Thursday, January 11, 2018



I always feel I make myself a little vulnerable when I do this shit but here it goes anyway.
Christmas? OK, New Year's? Boff, I slept though the 'dropping of the ball" Had a grandad nap from about 10PM to 1.

Now to the main dish.

On my birthday Dec 29th I noticed my PATCH was 3 days late.

For those who don't know and I might never have mentioned it I have been on Norspan 20 (Buprenorphine) patches for many years,

I don't remember when exactly and I intend to find out soon but I have old documents of medication list dated 2014 and 2015 and it could be even before that.  Way back then I had a back arm pain that kept me awake at night to run for painkillers every 4 hours. I was diagnosed with spondylitys and put on Norspan by Gino and Brad. ( I always call my doctors by their first names lol)

A few times over the years me being the space cadet that I am I forgot to change my patch for a day or two and I was painfully reminded by insomnia, stomach pains, high anxiety and arm pain as well: regular symptom of withdrawals I assume. (now I write the date on the patch the day I put it on with a Sharpie)

Now on my birthday (after being in pain for many days, just another boring story but for many years now again I get a major infection in my face due I presumed to a fucked up surgery way back then in Fremantle where someone went shit crazy with the carbolic acid after a cyst removal that had to be done twice)

All of this is related to my infamous Gorlin Syndrome which we will talk about again a little further down.) I sure hope I make some fucking sense cuz I have a hard time to follow my fucking story myself.

So where was I? O yeah December 29th 3 days late and no symptoms of witdrawals or extra pain (beside the one in my face) so I said to myself (wisely or not time will tell) so I said to myself Hey one drug less in your system wouldn't hurt you know.

Well well well there has been good days and bad days and hellish days,  Slept 16 hours or couldn't sleep at all, tossing around for hours in pain and insomnia, switching from bed to settee not to wake Sue up with my restlesness and one of the worst part almost a back breaking giving up experience is when I slept from 8am to 7 pm and hardly saw Sue at all.

 I feel better now well a little, still have probs with insomnia and stomach problems too.  I have had days where I didn't need any meds at all ( except form daily shit I take since heart surgery in 2005) and at other times well I need a moderate amount of Panadeine Forte and/or extra codeine and or Valium and even oxycodone sometimes and also Imodium.  I try very hard to be very reasonable with all those I am totally aware that an addiction to codeine that last only 4 hours would be far worse than my addiction to my  weekly patch,

So I hope all of this makes a little sense and explains where my head and body have been through for the past fortnight.

I also get extremely emotional and downright depressed ( I hardly touch my games anymore) and I wasn't feeling too well either on Monday when I went to Fiona Stanley for an exam for my next surgeries for my reoccurring BCC's.  I almost came out in tears and quite deflated because they mentioned the 2 DREADED WORDS AGAIN:  SKIN GRAFT.

I just finished suffering a month of hellish, burning pain and lack of sleep because of the last one and now they wanna do ANOTHER already.  Something big behind my other ear apparently. Seeing my dejection they said they were gonna do their best to avoid it but it might not be possible. I asked em to pick a donor side where I could sleep somehow but it is all complicated after all they don't want hair growing from the back of my year apparently LOL

So this is where I am at.  I am seeing my GP on the 18th and my 'shrink' on the 30th.  I intend to ask him for the 10 and 5 patches just in case it gets too much at least it would feel like half a victory if I can cut in half and not 2 weeks of utter pain and failure.

FSH (Fiona Stanley Hospital) will send me the usual letters for my next appointment Within a month they say.

P.S. In my self-diagnosis ( I often try to analyse biological factors) I was a bit surprised that my spondylitis seems to have gone and that triceps horrible pain does not seem to be a problem anymore.  No one will even know why I suppose but a lot of my health and body troubles seem to be related to that magic 100 kgs, And since I broke under the hunnerd again in my past trip to France well maybe the nerves have readjusted to less weight pressure who the fuck knows?

In the famous words of Dr Claire Lewicki / Nicole Kidman again
One of my top five quotations ever

Dr. Claire Lewicki: Control is an illusion, you infantile egomaniac. Nobody knows what's gonna happen next: not on a freeway, not in an airplane, not inside our own bodies and certainly not on a racetrack with 40 other infantile egomaniacs.

Sometimes I don't even know why I write all that since hardly anyone reads my blogs but it gives me a hard record anyway of facts and dates

P.P.S. I just checked with my pharmacist who would have better records than my doctor since my doctor archived all records when they moved to Safety Bay
Anyway First Norspan script ever was

December 6th, 2011

So 6 full years on that shit.

Wednesday, December 6, 2017

I can't keep track of each fallen robin.

I really like that line from Leonard Cohen's Chelsea Hotel

"I can't keep track of each fallen robin. "

Years ago I lost what I called my

"Christ Complex"

I cannot and I will not be the Saviour of the World.

Especially on the Internet now and on social media the circle has grown exponentially way way beyond Dunbar's number.

There are bleeding hearts and then there are bleeding hearts.

Sure you "bleed" and suffer for your family and for your bloodline up to a point. 

That would be the matter of a totally nother subject I may have cover previously regarding blood NOT being thicker than water.

i.e. a wrong is a wrong is a wrong no matter who does it

But when the 2nd cousin of a Facebook distant friend dies of cancer at 98 years old
am I gonna bawl my eyes out now? 
I think not.  

Or what is much more common these days too the grandmother of a minor constellation dying at 95 being a tragedy,

Some people do though and I don't know how they find the courage to live.

And now one as to establish the frontier of eyes bawling.

One extreme of course is your daily psychopath:
be he a CEO or a Game Developer or your average serial killer.

Those people cry for nothing.

Also a good note of this is apparently how one treats animals at a young age. 
I can imagine those Game Devs ripping the legs of a fly one by one and then its wings and then let it live.

But it seems to me that in order to survive though in this day and age of much much more information than our little brain can assimilate, one has to be a little callous now.

Then again there is that famous map I keep posting.

White people die boo hoo hoo
prayers and thoughts and flags and bullshit galore.

Hundreds of Egyptians die?
Who gives a flying fuck?

We are as a rule a bunch of hypocrites; a bunch of phonies as Salinger would point.

We includes yours truly here.

So anyway all this to say here that I still have to find a middle somewhere between complete psychopath and bubbling useless bawler.  

There is a fuckton of suffering in the world, 

fucktons and fucktons even 

and one should be aware of it to a point but one has to live and function and keep going somehow.

We're all gonna die and in 200 years from now none of this shit will matter but somehow it is difficult to find the proper answer to absurdism and nihilism in this crazy world.

One cannot raise the intelligence average level of this planet and the intelligence average level of this planet is very fucking low. 
100 might be an average IQ for a human but with many psychopath being Mensa and the amount of foaming at the mouth hatred and hysteria in this world our little 100 would be an absolute retard to be destroyed by a more advanced more "civilised" wiser and so much more intelligent civilisation.

Life is life is life and all life ends.

Be it the ant or the man, the mayfly or the lobster. 
All want to live by instinct
but no life has ever achieved immortality.

And ironically most lives on this planet are ended to provide for other life forms...

chicken, cows, pigs, fishes,

or humans in need of oil or other greedy acquirement.

Many humans literally killing their peers for the sole purpose of making a fuckton of money selling arms to the highest bidder. 

Civilised indeed we are.

As I have said many times before

the one who makes the trigger,
(the one who sells the trigger)
is as guilty as
the one who pulls it.

PTSD indeed Quelle Surprise.

Anyway Just another circumvoluted blog
that took a wrong turn at Albuquerque.

That's all Folks.

Thursday, November 30, 2017

Danger Danger Will Robinson

Is the world trying to be repulsive or am I getting old? LOL

I am getting to be such a curmudgeon in my old age I must say if not at the level of Ovi still quite a grumpy old man.

So-Called "News" site irritate me to no end.  

The bigger the site 
(the bigger the money some would say) 
the bigger the irritation.  

MSN seems to be better at it than Google though. 
Better at being WORST I mean :) 

More shallow more LCD than others. 
(Lowest Common Denominator) 

In fact they compete with the lowest yellow journalism site and programs for the LIMBO ROCK of News.


Modern trends of TV are nothing but older trends with a twist.  

This so-called extraordinary people show is nothing short of a Barnum and Baileys Freaks and Monsters show with a thin veneer of care and political correctness.

Step right up 25 cents to see the freaks of the world 

Come In Come All.

The one ad I find the most repulsive of them all is this 

New Housewives of Melbourne.

How far do you have to travel and how long do you have to search for such a horrible ensemble of shallow pasty phoney and downright ugly bunch?

(I can feel Holden Caulfield rolling in his grave LOL) 

Money does not buy class and beauty.

A Swine with ear rings and expensive jewelry is still a swine.

Add to this some petty fights over shallow nothingness, 
some drunken appalling behaviour you would not tolerate on your street 
and Voila the latest recipe for success apparently. 

Well if this is success I certainly wanna be an utter failure.

Ugliness personified and all the make up in the world cannot hide that.

The worst of it I suppose is all that phoniness all those lies and devious deceptions presented as truth  and spontaneous reality when all of it is edited rigged and scripted.

Sue was very disappointed to find out Mystery Diners was a fake. LOL

The bad acting was so obvious and the fake outrage (besides the dumb as fuck management) and more importantly the arrogance and holier than thou attitude of the culprits caught red-handed.

Some Nerds are horrified at all the wrong things going on in historical movies.

I am horrified at how much suspense of disbelief I have to put in over some afghan dog looking man trying to pretend to be intelligent OR being an expert in every fucking field possible BESIDES also being as good looking as fuck and all for the women at least that in high heels sometimes.

Sue always points that English people are allowed to be ugly on TV LOL

Americans set low standards for all the Western World and every national media worships everything and anything that comes out of USA.

Why would my local news be concerned with the death of some US minor celebrity's grandma FFS?

I find it very hard in this over abundance of information to find something worth following.  

I think they forgot to provide us with the SOMA when they decided to go with the Brave New World formula instead of the Orwellian system.

Divide and Conquer the old Roman Stategy seems to work as well today as way back then.  When you have millions of factions discussing petty nothing and nonsense then you can go on and do whatever you want no one is gonna disturb you. 

Many money makers being arms makers as well 
( quelle coincidence) 
are happy to support any petty nonsense to keep the peasants occupied.  

There is big and I mean BIG money in arm making and in Media.  

Funnily enough the media would not report every arm deal that goes in the world now that would be counterproductive.

Anyway every generation like Mike says blames the one before 

and our old generation of  Lost in Space and early Star trek was not better fed by the boob tube for sure but the circus is getting more and more unpalatable to me in general.

Of course there are a few rare exceptions I would say.

True Detective Season 1 comes to mind and Fargo 1 and 2. Westworld also.

AND AND AND the greatest mind and absolute prophet of our 21st Century:

Charlie Booker and his BLACK MIRROR.

Long Live the King

P.S. Seeeeeee? British again NOT AMERICAN :P 

Mind you Nic Pizzolato IS an American genius

Tuesday, November 28, 2017

News are shite Comments are shiter!

Comment: I would love too but I'm struggling myself

Comment: I bet she’s not doing the packing in her high heels and tight dress. Shame on you Foodbank WA for sexualising something as honest as donating to charity 😡

Me: I would love to too :P Give me two.

Me: It's not like she is a bimbo in a bikini with silicon tits now FFS.  Get a grip. Have another drink.

Anyway I finally got rid of this horrible horrible MSN default page now on Microsoft Edge.
My Chrome is acting up lately on FB and I have to use Edge sometimes and I don't mind but that default page was about to throw me over the edge.

What the Media calls news is just more and more sickening.

Tragedy for so and so Star (or minor constellations as Sue calls 'em)

His 95 year old mother died boo hoo hoo. Well for one thing she was 95 fucking years old that is not a tragedy it is a good long life and newsbreak here we all die. 

Number 2: I am sad to tell you that non stars ALSO have tragedies and mothers and loved one dying and it doesn't make the fucking news.

I made the mistake of looking a Tv Channel news page just to look closely at a kick ass burger picture and I found myself reading as if it was my facebook page and got more and more depressed til I realised I was on the news channel page still.

What are they doing? Peddling their shite to the lowest common denominator here? They better get a bigger shovel and dig deeper.  What they call "NEWS" is so not news like MSN lately running out of shit to say and filling dead air with shite about Brittany what's her name fucking YEARS ago and quelle surprise "we" STILL don't know what happened?

 I mean REALLY?
And this horror is why you  became a so-called "journalist" for?

Get a REAL JOB FFS or even better just become a homeless hobo.

Clickbait should be the real thing. Once the sucker bites you yank him out of the water and watch it writhe to death slowly.  Natural Selection, the Circle of Life...

I'd prolly be dead as well lol but fair is fair

Hard to find somewhere uplifting to go in this WORLD WILD WEB.


 Fun for the spider not so funny for the fly though.

And with the Ajit Ijut trying to funnel the death trap even tighter not funny at all.

Oh yeah speaking of sexualising and news wave and fads.  Now I do agree that Fat Rich Scums who clearly abuse their powers should face the truth.  Weinstein is beyond any doubt despicable and repulsive.  But in this new trend of coming out though I am afraid some poor innocent smuck will have his life ruined forever by some malevolent woman who was who know maybe jilted or rejected years ago OR even simpler is in dire need of attention no matter the cost.  Truth is truth and Lie is Lie. Period. Very hard to differentiate at times.

And the motives of the heart well they are devious above all things at times.

I wonder if we will have a true lie detector one day to the point where it will become ingrained deep inside us to always tell the truth, especially to ourselves.

I mean Animals practice deception too so on this point we are but an animal too and lies have been around as long as stories have been told.

All these loose thoughts going nowhere as usual preserved for the mo in the amber of cyberspace.

I could write to you about my games but I have hardly played at all in weeks trying to survive this ordeal of pain here ... had a bad spell yesterday ... went through the ceiling in  pain at a cold turkey 'debriding" of my donor spot on my neck

so bad actually we had to stop and we are trying again tomorrow where I will come prepared actually with enough Oxycodone to feel "Comfortably Numb" during the 'procedure' if possible as per arranged with all parties concerned.


Who doesn't?

(you tattoeed persons out there are sick fucks LOL)

Ciao for Now

there is no pain you are receding...

Monday, November 20, 2017

write write write right right

I hope Rachel is not related to Cherie now.
“If you write what you yourself sincerely think and feel and are interested in… you will interest other people.”  
~ Rachel Carter

Well what I know what I have known...

What I've felt
What I've known
Never shined through in what I've shown
Never free
Never me
So I dub thee unforgiven

Side tracked again Anyway 

here is a short condensation of my past week or so.
With surgeries piling on one after another it is beginning to take its toll I guess. I just have had what could be considered the worst week of 2017 maybe? 

Always something new and always a first even at 61 almost 62 but I could have done easily without this double skin graft on my head recently.  

Bad enough I was still suffering and still healing from a huge cut on my forehead just a couple of weeks ago ( I might check the dates later) Hell my elbow still hurts like hell at times from my old double somersault back in June.

Anyway just to say that I was reminded of Ani DiFranco's lyrics:

It's the little things that kill.

or her exact words: this little war is what kills us

The old story I heard somewhere of the Chinese Torture 
(tried on MythsBusters IIRC , Kari Byron was not a happy camper) 
a single drop of water dropping on your forehead 


This little pain here, this little pain there, this constant reminder, the lack of sleep caused by it and add enough of it and it's enough to have enough at one point.

I seem more concerned now about escaping reality than occupying my remaining time.

Anyway stiched dressings is my idea of hell and/or Chinese torture at 2 places also to make sure there was not a single comfortable position to sleep.

O well I survived I guess and the much anticipated day has arrived and AT LAST the dreaded stitched dressings are gone.  But what a long week it was though.

I realise of course many people all over the world are into so much more misery but somehow it doesn't help my misery at all even after watching the Queen of Katwe and see how miserable life was in the slums of Uganda bad I did not even mind this poor soul peddling his delusions really ... his Christianity at least was real and certainly not the American ugly style.  

I had had this/his opportunity in the past but now I seem to have lost it and don't have the stamina to chase it again: those chess sets at Safety Bay Primary might just have to rot without me. 

 It was hell on wheels of red tape and what not to try to take a few kids to Applecross forget Russia now.

Anyway as a result of a consequence or a normal progression of chronic depression I guess I seem to have lost all interests in my game despite a short return to Diablo recently and a new coming expansion on Path of Exile.

The little things again I find the "death penalties" too disheartening on POE where I can't seem to reach level 90 no matter what.  It certainly IS possible and thousands have done it but as a noob I suck, I play too long, too tired, and get into a couple of stupid deaths that throw me hours back.

Prolly just need a rest til the new expansion comes and then take it one day at a time but as I was telling the admins there it seems to overestimate my rapidly declining Charlie Gordon Intelligence here as the game is getting more and more complex and I can only follow the instructions of a brilliant YOUNG engineer blindly without really understanding what the fuck I am doing and/or why did I die there? 

Any hoot here is my 'letter' to them now

a drop in the ocean
I don't mind my kills being a drop in the ocean 
What I DO mind though
is my ocean being emptied by the fucking bucket load every time I died
Diablo got rid of this clusterfuck YEARS ago 
Why be so far behind in time?
What is next? Losing all your shit and try to get it back naked when you could not survive full armoured? Really?
That is the biggest disheartening fact that might keep me away from POE and move on to GD to see if they got their shit together
After waiting all day for the power to come back here after electrical work being done in the neighbourhood I started at 70% to end up at 53% after a couple of hours and a loss of the will to live  
Back to D3 for a while where a death only costs me a few coins ... Fuck I d rather lose a Chaos Orb rather than exp
ALSO while I am here I feel GGG is overestimating the IQ of the general audience.
The game is already quite complicated and is getting more and more complex where the average Joe will just have to blindly follow the kind advice of a brilliant engineer instead of making any sense of it.
I used to be intelligent like Charlie Gordon in Flowers for Algernon but I have no idea how a mind can follow the HUGE information overload: 10 to 15 unknown squares at the top of the screen some of them being there for a couple of seconds only plus reading all the monsters abilities while trying to survive too seems a bit much for me.
O well my opinion too is just that A DROP IN THE OCEAN so here it goes

and their kind answer

Hey there,
Thank you for contacting support.
I'm sorry to hear that you feel this way. I will be sure to pass your feedback onto the appropriate team members for consideration.
Please feel free to contact us again if you have any further feedback or suggestions, we really appreciate hearing thoughts from the community.
Kind regards,

I had a few other notes I wanted to mention and again my failing memory is errrr failing me again

One of them was that it would be nice QOL (Quality of Life) to add on again another Diablo copy where you pick one you pick them all.  All this one by one picking is really tedious especially in the BeachHead end map.

Otherwise it is a great game I just wish I would have picked it up 20 years ago when I had some brains left

That is also another part of the little war that kills to see the constant decline of faculties I always empathized much with Charlie Gordon and almost understood him, even if he was a fictional character.  Daniel Keyes ' masterpiece Flowers for Algernon should be a must read for anyone and especially for someone who is working with Alzheimer's and Dementia patients who I guess don't play video games either anymore.

Thursday, November 2, 2017

Quick thoughts on Path of Exile

2 months gone

Here we are been back for 2 months and what have I done?
(The following might be Greek or Chinese to any non POE player)

Well errr most of my conscious time I would have to say has been spent on this new game / addiction of mine.

It took me a while to join the POE crowd but now I am in...well sort of.

I thought I was going to give up for a while as there is so much for my ageing declining Alzheimer's brain to grasp and retain,

But then a decent guide came on and I persevered.

Thanks to Brian from EngineeringEternity.

I am still struggling with much and have done so many stupid mistakes and still do but I am progressing slowly, breaking a new record every day,

My last record was NOT to die to the last boss of Act 10, a feat I had not succeeded at previously.

I spend crazy mad hours in this game and after 2 months of it I am no better than some 'kid' who would have played it for a week but I am moving along slowly learning every day.

I have managed a few 'titles' and I am proud of that too.

I call ascendancies titles :) 

I have a level 88 Berserker who even though was struggling for a while is doing better now. I have invested much in him, including 2 divine vessels and he might get somewhere one day. He is for the mo my daily mission hero and also my beachhead map killer.  

He is the finder of my whole 2 (TWO) Exalted (make that 3 with all the shards I got in BeachHead. 

Exalted seem to be much related to Zana so far,
by the way she should turn level 7 tomorrow.  

Elreon is my only level 8 so far soon to be followed by Haku.

Vorici is an asshole with all his rules don't kill this don't kill that etc  I am not in the leaving alive business.  

Speaking of Vorici I might need him at 8 soon to fix one of my most horrible mistake. 
Remind me to tell you my Tabula Rasa story one day.

What I find so out-of-reach is one of those 6 links armour that either cost 500 chaos ( I barely manage to gather and keep 200)

My biggest expense was a cheap Dying Sun at 80 chaos.

It's either 500 chaos or way more fusing that I can afford and never come close to owning such an amount.

Mind you spreading myself thin with many 5 linked comes expensively as well.

Nest is my level 87 Necromancer who for a while was my best.  Good for some maps like the one where I could not leech where my Berserker and my Juggernaut would not do well at all.

Speaking of Juggernaut he is my latest obsession now at level 75 soon to be wearing that belt at 78 if I can fix my incredible intelligence problem :P 

Another thing I am utterly slow at learning is proper crafting and it should not be hard on this character since he's only got two slots to fix all the rest is predetermined. 

I gotta craft or find somehow some incredible helm and boots with INTELLIGENCE galore AND loads of life AND loads of resist preferably Fire. And oh yeah some movement speed is primordial too my Necro is killing me with slowliness and my Juggernaut speed had to be fixed at all costs.

I have no idea really what each machine does and even when I get my masters to level 8 I certainly don't have the Ex required for fancy crafting.

Anyway more to come on Path of Exile soon they say write about what you know well too bad for that rule now but it certainly what I DO anyway even though badly.

There were more thoughts I wanted to share about my past 2 months but they will have to wait as the sun is about to rise soon, a common happening in this vampire house so off to my coffin for now with more later. 


Tuesday, August 29, 2017

pre post not erous

August 29th last day in Arles after a long month of trials and tribulations LOL good food good cheese and good wine.

The plans of mice and men have gone somewhat awry but then again not making plans is our awry style.

 “The best laid schemes o' mice an' men /
 Gang aft a-gley.”

Not sure how to feel at the mo, too early to tell

Underwhelmed? Overwhelmed? or even whelmed at all? 😇

Something will hit hard when I get home if I am to go by previous experiences.  
My post-travelling depression is usually quite abysmal.

Wherever you go there you are! 
So there I will be.

Fortunate to travel? 
But then again HOME SWEET HOME 
is always a good place to go back to.

Every time I travel I have a feeling it is the last time ever. 
Financially and physically and emotionally.

Good to see different places and people and there are many ways to travel but I am often reminded of Paul Kelly's song though:

Every Fucking City is the same.

So anyway we did Paris and 
we will always have Arles Darl 
but memories are a fleeting thing and just seem to "fleet" at light speed lately.

Expensive memories but we don't take either when we die anyway: 
the money or the memories.

More coming soon I suppose, as always this is not your typical travelling blog more like a temporary stream of consciousness.  Temporary here being a redundancy.

It was mostly fun while it lasted: 5 long months of expectations and 1 month of "living it up"

Most back burner projects went off the fucking stove as they usually do but I am fairly satisfied with the way it went despite some drawbacks and a comedy of error and all.

What we ended up doing as far as outgoing trips are:

Abbaye de Montmajour

St-Remy ( in a tight race for return bus)
and Avignon after almost giving up on it after a few strikes out:
Miscommunication galore inside and out.
That Arelate festival interfered with our shuttle bus hours and it took us days to realise it.

Then also my mini depression when we faced the closed doors of les Halles as I had planned this for 5 months.

But altogether it was alright with the cute little touch of calling my mum as I was standing on the Pont D'Avignon so she would have something to proudly share with the old folks at the residence.

Today is the last day and with the tiredness and the heat my last mouse plan will prolly go awry too but I don't care.  I was kinda missing that Pont Langlois on my Van Gogh trail but it is not the same bridge and not even at the same place.

As a matter of fact nothing is the same since over 100 years have passed since Vincent but I tried to appreciate the light as much as I could me not being a real artist and all.

But anyway enough rambling for now here is my shortstop stream of semi consciousness for now.