Long epilogue

 

We all see our lives as stories, it seems to me, and I am convinced that psychologists and sociologists and historians and so on would find it useful to acknowledge that. If a person survives an ordinary span of sixty years or more, there is every chance that his or her life as a shapely story has ended, and all that remains to be experienced is epilogue. Life is not over, but the story is. ~ Kurt Vonnegut

And all the bla bla bla bullshit bullshit bullshit about the difference between existing and living.

It seems to me at time that this epilogue is getting a little long, longer and longer and the prospects are not really rosy.

Can't read, can't learn new games, constantly fighting anhedonia : one of my favourite obscure word.

Now as silly as it sounds I lost my mojo again on all games D2 is getting a little too much Last Epoch is gone, Grim Dawn is long gone and might never be back: I didn't even download it on new computer (April 1st,2021) Last Epoch might have lost me and right now the only "salvation" is in the fact that there is a new season on D3 coming somewhere in mid-December and like Pavlov's dog I'll be there salivating as I have been for the past 24 seasons, roughly 6 years BUT IN THE MEANWHILE I AM IN LIMBO.

Anyway my first world problem at the mo just one in nearly 8 billion other peeps with probs.

I might get a new wave in D2 later on Who knows about the mysterious laws of mojos?

But one thing is steady though and disheartening it is the fact that this memory is fading. At a normal or abnormal speed who is to tell?

Most nights I can't remember what we are going to watch as I don't remember what we watch last night and even better I can rewatch a show over and over cuz I don't remember fuck all of my first viewing and sometimes it was quite recent like a month or two not a year or ten.

And that leaves me in a state of Charlie Gordon despair.

Good ole Charlie he is always a staple of my story.

Referring of course to my favourite book: Flowers for Algernon

I don't even want to try to extrapolate where all this is going to lead now.

We all know where entropy is leading us all: to the Great Equaliser! Where all worries all sickness all pain will be gone.

to finish with Vonnegut again EVERYTHING WAS BEAUTIFUL AND NOTHING HURT

Ex Nihilo

 

Ex Nihilo back to Nihilo

One big word today that somewhat irritates me is 

CREATOR

A big word on YouTube and the Internet way overused.

I mean if you look at the average content on YouTube these "Creators" are nothing short of Clickbait Con Artists some sort of modern P.T. Barnum seeking their new suckers or attracting their old ones.

Most Streamers come to mind here and this doctor Grande sticking his nose in just about any subject he thinks will bring him a few clicks.

It's a sad world really to rely on money making schemes like being an "influencer" FFS.  

Some streamers and YouTubers really INFLUENCE the economy or the economy of their game anyway. This Matt guy just has to post a new build for this new weapon or armor to go sky high in prices and way out of reach for the hoi polloi some sort of gaming gentrification.

I mean it must be so hard to come up with new bullshit time after time. I mean the money is good but talk about boring more boring than your regular boring grinding in a game anyway.

When I am not gaming (bipolar cycle in motion here) I usually hover over like 3 sites and most and usually depressing ones as social media are meant to be I think.

Facebook, YouTube, and 9GAG.

I mean I am not a Twitter at all nor an Instagrammer. Not my style prolly not my generation.

YouTube especially lately is a source of despair and depression especially those streamers selling their fantasy or straight out lying 

Where to find this 1 in 49,000 thousands chance item!

REALLY? Easy peasy fucking math! 

Do the run 49, 000 times and maybe just MAYBE you will get it and that is not going too deep in statistical chances with my luck make that 98,000 times and then some.

Besides all the other stuff they have to come up with.
Thoughty2 is another example of try hard hit and miss one too.

This makes me really wish I could read but that is pretty well that:

wishful thinking.

Hell I can't even get into a new video game these days.

I thought Grim Dawn was my last one and then came Last Epoch and I try to go back to it lately and it's like I never played it at all.

Hell I keep making the same mistakes over in over in games I have been playing for like 20 years.

Something in me wishes I could just lie down and read all of Dostoyevsky in just one sit but that won't happen.

Hell game that look quite interesting like Factorio of Stardew Valley drain all energy out of me just watching the first video.

This OLD DOG is really really done with NEW TRICKS methinks.

So wherewithal shall an old man find his way to paraphrase the old psalm? :)

Which brings me back to the good ole book again somehow lol 

well that is another thing I have known for many many years

o well t'will do for now

I hate sites that don't let you paste photos :P

 

NOT EVEN DEATH CAN SAVE YOU FROM ME!

 

more of my worthless thoughts 

I spent most of my time since Sept 23rd playing Diablo 2 Resurrected
aka D2R.

(you can tell this blog has been dead for 2 months now) 

As an ageing mostly solo player I find it somewhat frustrating.

For one thing the game is definitely geared towards multiplayer
and towards a multiplayer style I object to.

For one thing I am too old, too tired, too slow to keep up with any crowd. 

All these top builds this so called S Tier is geared towards Single Element players who are utterly useless in the real game where one does not come across Bers galore everyday and where one depends on others for killing the stuff that he can't. 

Personally I called this LEECHING. It reminds me highly of all these zbuilds in D3 unable to kill anything by themselves but begging for games for XP doing nothing. 

You can replace the words  "anything" and "nothing" by "fuck all" if you wish.

The sorceress seems to be a highly favourite
and maybe it's only me
and I AM JUST TOO FUCKING OLD
but it doesn't work for me.

My AngeleQuiGele doesn't Gele/Freeze anything anymore since she had been respecced 3 times and is now a useless Fire/Lightning trying to max on this Eschuta I found.
She is stuck at hell ancients for now and can't pass that hurdle and can't be helped for now. 

I did manage to get her there and my Javazon only by clearing all the immunes with my Necro who is my best so far and doing well but slow at lvl 89.

I feel like I should buy another version of the game and get my old computer out for two reasons:

One: I am a HORRIBLE HOARDER and I got my maximum 20 characters now loaded with crap.

Two: I could play a 2 players game all by myself in other words:

Play with myself. ;) 

Not sure if that would work but it would be worth a try to sit my sorc in a corner and let my necro clear the ancient and most of the stuff.

Now for good news I think I got
my very first ever Obedience Cryptic Axe
and MY FIRST EVER HOTO (Heart of The Oak)
with my only Vex and a Pul I had to make out of 3 Lems
 and now I am out of Lems and Puls and I need a Pul for something I forgot???
the Sorceress Armor maybe? Or to upgrade my useless Javelins on my Javazon.

I don't see the day in this life time where I will ever get myself an Enigma
or an Infinity since I can't find a single Ber let alone three.

I  have been doing hell cows until the cows come home and I hardly get anything from that except maybe one white cryptic axe.

Anyway as I was saying earlier 

Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result.

I got a unique ring from NM Meph with 300+ % MF (Magic Finding) and you'd think it could be an SOJ but you'd be wrong just one more bloody useless Manald, not even a decent Nagelring.

Still awaiting my elusive Shako and Paladin Zakarum Shield and so many other things.

O well as I was telling my shrink these big companies hire the best of the best shrinks to keep y0u hooked in pain like good psychotic drug dealers. 

You get shite for days and days and are ready to quit and bada bing bada boom a half decent item to get you back in the cycle of hell.

Anyway it keeps me busy for now. I tried to go back to Last Epoch which I had played extensively the previous month and it's like I had never played the game before, I couldn't remember fuck all.

So here it goes Darkness and Oblivion and Merciless Universe! :P

NOT EVEN DEATH CAN SAVE YOU FROM ME! 

Diablo's famous last words.

Speaking of I just heard that Heath Ledger's last words were almost my fav last words joke paraphrased:

Famous last words: Trust me I know what I am doing

he said "Katie, Katie, I'll be fine."  I know what I am doing.

P.S. Last frustration is doing the same mistake over and over and over AGAIN,

i.e. I often try to get a waypoint before tea etc and sometimes I miss a few waypoints and go through 2 or 3 zones without one and 

YOU WOULD THINK
I would be SMART enough to throw a portal JUST IN CASE eh?
Well you'd be WRONG! :)

I die and I have to go back through these 2 or 3 zones NAKED while I could barely do it all dressed up and then I feel like banging my head against a brick wall absolutely disgusted by my own stupidity~ :)

3 R Words

And No they are not 

Reading

'Riting and 

'Rithmetic :) 

Words of today are:

Routine Resolve and Resilience

From Safety Bay Primary School site where I worked once:

These values support our school’s vision, goals and beliefs:

Respect;

Responsibility;

Resilience;

Reflection and

Relationships

Of all the R words the one that bothered me the most was

RESILIENCE

I am pretty sure my mother has finely ground, burnt, and eradicated any kind of resilience
there was in me.

When you live in a dream, hoping to be somewhere else when almost every minute is spent in fear of the next beating and berating you lose hope a little.

Anyway this week, this month rather we discovered 3 R words we didn't know we had:
Resilience, Resolve, and Routine.

So strangely enough things are going to plan and I am no more subject to "the wind" apparently.

I was telling Nabila about my plan to complete my goal for the next 3 weeks ( I see her every three weeks) last report was 10 days of walking and meditation and 10 days of gaming and I told her the next report should be 10 days of gaming and 10 days of walking and meditation and so far so good give a day or two.

Saturday July 24th to Thursday August 12th, 2021  

20 days

Nabila: Wed Aug 4th & Wed August 25

I am slightly surprised and puzzled at my new resolve but I like it.

Last night I slept 9 hours for the first time in 3 weeks.

My previous nights while gaming were more like 6 to 8 hours of sleep.

So here it is for now let's see how the story goes by Wed August 25th today being Friday August 13th.

If the legs hold up I should be good.

Made the mistake of wearing support socks today and almost didn't make it home. Both of my calves were killing me.

As any mother knows :) There is a fine line 

between supporting and smothering .

As soon as the socks came off I was ok though even though I had to take 'em off midway to here.

A little more on the past 20 days:

I usually spend about a week when a new season of Diablo 3 comes along.

I do all the journey chapters get the pet/prize/wings whatever it is and get bored.

This season there was 2 quests:

one is to get the pet of course 

and the other one was to gather all the ethereals in order to get all the transmogs.

Transmogrifications are different looks one can give to armour and weapons etc

Cosmetics they are called.

So I did all that and more

The past 2 seasons I had a goal to reach Paragon 3000 

(I am a bit OCD about round numbers lol)

but got tired of the grinding and gave up.

This season however I kept going until I got there.

And the word Resilience comes in where there was a moment 

when I did a stupid mistake and ruined something very valuable that took me a long time to get

Usually when this happens I am so disheartened by my stupidity that I quit

But not this time :) : Bit the Bullet, fixed it as best as I could and kept going.

(For the Diablo knowledgeable out there I salvaged a pair of Ancient Gloves part of a necessary set augmented at 105: a pretty retarded move by any standard.)

So resilience and resolve won and as PREDICTED I am off the race and back on the walk. 

So here it is let's see again how the story goes in 10 days.

My boring story or June /July 2021

 Thursday June 3rd Nabila and the famous mindfuck :P

As I was discussing things with my psychologist Nabila I mentioned I used to meditate before and kind of stopped and she said well won't you start again? And I said well you know me and the big D word we're not really good friends: D being Discipline.

And she said (knowing me a little) Why don't you think of it as ROUTINE then instead of DISCIPLINE.

You LIKE routine. And there we went from there.

Started Meditation on Friday June 4th and I barely missed a day ever since, 

(maybe one but I am not sure). 

If I don't start at my set time 4PM I do it before or after it doesn't matter but I get it done before tea time (6:30PM here)

And to this I gradually added Walking Meditation following instructions from my fav monk: Yuttadhammo Bhikkhu a "kid" from Ontario, my son's age.

Walking meditation went well for a few days just walking around the park at the end of the driveway and then just became walking.

Fast forward to around June 18th and I saw a video of a black guy telling a story and saying that day that he looked black more than ever with his do-rag and this timbs. Googling both I said Hey I GOT TIMBS:) Those walking boots I bought in England barely used.

 

So I started wearing those instead of my faithful New Balance 857 who had taken me for a gazillion steps in Montreal in 2018 and Arles in 2017.

Then I started noticing an infection on my left big toe which kept getting worse and worse and me being the space cadet that I am never put two and two together  but started taking antibiotics instead. Then this infection really flared up after my 5000 steps on July 3rd.

Things got worse and weather didn't help so my walking really diminished after that until I went to see my GP on Thursday and then an emergency meeting with my podiatrist on Friday  July 16th who just pulled the dead nail right out took one look at my boots and said here is your problem your left boot is too small. 

So now pain and infection free and one nail short I resumed my walking yesterday in that pouring rain just to go buy shoes.

So here I am back at the grind and trying to reestablish my walking and meditation routine.

Wednesday July 21st now and looking forward to my new routine.

Eventually it will add up to weight loss somewhere sometime :) but still in the meantime a better way to spend my time.

Next goal is to walk to the Indian Ocean It shouldn't be too difficult even if I HAVE to call for a ride back after.

857 to 624 

Now on the shoes well I have been an exclusive New Balance guy for donkeys years trying to always go up a number or two having been told but not verified that the higher the number the better shoe.

But this time I had to make an exception. As much as I LOVED my 857 and they have been very good to me for a million miles and many many years and I really wanted to repeat the experience but the $200 tag price was just a little more than I was ready to pay. 

So after much shopping and 4000 + steps I decided to opt for a pair of 624 for $70 which will have to do for now. 

They had a good run today at 7000 steps and I am looking forward to crank up the mileage on those in the near future. Usually my shoes only get a beating when I travel (i.e. Montreal and Arles) but now they will get their money's worth locally.

Meditashun Progris Riport

 I am a grammar Nazi except when it comes to Charlie Gordon and Flowers for Algernon! :) 

Well it's been almost 6 weeks now so I thought I'd lay down my thoughts about my "progris".

It all started on Thursday June 3rd when I was at Nabila's, my psychologist.  I did mention that I did some meditation in the past and she suggested I tried again to which I answer yeah but no but yeah but I am not very good at the D word: DISCIPLINE.

So the clever one answered, knowing me a little, why don't you think of it as a ROUTINE instead,
you LIKE routine. 

I swear the devil is a woman lol.

So here I am starting on
Friday June 4th and now
Saturday July 10th and I hardly missed a day IIRC,
maybe ONE but I forgot.

Oh yeah the deal with said psychologist was once a week.

It has been and still is a compelling provocative experience. 

(I had to hit the Thesaurus for a few synonyms for interesting lol)

Now one could really get completely lost researching the subject.

Wow there is a gazillion gurus out there and all of them better than the others. I was trying to find the middle way in the middle way.

Not too keen on the strong Buddhist approach as it irks my sceptical humanist atheist nature.
So I tried different approach especially one monk who I thought was a bit more balanced even though as much as I respect him I would not live his life for sure. 
Also Jon Kabat-Zinn is usually a safe bet as well and for some odd reason
I tend to stay away from Sam Harris, some sort of irrational dislike somehow and prolly not antisemitism lol as JKZ is alright in my book.

Speaking of I was pleased to hear my fav monk that they had been MANY holocausts.

So now what? I would like to think that it has already produced some benefits I think even though I suck at introspection but one example springs to  mind dealing with greed and aversion and likes and dislikes and what not. 

I was sitting in the car really annoyed by a really dirty windscreen and it always creates some tension when I ask for it to be cleaned so instead I put that under my dislikes and decided to observe my reaction instead of reacting to it.

between the two poles of expression and suppression

lies a third option - mere observation.

Otherwise I don't know life goes on I had added some walking meditations to this and then just some plain walking but I have been held down lately by an infected big toe and some lousy stormy weather. 

I DID do my 4 PM meditation though today my usual 30 mins even though I have had 40 and 45 mins too lately.

Still looking for the middle way in the middle way though :P

Oh yeah as I observe my thoughts and my mind my place of predilection seems to be the near future LOL

My mind always wander to what I will do right after my meditation and
I call my meditation a success when I don't react to all these urges LOL

I have been quite proud of myself too last few days for NOT looking at my timer or at the time another daily obsessi0n of mine to know what time it is and how long til this or that.

I just wait for my bell more or less patiently.

So here it is my last 40 days which I noticed also seem to keep me away from my blog???  

Correlation is NOT Causation or so they say.