see you here

Not sure what to think of this one really.

Prolly too early to think anyway,
not even finished my coffee yet BUT here we go...

The first word that came to mind here is

PROJECTION

the good ole Freudian Defence Mechanism.

Artists sometimes tend to be hubristic, 

self-centered, 

narrow minded 

and even narcissistic, 

thinking of an old blog here about Oscar Wilde

“Most people are other people. Their thoughts are someone else’s opinions, their lives a mimicry, their passions a quotation" - Oscar Wilde

One seems to forget when one writes about people is that one is people too

Here is another quotation now while I am at it, my trade mark:

Strangers passing in the street
By chance two separate glances meet
And I am you and what I see is me
And do I take you by the hand
And lead you through the land
And help me understand the best I can

I AM YOU AND WHAT I SEE IS ME

I know Bukowski has a cult following and cult following in my mind is to be avoided, it does not respond well to criticism or logic or rationalisation or reason even.

Don't get me wrong I like the guy I mean he is a lucky drunk who kind of made it but still HE could ALSO be called

A pompous blazing bastard fool poet,
a very soft small lump of humanity.

Just like so many of US

not THEM : US!

Here is Pink Floyd again! 

I must be manic again :)

 Back in the days I used to be really strong on what I call 

The Negative Golden Rule

DON'T do unto others what you DON'T want them to do unto you

as opposed to

DON'T do unto others what you DON'T want them to do unto you

As I am getting older I am starting to realise that 

what I don't like, what I don't want  means diddly squat,

it is certainly not the final authority,

the moral compass of all that is good and evil.

More than often it is one of my many idiosyncracies or kinks and mental quirks.

Some other golden rules:

Do unto others before they do unto you

or

Do unto others and then SPLIT!

Morality anyway is a bottomless pit of man made rules, dirtier than anything one could conceive,

I am also led to believe in my old age that first there is no free will and that there is only one SIN if I can use this abusive word loosely:

SELF-RIGHTEOUSNESS

There is nothing uglier
than a holier-than-thou
sour puss controlling freak.

The rest is human nature and highly forgivable, certainly not cause to throw the first stone and to highly remember where we come from, what we are, that we all have the beast, the shadow, the dark side within us and that a certain set of circumstances could certainly make this beast  come out.

Many of these aberrations are totally parent produced and the ones to be punished should often be the parents and not the poor victims of atrocious RNG.

I like to think of life as a video game as so much of it seems to be left to one thing and one thing only: RNG

Random Number Generation.

Or Luck, or Fortune or Fate as some prefer to call it so it makes them feel better,

Some RNG's are just plain horrible and some children had no chance at all to get out of the lot they were sadly given.

So here we go again just a little more of my same old same old own RNG.

Prolly nothing I haven't said before but sometimes it is good to rearrange our thoughts to see if they are still the same or have changed.

As for the golden rule I will stay in my corner and try to mind my own business and try to avoid shame and condemnation because in the end
none of this shit matters
and the Great Equaliser will get us all
and we in turn will also be shit/manure/ ashes whatever:

 a small black dot in the ocean of oblivion and nothingness.

Speaking of I often think something silly that there will be great peace in dying as it means

no more shitting and pissing, :)

activities out of my control and terrible time wasters anyway
if you ask me LOL

so dying will be in fact OUR LAST DUMP
where all of us will turn into shit
into an eternal bowel movement,

Voila for my classy enlightenment!

You are all welcome! :) 

Here we go again! VALAR MORGHULIS!!!

 

I hate losing sleep.

And most of the time I lose sleep over the silliest thing.

Last night was me worrying over a little fight I had on the Montreal site. 

One of my main annoyances last 2 days has been the death of Tina Turner. Not the fact that she is dead she was 80 something FFS more than fair game for the Grim Reaper.

No but the fact I have to read about it a gazillion times some sites posting it many many times every member thinking he or she is bringing something new.

The Montreal admin let this one flow by even he himself posted recently.

Anyway I would have to post the convo but I have now deleted it LOL I have blocked the asshole who was an absolute 

SYCOPHANT, ASSHOLE, BROWN NOSER, SUCKHOLE  :)

 as we say in English and as we say in good Quebec French

    UN ESTIE DE TÉTEUX!

He rubbed it in over and over again that he was getting away with  it

and was an ABSOLUTE ABJECT SYCOPHANT.

And it made me a little sick to my stomach and I wanted to use a few of these epithets on the site but we all know where that would have led now.

I am already in trouble with Facebook AGAIN for something they took completely out of context.  AI has no heart of mind or comprehension or maybe it was just a complete snowflake reporting me.

Story is there was a funny board on a chess site where there was an opportunity to do an en passant move which is a meme by itself in chess as it is always tempting to show that we KNOW the EN PASSANT move. Problem is that in this position doing en passant would have cost the game. SO I said joking:
En Passant by suicide!

AND HELL BROKE LOOSE.

I mentioned the 'S' word  and the world stopped.

I should have said
En Passant by seppuku or even
En Passant by Sudoku and it might have flied~!

So I got reprimanded restricted and what not because AI does not understand CONTEXT, it doesn't know the diff between the spirit of the law and the letter of the law.

I noticed the 'S' word gets blocked a lot recently like THAT is gonna help.

Anyway back to my original subject I am here sitting some other celebrity can die soon so we can MOVE THE FUCK ON,

I used to do this shit mind you and I prolly still do but I am trying to refrain from it. Thing is 2 REAL PERSONS DIE every FUCKING SECOND and I will be one of those soon but no one gives a shit.

I mean no one has prolly listened to Tina Turner in years now (I know I haven't) but now that she is dead and was long forgotten let's all go hysterical about it.

Aldous Huxley had the misfortune of dying on November 22nd, 1963 and THAT didn't make the news obviously. He was relegated to a nobody because someone "BIGGER" than him died on the same day.

Anyway not sure what it is altogether the trip coming or what not the circle of life? the cycles of life? but I was feeling my mental health was slipping down a little? The fact I don 't have a therapist for the past few weeks? WHO KNOWS? Certainly not me,

Time is relative here in Australia but even this afternoon many many hours after the fact someone posted that TT died! 

I wanted to post

IS THERE ANYONE IN THE WORLD THAT DOESN'T KNOW THAT TINA TURNER DIED YET FFS?

PLEASE HURRY UP NEXT CELEBRITY.

Again it's prolly only me again being a cantankerous mental sick fuck.

It's all well known that Social Media is NOT GOOD for mental health!~ :P 

Hurry up June 2nd so I can get lost in Diablo IV again.

It's a much better world! ;) 

VOILA! END OF RANT!  FOR NOW!

I sit and wonder some time where they're gone?

Oh dear dying blog what could I tell you today?

They say journaling is good for your mental health.

All dem spellchecks can’t keep up with the modern world!

Journaling IS a word.

Well I journal in my head a million thoughts a day but that is not the same.

[Speaking of in my usual décousu style I kind of discovered I was better at chess actually when I don’t think too much.]

Well obviously that is not the same, in fact it is more part of the problem than part of the solution.

[another strange segue I got to get back to meditation some day soon]

Some of these many thoughts are good, some are bad, and some are just pure genius! :P

Anyway as I read my old blogs once in a while I am very proud of some of my stuff.

Mind you my pearls,

to use an expression I have used many times before, are buried in a huge mountain of manure, a shit ton of shit.!

I, who is so against editing and so pro flow of consciousness could certainly used to tweaking but like everything else in life I am nothing if not a self-centered narcissistic HOARDER.

But anyway as I have said from the very beginning, after I am gone this blog will be pretty well all that is left of me.

At 67 now, it seems like “after I am gone” could be any day now.

Hahaha I left the double now on purpose now since I seem to use now a lot now when I write anyway.

But yeah my signature is there anyway all my left tendencies and all my peculiar thinking how I have been formed and shaped for so many years, meandering through life and readjusting my positions as I go.

Sometimes it seems like I rehash the same old shit over and over but so be it, consider it the cost of flow of consciousness.

Sometimes I wish there was more in this blog, sometimes I wish there was less.

Still puzzled daily with this decaying mind of mine and even wondering lately if it is not decaying but has always been decayed.

This space cadet eternal mind of mine has always been there

(strongly associated to dissociation if I was to do some self psychoanalyses: disassociation to shelter myself from unbearable beatings and a harsh world for my tender soul)

So maybe I have always been stupid but now I am old enough to just realize it is what I said this week.

I had a good cry this week after I nearly got ran over by a car

thinking hell I haven’t been able to drive for the past 2 years 

and now I won’t even be able to fucking WALK.

I check the street I start crossing and somehow the spacetime continuum disconnects and nek minit I got a car on my ass.

And this is not the first time it happens. Sure I had headphones on but it happened again later this week and without headphones. 

Fuck how am I gonna survive Montreal where cars come from a different direction?

It took me over two years here to kind of get used to the opposite driving side.

And same yesterday at chess where my mind went totally numb and useless.

Sue had to remind me that I AM DIABETIC but still.
It’s like I know I can play a good game some times
but at others I am just living in a FOG.

Same with everything else these days.

I was thinking how hard it is to get Ritalin here in this country but in my case it might just be a Life Saver as important and necessary as insulin.

Anyway as always I am writing all this shit to myself again

You live alone You die alone.

But it’s supposed to be good fer ya they say.

For some odd strange reason even though everything is moot and pointless

 and nothing really matters anymore

it seems to be that my time blogging 

is more ‘productive’ than my time gaming

which is a question I won’t even ask comes June 2nd,

Pavlov Dog at your service here Blizzard!

Thanks for all the years of perfect dissociation.

Add a little music to that and Farrokh Bulsara was right again:

Nothing really matters

Nothing really matters, Anyone can see,

Nothing really matters,

Nothing really matters to me

Any way the wind blows... ♫♪♫

We are all prisoners here of our own device.

LIKE TEARS IN RAIN

 On the same line as previous post 

I am nothing if not free association 😛 

I can free associate a million thoughts a minute 😛 

all lost like tears in rain

when André Fortin says

L'histoire du monde pis mon histoire sont mélangées

J'viens juste de r'vivre cent milles autres vies en une seconde

Toutes mes conneries pis l'ambition de l'humanité

Ça r'vient au même

Y'a pas d'coupable, y'a pas de honte

I believe him!

The history of the world and my history are mixed up

I just relive a hundred thousand other lives in a second

All my bullshit and  the ambition of humanity

It comes to the same

There's no culprit, there's no shame

100,000 thousand lives in 1 second is easy when you're manic.

In fact being manic is a super power!~😛 

I like to paraphrase Professor X here

Professor X: [voiceover] Bipolars. Since the discovery of their existence they have been regarded with fear, suspicion, often hatred. Across the planet, debate rages.
Are Bipolars the next link in the evolutionary chain or simply a new species of humanity fighting for their share of the world? Either way it is a historical fact:
Sharing the world has never been humanity's defining attribute.

A spinning mind is not always fun though.

When I was young and stupid I used to say trying to sound wise that

In Life you only choose the heights of your mountains

The depths of your valleys will equal the heights of your mountains.

I prefer my mountains really high despite the depth of my valleys.

BUT NOT THAT I AM OLDER AND WISER LOL

A nice little baby roller coaster ride  will do just fine thank you. 😜

P.S. yeah all those thoughts coming in a second leaving in a nanosecond which is a point meditation is trying to show us.
They come and go and come and go.
You are not your thoughts!
You can sit and observe them coming and going.

Which I don't do often enough really.
Except at night when these thoughts race at light speed and I can't sleep.
RISING! FALLING! RISING! FALLING!
Thinking! RISING FALLING.
It seems so pointless and useless at times but there is something to it deep down.

Me not thinking or me thinking it is all the same.
As the great Persian Prophet once said in his wisdom:

Nothing really matters,

Anyone can see,
Nothing really matters,
Nothing really matters to me
Any way the wind blows...

Every single thought will be gone one day 

LIKE TEARS IN RAIN 

Where did all this people go Who had something to tell???

 

Où est allé tout ce monde

Qui avait quelque chose à raconter???

Where did all this people go

Who had something to tell???

Disparu! Vanished~! Avalé! Détruit~

Utterly entirely buried in a pile of manure the size of Jupiter.

1:40 PM 

5,404,163Blog posts written today

516,524,270Tweets sent today

and not counting the millions and millions of YouTube videos and the millions and millions of Facebook and YouTube ADDICTIVE Short Reels.

I don't know~ as an ageing disillusioned boomer I know we always miss the point at we get older but still...

It seems to me that Aldous Huxley has won hands down against George Orwell!

Where Orwell was trying to control the quantity  of news and media Huxley got us drowning in it.

‘Oh wonder!

How many goodly creatures are there here!

How beauteous mankind is! Oh brave new world,

That has such people in’t.’

Prospero retorts: ‘Tis new to thee!’ Shakespeare is also using the phrase ironically, so Huxley’s novel not only takes its title from Shakespeare but is also mirroring its tone.

These words were obviously spoken by a very sheltered Miranda, very innocent and very ignorant.

Was it better in the old days when people had access to old libraries and read the classics and the old mythologies and the old TALES???

Because raconter being a raconteur is exactly this:

TELL TALES.

I mean not so long ago we had good raconteur
hell Tom Waits comes to mind here among many others.

Now we have cheap cheap cheap clickbait hunters by the millions obviously paid by the minute like one of these scamming psychic or sex lines of old.

YouTubers! 

Content Creator!?!?!? (make gagging sound here)

Influencers FFS! (make puking / retching sounds here)

Millions and millions of short reelers all trying to grab your attention some not even trying at all.

And yet nothing is said, nothing is done, no wisdom is gained, no knowledge is reached. 

They should ALL bare my name!

KENOPHON!

Empty Sounds.

Babbler~

Soap Boxers of the Areopagus of old~!

Drowned daily in sounds and wanna be entertainers.

To paraphrase the good ole KJV here

Wherewithal shall a young man FIND his way?

Or an Old Man for that matter.

 

I admit it is getting hard to get away from this misery

as if this whole generation was programmed like Pavlov's dog.

I do believe we do suffer programmation of some sort daily

Sometime we just call it CULTURE

as in being CULTIVATED just like the good veggies we are.

It is more visible and obvious from the OUTSIDE.

Get out of your environment for a while and come back to it

And open your eyes and ears and see and hear.

When did my people all became robots? 

Strange.

Same everywhere a strong current of indoctrination everywhere you go:
French being French, B
rits being Brits,
Chinese being Chinese
Ad Vitam Aeternam and Ad Nauseum.

So this ZEITGEIST has all of us becoming utterly stupid 

running towards IDIOCRACY and IGNORANCE.  SMH!!!

News are not News!

Facts are not Facts!

And like Van the man says:

Everybody is trying to sell me some SHITE*

Streamers and YouTubers and what not making a killing out of stupidity and mob rules.

*Don't know who's round the corner, 

trying to sell me some more tripe

 

So ALL in ALL I STILL don't know

Wherewithal shall a young man FIND his way?

Or an Old Man for that matter.

but I hope to find out one day! :P 

And don't give me the KJV answer now!

Been There! Done that!

Bought the T-Shirt! Went to the Conference.

Read the damn book 7 times
 and tried to live it for a long long time
before I SAW THE LIGHT! :P 

There has to be some secular logical answer to that question now! 

O POOR LITTLE BLOG...

 ...you have been so neglected. 

Nearly April and hardly any post at all.

Tempus Fugit!

Today was a rough day well this whole month has been so far.

Where to start?

The  bittersweet feeling of meeting and "losing" a friend all in one day?
Well  kind of lost in geography anyway!

More on that later I am sure.

The loss of my psychologist I had to more than 2 years?

Moving on to green pasture leaving me in the desert.

The trashing I had today  chess which makes me question my whole life?

The fact that I keep losing won games time after time
questioning my sanity,
my motives for keeping at it
and the whole ageing brain situation?

The fact I don't have a shrink anymore to talk about that?

Always tired these days mind you the Diablo madness that has been going on did not help.

First Diablo 3 Season 28 which kept me manic for almost 2 weeks having so many loops to jump for 2 accounts.

Pavlov's dog not questioning why do you have to jump all these loops/hoops?

Then the week end madness of Diablo 4 Beta!

Figured since I paid for it might as well enjoy myself.

And I did.

Now with the Montreal holiday coming in July all is kind of culminating to total madness,

3 months and 10 days should go fast especially June considering D4 is supposed to come out for real.

Next week end will be spent in the 2nd D4 Beta for sure.

Now what I have to work out is what do I do with chess???

Gotta get back to my walks too if the temperature can cool down a bit and my knee heal a little better.

O yeah not mentioning my dummy spit at the Autumn Centre this week.

I am usually very agreeable and not much for confrontation but this time I lost it. Felt a little bad about it but dealing with it a little better now. They had it coming! LOL.

I was looking at the OCEAN 5 traits  on this Agreeableness of which I think I am pretty high being Canadian and a wuss etc LOL and then the next one was
NEUROTICISM!
and I said well I am pretty HIGH on that one too and Sue had a good chuckle!
:)

The Story?

Well again I was struggling losing a won game with Milan who has been trashing me for days now and some lady next to us was showing videos on her phone to her friend next to her and I lost it.

Could you make less noise please I am trying to think?

- But we were here first

Me: - It doesn't matter who was first! Manners are Manners!

Must have work cuz they were talking very softly after.

(Should have thanked them)

 

Today was much quieter but I STILL LOST! LOL

After a long long 2 hours struggle where I was winning all the way
and then one brain fart and GAME OVER Red Rover~

I was so so upset at myself.
I wanted to quit there and then.

They still managed to coax me into another loss. 

Anyway full week ahead!
Perth tomorrow!
Doctor Thursday,
Massage Friday and maybe more chess
and then Full Diablo IV Beta week end practicing with Druid and Necro.

But this entropy is really bugging me.

Couldn't even manage a simple Sudoku just before starting to write this.

67 and a few projects on the back burner:

Montreal July 2023 and

Lyon June 2024.

Now I gotta live that long and hope to have some brains left when I come back~ 

Voila for the catch up