Waiting for the end of the epilogue

 Dear Neglected Blog,

since most of the time I am only "talking" to "you".

A quadrillion things to say

A quadrillion things unsaid

A quadrillion things not worth saying

and not worth remembering.

It has been suggested lately that I had a really "interesting" life

(interesting is such an interesting word )

Well a fulfilled one and an adventurous one one might say.

Which reminds me of one of the many tests I passed in high school just before I dropped out.  This test was on interests and aptitudes in order for one to orient himself and discover himself I suppose... a work still in progress as U2 would say I still haven't found what I am looking for but it is interesting (here is that boring word again) that in 1969/1970 at the tender age of 14 I STILL remember that of all the interests I had ADVENTURE was the strongest one.

There was a chart with all sorts of interests and IIRC Maths and Science were fairly high maybe language also, the further to the right the star * was on this graph the more inclined you were and the star * for adventure was like kind of half  a star * because it was off the frame and almost off the page altogether on the far far right.

Well adventures I have had I might say thanks to many manic cycles in my sphere.

Some of them I described already here and here

It also has been suggested that I should write a biography

In reality the only biography we will ever have if is someone is patient enough to edit and organise my few biographical blogs.

While we were talking about writing anyone (if anyone ever has) who has read my blogs would know that I have an "interest" in writing a utopia/dystopia but the bar is mighty high on this one with giants such as Huxley and Orwell before me.

But again this will ending up biting me in the ass as they say reminding me of Kerouac's Eternal Words:

'My fault, my failure,

is not in the passions I have,

but in my lack of control of them. 

~ Jack Kerouac 

 

CONTROL as I have always said
along with Dr. Claire Lewicki
IS AN ILLUSION after all,
whatever they teach in the lessons on the Locus of control in psychology class: a concept just as old as me apparently.

let me repeat that 

                        CONTROL IS AN ILLUSION

Control is an illusion, you infantile egomaniac. Nobody knows what's gonna happen next: not on a freeway, not in an airplane, not inside our own bodies and certainly not on a racetrack with 40 other infantile egomaniacs.

 ~ Dr. Claire Lewicki

So here it is little energy I had is now spent.

Been playing my game mindlessly last couple of days and losing interest

(losing my mojo as I call it, a recurring happening like everything I do ... this too shall pass, some funny theory about the wind, the wind being this element that is not to be controlled)

and thinking 

I should go have a lie down and reconsider my life really LOL

or reconsider my epilogue anyway or as Sue sez my monologue

Over an out old tired curmudgeon waiting for the end of the epilogue.

Here we go again...

Triggered, outraged by some minor fact of modern semantics and it sends me thinking again.

What a bad nasty habit I have.

SMH over the pitiful state of this whole world
I can't help but wonder what would make it better,  

what would make it "PERFECT".

As I wrote many times we are utterly FUBAR engineering. 
We are but good for the scrapyard or the crematorium.

Despite all of our gods and heroes and saviours
we have never ever come close to an acceptable society.

To reluctantly quote an outdated book:

"all have sinned and fall short of the glory of god, 

god or Laplace's demon or a million other myths out there.

What kind of god would let this jungle continue for millions of years anyway?

Mysterious ways indeed or just one of our many defaulted coping mechanisms?

It is hard nah nearly impossible if not totally impossibur to even imagine a perfect world as we are so utterly limited and not engineered to do so.  To dream about it perhaps but to do it or come close to an acceptable solution? NOT in a trillion years.

What would that world even include?

Well certainly NO WARS it seems so obvious and also no poverty.

I was going to say no stupidity but here we are back at Harrison Bergeron again. The problem is way way beyond human intelligence as the best of the best have proven again and again to be utterly useless.

Vonnegut who was riling against intelligence in Harrison Bergeron's dystopia seems to underestimate the power of a moronic mob.

So-called intelligence here is useless as well as it seems to only skewered the deal. Many "intelligent" men have committed atrocities after atrocities.

I know I keep repeating myself over and over and it is not by raising the subject over and over that any of us will find a solution
but maybe just maybe 

a universal AWARENESS 

of our shortcomings would be a good first step in the right direction?

I would like to think that Huxley had a glimpse of it despite the controversy.
There will always be controversy.

People all point at China and their handling of information while the west gladly does the same thing and no one raises an eyebrow.

It reminds me of that meme.

Criticising the handling of religion while other countries are overwhelmed by it and their hands tied in political correctness Gordian knots. (France comes to mind here)

Try managin 1 billion people and tell me how well you would do?

Look at how we manage 300 million here?

Who is to say that China's Empire would be much worse than the American Empire or Fuck Forbid the British Epire and all their atrocities quickly forgotter and swept under the carpet.

White people do not have a white record.

So back to my Utopia? Like Axl Rose I ask: 

Where do we go now?

No war, No poverty. EQUALITY 

(which according to Peterson might be impossible, parietal distribution and what not)

and absolutely a UNIVERSAL FREE HEALTH  access for everyone.

It would seem to me also so primordial that religion would have no place at all in this "New World Order" as it has brought nothing but poison from powerless people usurpating a power that does not exist to control the masses.

So right here we have huge disagreement and the perfect image of the IMPOSSIBLE DREAM.

I really ought to reread BRAVE NEW  WORLD again.

Again I am back at a world of Eloi  without the Morlocks.

Why is it an absolute necessity that we MUST have Morlocks all the fucking time? 

I will never know.

Eloi were a bit like Harrison Bergeron's world without the government. 

As always GOVERNMENT is always part of the problem and

ANARCHY is not a solution either.

How would one separate the wealth equally and wisely?

Mind you in this "perfect world" the world of entertainment would suffer tremendously. HAPPY PEOPLE have no history and it is hard to write a show without a fucked up loser bent on self destruction apparently.  

A show where everyone keeps it in his pants or better has no qualms about pants sharing lol (again France comes into mind here)

The earth is big enough for all of us but our minds are so so tiny and petty that the earth might have to do without us soon.

And so be it I guess. Darwin's Natural Selection at its best.

What would your Utopia include now?

Like Tears in Rain

 

I see Arsene Lupin and childhood memories flood to mind.

Of course the name was know all over the French world including French Canada.

Now I may or I may not have read some or all,
I cannot remember.

I do remember visiting the local library often and coming back with the maximum amount of books allowed.

This is probably how I read all the Tintin available and all the Bob Morane moving on after to Doc Savage.  

This is probably also where I read at a very young age 

La vingtcinquieme heure de Georghiu et 

Le Livre des Secrets Trahis de Charroux

There was probably a time where I read all my allowed books and brought them back for more way before my allotted time
and there was ALSO a time where
"my eyes were bigger than my stomach"
and I took 10 out and
brought 10 back unread and probably late.

Anyway on this subject of memory now I do remember the scent of the library in Ahuntsic, where I lived for like a whole 4 years, an eternity considering we moved every year and in year 6  we moved twice and I went to 3 different schools.

I also remember the smell  in my best friend's basement. 

These 2 places were for me refuges and havens.

But the memories seems to fade deeper and deeper everyday now.

On the last day it won't matter at all because all memories fade after we are but dust in the wind but in the dusk of life here I just wonder how far will this memory loss go?

I know we are supposed to Carpe the Diem and all that Jazz and live in the moment and be present but what bugs me is that at times I don't seem to have many other choices even this living in the moment escapes me in some sort of dissociative daydream.

There are important events that are completely erased from my memory and some event I am not even aware ever happened.

I seem to be left with feelings rather than facts.

Brain MRI is normal and geriatrician is puzzled and still enquiring but there may not ever be an answer to all this.

Reading has almost become unthinkable and even watching an hour show is problematic as I lose the plot after more than 3 characters.  Playing chess also is challenging and other interests are fleeting.  I am reduced to make silly jigsaw puzzles on the computer and try to pick some under 100 pieces.

Like Charlie Gordon I used to be an tellijent I think no I know I remember acing calculus in my forties not a small feat.

I could hold my end at chess and bridge and always boasted of my 120 IQ (112 in another test but who wants to hear that?? )

Not sure where it all went wrong either or when.

I am certain many 65 year old are much sharper than I am.

Nothing to worry too much as I said after all like the Rolling Stones said:

It is the evening of the day

If I could keep two thoughts together I could  even write a decent blog now :)

I have done a million crazy things. I have been carried by wild winds of madness but all this seems to be a distant past now watched by a stranger.

Reminds me of a few poems by Nelligan at times.

Je fus de ces heureux d'alors, mais aujourd'hui,

Les pieds sur les chenets, le front terne d'ennui,

Moi qui me sens toujours l'amertume dans l'âme,

J'aperçois défiler, dans un album de flamme,

Ma jeunesse qui va, comme un soldat passant,

Au champ noir de la vie, arme au poing, toute en sang !

I was one of those lucky people then, but today,

Feet on andirons, brow dull with boredom,

I who always feel bitterness in my soul,

I see scrolling, in an album of flame,

My youth going, like a passing soldier,

In the black field of life, gun in hand, all in blood!

When I hear all these singers talking about 500 miles or 1000 miles from nowhere I think:  AMATEURS.

I have enough mileage in me to make it to the moon for sure

Unfortunately not enough to make it back though.

But all these memories will be all gone soon

Like... Tears in the Rain.

It's raining now

Speaking of dissociative daydream 

SHINE ON YOU CRAZY DIAMOND 

is playing now so I will go and cease that moment 

Daphne RAPED Simon

 

I watched many bloggers and youtubers and watch how they struggle to stay current and all that, like this Dr Grande trying really hard to stay current and stick his nose in everything and desperately seeking relevance and clicks.

So as a rule I try errr no I don't even try I DO stay away from all the ephemerous glory of a post.

I see a lot of chess players commenting on The Queen's Gambit because that is a guaranteed click these days (but for how long)

And YET HERE I AM lol doing the very same thing now as I was forming my own opinion on the latest popular NETFLIX's Bridgerton.

My "conclusion" and it may seem absurd to many is that

DAPHNE RAPED SIMON!!!

The boundaries and parameters were clearly well established by him and accepted.

It is not HIS fault that she was ignorant about the simple facts of life and the birds and the bees.

So No means No
and CONSENT was certainly not given.

In fact reverse the roles and everyone would cry rape.

The whole story is a bit cliche by now :
Jane Austen, Vanity Fair, Fairy Tales,
 and what not about the rich and their schemes and utter HYPOCRISY.

Anyway there it is for what it is worth.
Daphne was a spoiled brat.
Simon was noble.
Eloise was absolutely SUPERB
and way ahead of her time.

The queen was boring and petty
and Penelope well annoying and whiny as expected
and as for her being the SPOILERS ALERT mysterious one
well it is just another gigantic plot hole in the story.

Might rewatch the Queen's Gambit one day
but Bridgerton is on my list of show to quickly forget.

Voila I had more to say but this will suffice.

OK OK while I am here I thought the casting of Daphne must have been a huge act of nepotism if not a Weinstein promotion move. 
The character description is hugely inconsistent, the pouting the hysteria which made the last lines which were good lines seem to be just read with too much demand on the suspense of disbelief

At least it was not another rehash of WW 2 but yeah Jane Austen has been done to death let's move on

first little story of the year

there are many words in many languages that do not translate into one word in an another language

jig: appareil de montage
and I forget most of the others 

the word I am thinking of now is FRILEUX translated as sensitive to cold

well as a rule I am quite FRILEUX cranking up the heat in winter and always freezing.

Taking hot showers and what not but not this time.

With 40 degrees plus outside I realise I don't even have to turn the hot water on in the shower.

Only cold is good enough and not even too cold for this sensitive soul here LOL

It reminds me of when I stopped a Kuala Lumpur on my way here paid hotel by the airline 

Got there late only had a few hours to refresh and they turned the hot water on as I walked in

but I realised I didn't need it at all as the cold water was almost boiling...

got there at like 3AM. hopped on the shuttle  with entrance door on the left for the first time in my life

realised I had forgotten to take off my boots on a 30+ hours flight 

never slept that night as I was too nervous to miss my flight

anyway enough on funny things lost in translation

It's a sad story...

 ...when there is no one to tell it to.

Just to keep record the last 4 days have been manic and hectic.

A new season of Diablo usually gets me going
but this one is breaking all records already
and it is only 4 days old.

Usually at my solo slow pace I am happy when a 16 hours day produce a character lvl 70 and then maybe 70 to 100 Paragon points but this one started with 

285 Paragon on day 1 then proceeded to

650 on Day 2 

814 on Day 3 and

905 on Day 4 as we "speak" now.

Even put my name on the leaderboard many times quite a feat as a solo player.

When I got up this morning I had been wiped out of the top 1000 overnite. So I work my way back and hope it will still be on tomorrow.

I don't expect to keep this long the competition is much younger than me, 

Even found a new way to play my off season Demon Hunter and brought her up to a nice GR120 today.

Now my bete noire will be the dungeon set as everyone knows I am a pet maniac and the loops are pretty hard this season but I got good hope to do the bosses in 20 mins conquest with my new Speedy Gonzalez farmer.

Anyway I am shattered. Long hours, long days.

More fun tomorrow 

I have high hopes to raise many legendary gems at levels  never seen before and maybe to never be seen again.

There is nothing either good or bad

 

Protestants think Catholics are bad.

Catholics think Protestants are bad.

Sunni think Shiite are bad.

Shiite think Sunni are bad.

in each religion there is a gazillion of schisms and sects 

who ALL think their group is better.

Jews are the chosen

Goyim are bad.

It only spells one word and one word only:

HUBRIS.

Conscience is utterly useless.

Con- Science = WITH Knowledge. (Epistemology)

A Catholic thinks it is a sin to miss a mass and his conscience bothers him.

A Protestant thinks it is an abomination to go to a mass and his conscience bothers him.

You would think that murder should be a no no in all directions but change the word to sacrifice or holy war and all bets are off.

Lying is rampant and what is just as rampant is adultery and promiscuity and that among the most religious figures and all the high society. (Epstein comes to mind here)
Royalty also with their countless bastards all over the place: Hypocrisy in the highest places.

And it is not the promiscuity or the lying itself like Shakespeare said it is to pretend that these are bad while you bathe in it in secret.

If I had to choose a side on the Christian or the Muslim I would certainly choose Protestant or Sunni.  

To ascertain  that one human being can be infallible is nothing short of madness.

Anyway I wish I could ponder more on the subject of morality since it has been the source of contention and much blood poured throughout the centuries.

Here is another one too similar to the Catholics or Shiite, civilisations like the Khmers or Egyptians and many others who made their kings gods: 

(or rather their kings made themselves gods)

an idea with nothing with trouble and disappointments.

Look at al the wild "Morality"  wars going on in USA right now!!!

American Christianity is an absolute Circus: 

a diseased pool of greed and lies and delusions, Lies and Deceits.

Mind you the field is not clear when it comes to atheism, just as in many religions every one is an authority, a pope, a little napoleon.

Some of them being found out with their pants down as well just as in the rest of the world: Lawrence Krauss, David Silverman etc

France has some distinctive different rules for sure when it comes to keep it in your pants. :) 

Enough for now I will not solve the problem of this hypocritical world in a million years.