is fading. At a normal or abnormal speed who is to tell?

Most nights I can't remember what we are going to watch as I don't remember what we watch last night and even better I can rewatch a show over and over cuz I don't remember fuck all of my first viewing and sometimes it was quite recent like a month or two not a year or ten.

And that leaves me in a state of Charlie Gordon despair.

Good ole Charlie he is always a staple of my story.

Referring of course to my favourite book: Flowers for Algernon

I don't even want to try to extrapolate where all this is going to lead now.

We all know where entropy is leading us all: to the Great Equaliser! Where all worries all sickness all pain will be gone.

to finish with Vonnegut again EVERYTHING WAS BEAUTIFUL AND NOTHING HURT

Ex Nihilo

 

Ex Nihilo back to Nihilo

One big word today that somewhat irritates me is 

CREATOR

A big word on YouTube and the Internet way overused.

I mean if you look at the average content on YouTube these "Creators" are nothing short of Clickbait Con Artists some sort of modern P.T. Barnum seeking their new suckers or attracting their old ones.

Most Streamers come to mind here and this doctor Grande sticking his nose in just about any subject he thinks will bring him a few clicks.

It's a sad world really to rely on money making schemes like being an "influencer" FFS.  

Some streamers and YouTubers really INFLUENCE the economy or the economy of their game anyway. This Matt guy just has to post a new build for this new weapon or armor to go sky high in prices and way out of reach for the hoi polloi some sort of gaming gentrification.

I mean it must be so hard to come up with new bullshit time after time. I mean the money is good but talk about boring more boring than your regular boring grinding in a game anyway.

When I am not gaming (bipolar cycle in motion here) I usually hover over like 3 sites and most and usually depressing ones as social media are meant to be I think.

Facebook, YouTube, and 9GAG.

I mean I am not a Twitter at all nor an Instagrammer. Not my style prolly not my generation.

YouTube especially lately is a source of despair and depression especially those streamers selling their fantasy or straight out lying 

Where to find this 1 in 49,000 thousands chance item!

REALLY? Easy peasy fucking math! 

Do the run 49, 000 times and maybe just MAYBE you will get it and that is not going too deep in statistical chances with my luck make that 98,000 times and then some.

Besides all the other stuff they have to come up with.
Thoughty2 is another example of try hard hit and miss one too.

This makes me really wish I could read but that is pretty well that:

wishful thinking.

Hell I can't even get into a new video game these days.

I thought Grim Dawn was my last one and then came Last Epoch and I try to go back to it lately and it's like I never played it at all.

Hell I keep making the same mistakes over in over in games I have been playing for like 20 years.

Something in me wishes I could just lie down and read all of Dostoyevsky in just one sit but that won't happen.

Hell game that look quite interesting like Factorio of Stardew Valley drain all energy out of me just watching the first video.

This OLD DOG is really really done with NEW TRICKS methinks.

So wherewithal shall an old man find his way to paraphrase the old psalm? :)

Which brings me back to the good ole book again somehow lol 

well that is another thing I have known for many many years

o well t'will do for now

I hate sites that don't let you paste photos :P

 

NOT EVEN DEATH CAN SAVE YOU FROM ME!

 

more of my worthless thoughts 

I spent most of my time since Sept 23rd playing Diablo 2 Resurrected
aka D2R.

(you can tell this blog has been dead for 2 months now) 

As an ageing mostly solo player I find it somewhat frustrating.

For one thing the game is definitely geared towards multiplayer
and towards a multiplayer style I object to.

For one thing I am too old, too tired, too slow to keep up with any crowd. 

All these top builds this so called S Tier is geared towards Single Element players who are utterly useless in the real game where one does not come across Bers galore everyday and where one depends on others for killing the stuff that he can't. 

Personally I called this LEECHING. It reminds me highly of all these zbuilds in D3 unable to kill anything by themselves but begging for games for XP doing nothing. 

You can replace the words  "anything" and "nothing" by "fuck all" if you wish.

The sorceress seems to be a highly favourite
and maybe it's only me
and I AM JUST TOO FUCKING OLD
but it doesn't work for me.

My AngeleQuiGele doesn't Gele/Freeze anything anymore since she had been respecced 3 times and is now a useless Fire/Lightning trying to max on this Eschuta I found.
She is stuck at hell ancients for now and can't pass that hurdle and can't be helped for now. 

I did manage to get her there and my Javazon only by clearing all the immunes with my Necro who is my best so far and doing well but slow at lvl 89.

I feel like I should buy another version of the game and get my old computer out for two reasons:

One: I am a HORRIBLE HOARDER and I got my maximum 20 characters now loaded with crap.

Two: I could play a 2 players game all by myself in other words:

Play with myself. ;) 

Not sure if that would work but it would be worth a try to sit my sorc in a corner and let my necro clear the ancient and most of the stuff.

Now for good news I think I got
my very first ever Obedience Cryptic Axe
and MY FIRST EVER HOTO (Heart of The Oak)
with my only Vex and a Pul I had to make out of 3 Lems
 and now I am out of Lems and Puls and I need a Pul for something I forgot???
the Sorceress Armor maybe? Or to upgrade my useless Javelins on my Javazon.

I don't see the day in this life time where I will ever get myself an Enigma
or an Infinity since I can't find a single Ber let alone three.

I  have been doing hell cows until the cows come home and I hardly get anything from that except maybe one white cryptic axe.

Anyway as I was saying earlier 

Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result.

I got a unique ring from NM Meph with 300+ % MF (Magic Finding) and you'd think it could be an SOJ but you'd be wrong just one more bloody useless Manald, not even a decent Nagelring.

Still awaiting my elusive Shako and Paladin Zakarum Shield and so many other things.

O well as I was telling my shrink these big companies hire the best of the best shrinks to keep y0u hooked in pain like good psychotic drug dealers. 

You get shite for days and days and are ready to quit and bada bing bada boom a half decent item to get you back in the cycle of hell.

Anyway it keeps me busy for now. I tried to go back to Last Epoch which I had played extensively the previous month and it's like I had never played the game before, I couldn't remember fuck all.

So here it goes Darkness and Oblivion and Merciless Universe! :P

NOT EVEN DEATH CAN SAVE YOU FROM ME! 

Diablo's famous last words.

Speaking of I just heard that Heath Ledger's last words were almost my fav last words joke paraphrased:

Famous last words: Trust me I know what I am doing

he said "Katie, Katie, I'll be fine."  I know what I am doing.

P.S. Last frustration is doing the same mistake over and over and over AGAIN,

i.e. I often try to get a waypoint before tea etc and sometimes I miss a few waypoints and go through 2 or 3 zones without one and 

YOU WOULD THINK
I would be SMART enough to throw a portal JUST IN CASE eh?
Well you'd be WRONG! :)

I die and I have to go back through these 2 or 3 zones NAKED while I could barely do it all dressed up and then I feel like banging my head against a brick wall absolutely disgusted by my own stupidity~ :)

3 R Words

And No they are not 

Reading

'Riting and 

'Rithmetic :) 

Words of today are:

Routine Resolve and Resilience

From Safety Bay Primary School site where I worked once:

These values support our school’s vision, goals and beliefs:

Respect;

Responsibility;

Resilience;

Reflection and

Relationships

Of all the R words the one that bothered me the most was

RESILIENCE

I am pretty sure my mother has finely ground, burnt, and eradicated any kind of resilience
there was in me.

When you live in a dream, hoping to be somewhere else when almost every minute is spent in fear of the next beating and berating you lose hope a little.

Anyway this week, this month rather we discovered 3 R words we didn't know we had:
Resilience, Resolve, and Routine.

So strangely enough things are going to plan and I am no more subject to "the wind" apparently.

I was telling Nabila about my plan to complete my goal for the next 3 weeks ( I see her every three weeks) last report was 10 days of walking and meditation and 10 days of gaming and I told her the next report should be 10 days of gaming and 10 days of walking and meditation and so far so good give a day or two.

Saturday July 24th to Thursday August 12th, 2021  

20 days

Nabila: Wed Aug 4th & Wed August 25

I am slightly surprised and puzzled at my new resolve but I like it.

Last night I slept 9 hours for the first time in 3 weeks.

My previous nights while gaming were more like 6 to 8 hours of sleep.

So here it is for now let's see how the story goes by Wed August 25th today being Friday August 13th.

If the legs hold up I should be good.

Made the mistake of wearing support socks today and almost didn't make it home. Both of my calves were killing me.

As any mother knows :) There is a fine line 

between supporting and smothering .

As soon as the socks came off I was ok though even though I had to take 'em off midway to here.

A little more on the past 20 days:

I usually spend about a week when a new season of Diablo 3 comes along.

I do all the journey chapters get the pet/prize/wings whatever it is and get bored.

This season there was 2 quests:

one is to get the pet of course 

and the other one was to gather all the ethereals in order to get all the transmogs.

Transmogrifications are different looks one can give to armour and weapons etc

Cosmetics they are called.

So I did all that and more

The past 2 seasons I had a goal to reach Paragon 3000 

(I am a bit OCD about round numbers lol)

but got tired of the grinding and gave up.

This season however I kept going until I got there.

And the word Resilience comes in where there was a moment 

when I did a stupid mistake and ruined something very valuable that took me a long time to get

Usually when this happens I am so disheartened by my stupidity that I quit

But not this time :) : Bit the Bullet, fixed it as best as I could and kept going.

(For the Diablo knowledgeable out there I salvaged a pair of Ancient Gloves part of a necessary set augmented at 105: a pretty retarded move by any standard.)

So resilience and resolve won and as PREDICTED I am off the race and back on the walk. 

So here it is let's see again how the story goes in 10 days.