WHAT SHOULD BE IS A FANTASY

You don't unnerstand.

I coulda bin a contender

I coulda bin somebody 

instead of a bum.

Fields medal?  Yeah right.


I did love maths and
I was good at maths
but let's not get carried away now.

In my golden age of high school if there was ever such a time I was doing alright.

Back in the days where we had 3 different levels of class which would be so non politically correct these days

I was ALWAYS in the ENRICHI the "Enriched" the Top Tier.

(The two other levels IIRC were Regulier/ Regular and Allégé / Lightened)

Hell in Year 3 I was FIRST OF THE CLASS 9 times outa 10.

The fucker who broke my perfect streak was named Sylvain Dion.

We, little nerds, used to wear a shiny gold medal to tell all the others we were the best for that whole month, ALMOST whole year.

Just writing all this realising Priscilla will never read it.

And in maths I could fly right through the most complex algebra problems back in the time I suppose where I could still memorise a formula.

 In fact I was flying through so fast I was the lousiest teacher of my no-so-"enriched" peers.  

I was totally unable to explain step 2 and 4 since I flew right above those and my not-so-enriched peers needed step 2 and 4 to understand and succeed.

Surprisingly I still pride myself in the fact that I got an A- in Calculus in my early 40s.  

Those days of course are long gone and never to be repeated.

High School,or the part I did anyway,
was a roller coaster of heavy high emotions with lumps of rage and powerlessness in my throat over what I consider torture to this day.

The teachers and school staff of the time were unable to cope and prolly still are.

My last three quarters of year 10 were spent with more time in orientation and psychological tests than in class IIRC.

Anyway all this to say that all that above average IQ did not help much, au contraire.

My EQ,
if it is still a thing,
is what has been holding me down
all these years.

Would I have had the discipline and the stamina to become some semblance of a scientist if and if and if? 

Who the fuck knows? 

Since IFs are not exactly possible in real life.  

Life is not a video game where you can undo or start over or die a thousand times.

Prolly why I relate much to that Brando line
like many would I suppose.

There is no WHAT IFs in real life.  

Let me tell you the Truth. The Truth is what ISAnd what should be is a fantasy,A terrible terrible LIE that someone gave the people long ago  ~Lenny Bruce