NOT EVEN DEATH CAN SAVE YOU FROM ME!

 

more of my worthless thoughts 

I spent most of my time since Sept 23rd playing Diablo 2 Resurrected
aka D2R.

(you can tell this blog has been dead for 2 months now) 

As an ageing mostly solo player I find it somewhat frustrating.

For one thing the game is definitely geared towards multiplayer
and towards a multiplayer style I object to.

For one thing I am too old, too tired, too slow to keep up with any crowd. 

All these top builds this so called S Tier is geared towards Single Element players who are utterly useless in the real game where one does not come across Bers galore everyday and where one depends on others for killing the stuff that he can't. 

Personally I called this LEECHING. It reminds me highly of all these zbuilds in D3 unable to kill anything by themselves but begging for games for XP doing nothing. 

You can replace the words  "anything" and "nothing" by "fuck all" if you wish.

The sorceress seems to be a highly favourite
and maybe it's only me
and I AM JUST TOO FUCKING OLD
but it doesn't work for me.

My AngeleQuiGele doesn't Gele/Freeze anything anymore since she had been respecced 3 times and is now a useless Fire/Lightning trying to max on this Eschuta I found.
She is stuck at hell ancients for now and can't pass that hurdle and can't be helped for now. 

I did manage to get her there and my Javazon only by clearing all the immunes with my Necro who is my best so far and doing well but slow at lvl 89.

I feel like I should buy another version of the game and get my old computer out for two reasons:

One: I am a HORRIBLE HOARDER and I got my maximum 20 characters now loaded with crap.

Two: I could play a 2 players game all by myself in other words:

Play with myself. ;) 

Not sure if that would work but it would be worth a try to sit my sorc in a corner and let my necro clear the ancient and most of the stuff.

Now for good news I think I got
my very first ever Obedience Cryptic Axe
and MY FIRST EVER HOTO (Heart of The Oak)
with my only Vex and a Pul I had to make out of 3 Lems
 and now I am out of Lems and Puls and I need a Pul for something I forgot???
the Sorceress Armor maybe? Or to upgrade my useless Javelins on my Javazon.

I don't see the day in this life time where I will ever get myself an Enigma
or an Infinity since I can't find a single Ber let alone three.

I  have been doing hell cows until the cows come home and I hardly get anything from that except maybe one white cryptic axe.

Anyway as I was saying earlier 

Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result.

I got a unique ring from NM Meph with 300+ % MF (Magic Finding) and you'd think it could be an SOJ but you'd be wrong just one more bloody useless Manald, not even a decent Nagelring.

Still awaiting my elusive Shako and Paladin Zakarum Shield and so many other things.

O well as I was telling my shrink these big companies hire the best of the best shrinks to keep y0u hooked in pain like good psychotic drug dealers. 

You get shite for days and days and are ready to quit and bada bing bada boom a half decent item to get you back in the cycle of hell.

Anyway it keeps me busy for now. I tried to go back to Last Epoch which I had played extensively the previous month and it's like I had never played the game before, I couldn't remember fuck all.

So here it goes Darkness and Oblivion and Merciless Universe! :P

NOT EVEN DEATH CAN SAVE YOU FROM ME! 

Diablo's famous last words.

Speaking of I just heard that Heath Ledger's last words were almost my fav last words joke paraphrased:

Famous last words: Trust me I know what I am doing

he said "Katie, Katie, I'll be fine."  I know what I am doing.

P.S. Last frustration is doing the same mistake over and over and over AGAIN,

i.e. I often try to get a waypoint before tea etc and sometimes I miss a few waypoints and go through 2 or 3 zones without one and 

YOU WOULD THINK
I would be SMART enough to throw a portal JUST IN CASE eh?
Well you'd be WRONG! :)

I die and I have to go back through these 2 or 3 zones NAKED while I could barely do it all dressed up and then I feel like banging my head against a brick wall absolutely disgusted by my own stupidity~ :)

3 R Words

And No they are not 

Reading

'Riting and 

'Rithmetic :) 

Words of today are:

Routine Resolve and Resilience

From Safety Bay Primary School site where I worked once:

These values support our school’s vision, goals and beliefs:

Respect;

Responsibility;

Resilience;

Reflection and

Relationships

Of all the R words the one that bothered me the most was

RESILIENCE

I am pretty sure my mother has finely ground, burnt, and eradicated any kind of resilience
there was in me.

When you live in a dream, hoping to be somewhere else when almost every minute is spent in fear of the next beating and berating you lose hope a little.

Anyway this week, this month rather we discovered 3 R words we didn't know we had:
Resilience, Resolve, and Routine.

So strangely enough things are going to plan and I am no more subject to "the wind" apparently.

I was telling Nabila about my plan to complete my goal for the next 3 weeks ( I see her every three weeks) last report was 10 days of walking and meditation and 10 days of gaming and I told her the next report should be 10 days of gaming and 10 days of walking and meditation and so far so good give a day or two.

Saturday July 24th to Thursday August 12th, 2021  

20 days

Nabila: Wed Aug 4th & Wed August 25

I am slightly surprised and puzzled at my new resolve but I like it.

Last night I slept 9 hours for the first time in 3 weeks.

My previous nights while gaming were more like 6 to 8 hours of sleep.

So here it is for now let's see how the story goes by Wed August 25th today being Friday August 13th.

If the legs hold up I should be good.

Made the mistake of wearing support socks today and almost didn't make it home. Both of my calves were killing me.

As any mother knows :) There is a fine line 

between supporting and smothering .

As soon as the socks came off I was ok though even though I had to take 'em off midway to here.

A little more on the past 20 days:

I usually spend about a week when a new season of Diablo 3 comes along.

I do all the journey chapters get the pet/prize/wings whatever it is and get bored.

This season there was 2 quests:

one is to get the pet of course 

and the other one was to gather all the ethereals in order to get all the transmogs.

Transmogrifications are different looks one can give to armour and weapons etc

Cosmetics they are called.

So I did all that and more

The past 2 seasons I had a goal to reach Paragon 3000 

(I am a bit OCD about round numbers lol)

but got tired of the grinding and gave up.

This season however I kept going until I got there.

And the word Resilience comes in where there was a moment 

when I did a stupid mistake and ruined something very valuable that took me a long time to get

Usually when this happens I am so disheartened by my stupidity that I quit

But not this time :) : Bit the Bullet, fixed it as best as I could and kept going.

(For the Diablo knowledgeable out there I salvaged a pair of Ancient Gloves part of a necessary set augmented at 105: a pretty retarded move by any standard.)

So resilience and resolve won and as PREDICTED I am off the race and back on the walk. 

So here it is let's see again how the story goes in 10 days.

My boring story or June /July 2021

 Thursday June 3rd Nabila and the famous mindfuck :P

As I was discussing things with my psychologist Nabila I mentioned I used to meditate before and kind of stopped and she said well won't you start again? And I said well you know me and the big D word we're not really good friends: D being Discipline.

And she said (knowing me a little) Why don't you think of it as ROUTINE then instead of DISCIPLINE.

You LIKE routine. And there we went from there.

Started Meditation on Friday June 4th and I barely missed a day ever since, 

(maybe one but I am not sure). 

If I don't start at my set time 4PM I do it before or after it doesn't matter but I get it done before tea time (6:30PM here)

And to this I gradually added Walking Meditation following instructions from my fav monk: Yuttadhammo Bhikkhu a "kid" from Ontario, my son's age.

Walking meditation went well for a few days just walking around the park at the end of the driveway and then just became walking.

Fast forward to around June 18th and I saw a video of a black guy telling a story and saying that day that he looked black more than ever with his do-rag and this timbs. Googling both I said Hey I GOT TIMBS:) Those walking boots I bought in England barely used.

 

So I started wearing those instead of my faithful New Balance 857 who had taken me for a gazillion steps in Montreal in 2018 and Arles in 2017.

Then I started noticing an infection on my left big toe which kept getting worse and worse and me being the space cadet that I am never put two and two together  but started taking antibiotics instead. Then this infection really flared up after my 5000 steps on July 3rd.

Things got worse and weather didn't help so my walking really diminished after that until I went to see my GP on Thursday and then an emergency meeting with my podiatrist on Friday  July 16th who just pulled the dead nail right out took one look at my boots and said here is your problem your left boot is too small. 

So now pain and infection free and one nail short I resumed my walking yesterday in that pouring rain just to go buy shoes.

So here I am back at the grind and trying to reestablish my walking and meditation routine.

Wednesday July 21st now and looking forward to my new routine.

Eventually it will add up to weight loss somewhere sometime :) but still in the meantime a better way to spend my time.

Next goal is to walk to the Indian Ocean It shouldn't be too difficult even if I HAVE to call for a ride back after.

857 to 624 

Now on the shoes well I have been an exclusive New Balance guy for donkeys years trying to always go up a number or two having been told but not verified that the higher the number the better shoe.

But this time I had to make an exception. As much as I LOVED my 857 and they have been very good to me for a million miles and many many years and I really wanted to repeat the experience but the $200 tag price was just a little more than I was ready to pay. 

So after much shopping and 4000 + steps I decided to opt for a pair of 624 for $70 which will have to do for now. 

They had a good run today at 7000 steps and I am looking forward to crank up the mileage on those in the near future. Usually my shoes only get a beating when I travel (i.e. Montreal and Arles) but now they will get their money's worth locally.

Meditashun Progris Riport

 I am a grammar Nazi except when it comes to Charlie Gordon and Flowers for Algernon! :) 

Well it's been almost 6 weeks now so I thought I'd lay down my thoughts about my "progris".

It all started on Thursday June 3rd when I was at Nabila's, my psychologist.  I did mention that I did some meditation in the past and she suggested I tried again to which I answer yeah but no but yeah but I am not very good at the D word: DISCIPLINE.

So the clever one answered, knowing me a little, why don't you think of it as a ROUTINE instead,
you LIKE routine. 

I swear the devil is a woman lol.

So here I am starting on
Friday June 4th and now
Saturday July 10th and I hardly missed a day IIRC,
maybe ONE but I forgot.

Oh yeah the deal with said psychologist was once a week.

It has been and still is a compelling provocative experience. 

(I had to hit the Thesaurus for a few synonyms for interesting lol)

Now one could really get completely lost researching the subject.

Wow there is a gazillion gurus out there and all of them better than the others. I was trying to find the middle way in the middle way.

Not too keen on the strong Buddhist approach as it irks my sceptical humanist atheist nature.
So I tried different approach especially one monk who I thought was a bit more balanced even though as much as I respect him I would not live his life for sure. 
Also Jon Kabat-Zinn is usually a safe bet as well and for some odd reason
I tend to stay away from Sam Harris, some sort of irrational dislike somehow and prolly not antisemitism lol as JKZ is alright in my book.

Speaking of I was pleased to hear my fav monk that they had been MANY holocausts.

So now what? I would like to think that it has already produced some benefits I think even though I suck at introspection but one example springs to  mind dealing with greed and aversion and likes and dislikes and what not. 

I was sitting in the car really annoyed by a really dirty windscreen and it always creates some tension when I ask for it to be cleaned so instead I put that under my dislikes and decided to observe my reaction instead of reacting to it.

between the two poles of expression and suppression

lies a third option - mere observation.

Otherwise I don't know life goes on I had added some walking meditations to this and then just some plain walking but I have been held down lately by an infected big toe and some lousy stormy weather. 

I DID do my 4 PM meditation though today my usual 30 mins even though I have had 40 and 45 mins too lately.

Still looking for the middle way in the middle way though :P

Oh yeah as I observe my thoughts and my mind my place of predilection seems to be the near future LOL

My mind always wander to what I will do right after my meditation and
I call my meditation a success when I don't react to all these urges LOL

I have been quite proud of myself too last few days for NOT looking at my timer or at the time another daily obsessi0n of mine to know what time it is and how long til this or that.

I just wait for my bell more or less patiently.

So here it is my last 40 days which I noticed also seem to keep me away from my blog???  

Correlation is NOT Causation or so they say.

"REALITY"

AN UNDERSTANDING OF REALITY
AN UNDERSTANDING OF REALITY
AN UNDERSTANDING OF REALITY

I will have to paraphrase Pontius Pilate here:

WHAT IS REALITY?

Why do I sense a little bit of conceit and self-righteousness in this expression?

Reality!

Truth!

Wisdom!

Call it what you will but it is all a very SUBJECTIVE concept 

if it exists at all.

Buddha's "reality" and Jesus's "Truth" are 2 different things
and everyone's understanding of either is altogether a different and unique thing
for each individual: 

billions and billions or "realities" and "truths"

People boasting of truth and wisdom and an understanding of reality should probably be avoided like the pest.

You shall know the truth and HERE COMES TROUBLE.

Unfortunately my fav monk does not allow commentary on his YouTube channel lol.

Mind you I do admire the "young" man.  

Exactly my son's age, born in Canada in  May 79 and with a history one could qualify as different I guess and certainly COMMITTED for sure:  

A determination rare in these days.

But STILL I cringe at concepts like Karma and Reincarnation and accepting those ancient myths a "REALITY". 

I am also in my iconoclast habit inclined to doubt and question everything and especially when big names try to promote it.

I have said previously that it annoys me to no end that some many so-called sceptics, rationalists, and atheists seem so inclined to separate Buddhism from all the other thousands of myths out there.

How many times must I say it?

A MYTH IS A MYTH IS A MYTH.

Sure I don't mind trying a bit of meditation for peace of mind
but I will not take the robe, beg for my food
and least of all having people BOW DOWN to me. 

That is outrageous in my book.

And we haven't talked about sex, drugs and rock and roll and coffee YET. :P

Anyway my knee jerk reaction again to my fav monk on the block so far.

FIIK

 'Less restrictive future lockdowns' rely on more people getting vaccinated for COVID-19, experts say.

Of course MY COGNITIVE BIAS AGREES WITH THAT :)

Other things my COGNITIVE BIASES think:

Vaccines are good.

There is no god. The is no devil.

There is no heaven, no hell, no karma, no reincarnation,
and many other current myths
created only for greed and control by people with no power at all.

I am beginning to think that hell there is not even "TRUTH" 

and that us complex apes have just rendered thinking and consciousness FUBAR.

No one is right, no one is wrong 

or even better ALL are wrong 

including yours truly which does not reverse the previous statements.

Looking at the misery and complexity of the world and its now exponential growth it is clear to me that life is just a

Merciless Random Number Generation (RNG)

and it is futile to seek a meaning into it all.

IT IS WHAT IT IS 

as my wise dying daughter used to say.

It is getting quite clear that with nearly 8 billion people on earth soon the demand for new souls for reincarnation
and the very basic maths of reincarnation itself don't compute.

Anyway it is just ONE form of delusional mythical thinking 

among a plethora of myth after myth after myth in history: 

each local group having its own insular favourite myth to cling to with a vengeance,

 ready to kill anyone else who is not the CHOSEN.

Add to this today on top of the gazillion myths all over the world the exponential growth of conspiracy myths growing pandemically.

Dunning Kruger Syndrome being also an epidemic exponential growth of certainty among the ignorant coupled with arrogance and there you go: TNT / Dynamite / C4 or some other explosive mix.

So wherewithal shall an old man find his way?

My usual answer to all is:

FUCKED IF I KNOW  

Let's start a new acronym now  FIIK 

not new apparently

Office Girl : Oi, there you are. So what does this F.I.I.K you keep putting in the delivery time column actually stand for?

Truck Driver: Fucked if I know.

Office Girl: No need to be rude about it ya prick.

Qualms with Buddhism

 

venerable?  prostration?

Colossians Chapter 2

why, as though living in the world, are ye subject to ordinances,

21 (Touch not; taste not; handle not;

22 Which all are to perish with the using;) after the commandments and doctrines of men?

23 Which things have indeed a shew of wisdom in will worship, and humility, and neglecting of the body: not in any honour to the satisfying of the flesh.  KJ

21 “Do not handle! Do not taste! Do not touch!”? 22 These rules, which have to do with things that are all destined to perish with use, are based on merely human commands and teachings. 23 Such regulations indeed have an appearance of wisdom, with their self-imposed worship, their false humility and their harsh treatment of the body, but they lack any value in restraining sensual indulgence. NIV

I should refrain from attachment to my cat / rabbit / pet so I don't suffer when my cat / rabbit / pet  shows its impermanence and carks it?????

Eat and Drink and Be Merry?  Buddhists: Fuck Forbid!

It has a STENCH to it that I cannot identify. 

Yet it attracts the greatest minds and some scientists: 

Sam Harris, Jon Kabat-Zinn, Marsha Linehan etc.

Speaking of Harris and Kabat-Zinn 

There is a high form of idolatry attached to it which should be stinking to atheists or any rationalist and even Christians and Muslims: all these images of Gurus and Buddhas everywhere and all this prostration and offerings etc

It sure IS a GOOD SHOW of wisdom and what not and I have been attracted to it for a long long time beginning with my worshipping of Lobsang Rampa in my teens:
a well known scam artist and fraud
but hell Astral Projection sounded like pure heaven and a pure haven for this battered kid who was looking for an escape from a cruel reality.

But I do have to admire the commitment of some though. 

This amazing Canadian monk is fascinating to watch: his determination and his zeal are unreal. Monk in early 20's, learning Pali and what not.  I have always admired one who studies languages in order to understand as so many things are lost in translation.

I think I might have said earlier that I admire people who study ancient languages like

Dr. Miles Smith was a student of classic authors from his youth, was well acquainted with the Rabbinical learning, and well versed in Hebrew, Chaldee, Syriac and Arabic. He was often called a "walking library." Born about 1568, died 1624.

John Boyse, or Bois, at six years of age could write Hebrew elegantly. He was for twelve years chief lecturer in Greek at St. John's College, Cambridge. Bishop Andrewes, of Ely, made him a prebend in his church in 1615. He was one of the most laborious of all the revisers. Born 1560, died 1643.

Rowan Williams speaks or reads eleven languages: English, Welsh, Spanish, French, German, Russian, Biblical Hebrew, Syriac, Latin, and both Ancient (koine) and Modern Greek.[25][26] He learnt Russian in order to be able to read the works of Dostoevsky in the original.[27] He has since described his spoken German as a "disaster area" and said that he is "a very clumsy reader and writer of Russian"

But still sure the Laplace's Demon in me wished he knew
ALL the languages and had read
ALL the classics and
ALL the so-called sacred texts

but to what purpose I know not.  

Even Buddha himself would say that wisdom and "reality" are not in reading or 'knowing" but in DOING.

I am glad I have watched  the report of Solange / Ina in French on her visit to the VIPASSANA  Centre, we have one near here also and I was always curious but obviously it will never happen me getting old and all.

Anyway Debussy is not helping much to clear my mind in order to better explain my love / hate relationship with Buddhism.  

I have expressed before that A MYTH IS A MYTH IS A MYTH and Buddha after all is just that: another myth.

Sure I liked my moderate meditation week this week
but as Solange said so well all these things that depend on will are bound to fail in time.

The idea of overcoming pain with practice is also interesting
but then again nothing a good dose of oxycodone wouldn't do  

so the Middle way may not be reality / dhamma after all.

One thing also that bugs me a lot is that it is almost impossible to learn about Buddhism in your own language.

They all use these mystical phoney words and air and one has to totally learn another language before one begins to understand.

So all this talk to myself now I wish I had a bouncing wall somewhere to trigger some more thinking in this tired head.

So this is it then and there it is, it is what it is :P

Wherever you go there you are.

P.S. this Linehan guru looks quite fishy to me according to her Wiki profile. 

But the science world is chock full of these big egos and super professors flying high on pride and respect but low on facts and reality.

Voila for now