Quand j'avais 12 ans...

J'ai suivi les années avec mes années d'école
61-62 1ère
62-63 2ème
...

67-68 7ième etc

Je me souviens vaguement de mes enseignants/enseignantes de 1ère
 et 2ème
mais je n'oublierai jamais celle de ma 3ème année:
LOUISE DANSEREAU

Premier toute l'année sauf une fois

(Sylvain Dion je ne t'oublierai / pardonnerai jamais)

Dans ce temps la on avait des rangs et on était premier ou dernier.

Le premier portait fièrement une médaille d'or pour tout le mois.

Mademoiselle Dansereau quelquefois enlevait ou changeait ses verres de contact et ça me fascinait.

J'étais surement son chouchou HAHAHA
The Teacher's Pet

M'enfin sautons en 7ième ou un monsieur St-Onge
(même nom que ma mère)
a vainement essayé de me sauver.

J'adorais lire et ils parlaient de livres qu'il avait beaucoup aimé.

Moi ayant déja tout lu en ce temps
tous les Tintin, tous les Astérix, tous les Bob Morane.
et tous les Doc Savage,
j'étais curieux d'en savoir plus.

Alors quand j'ai couru les librairies et les bibliothèques pour me procurer Le Livre des Secrets Trahis de Charroux
et O scandale
La 25 ième heure de Gheorghiu
les libraires me regardaient avec des yeux bizarres.

- TOI? Tu lis ça????

Faut dire aussi qu'un peu avant je crois il y avait un livre qui trainait chez nous pendant longtemps pour des raisons que j'ignore:
Philosophie dans le Boudoir

Eh mais j'aime bien la philo moi! :)

Il faut dire que ça m'a MARQUÉ un peu~! :P

Le marquis de Sade a 11, 12 ans ça laisse des traces.

Maintenant helas je ne lis plus, j'aimerais bien mais je ne peux plus.

Le Vaisseau d'Or a coulé! :(

one more exercise in futility

Writing or Playing?

Same exercise in futility I guess.

And an extreme futility would prolly be to write my autobiography.

I was gonna write what I thought to be a redundancy by saying

Writing my Own Autobiography but I suppose many autobiographies are not one's own with ghost writers and not mentioning twisted deformed memories and also the automatic lies of rose coloured glasses when it comes to self inspection

My "prison years" as I have just mentioned on Facebook should maybe get expanded one day I suppose.

Especially the

12 october 1976 to June 10 1988

Dates I still remember even though I struggle a little on the first.

They have been somewhat covered somewhere I am quite sure things starting on august 12 1976 and ending up in a life sentence on 12 october 1976.

I call them prison years because as a cult we were much isolated from the real world watching and listening ONLY to what Francis Cormier would decide or want to watch. 

4 of them years being isolated in a desolated frozen ghost town.

And there was ALSO the strange comeback now I would have to look at my reminder to quote the dates.

recorded as such

March 1989 33 First time to see the kids in 9 months (9, 7, 5)
24-08-89 33 Dad passed away
June 1990 34 Second Entry in the cult
June 1991 35 End of one year “probation”
14-03-1992 36 Second Departure from the cult (Kids 12, 10, 8)
25-12-1993 37 First time to see the kids in One Year and 9 Months (14, 11, 10)
Jan to June 1994 6 months of silence treatment ( 15,12,10)
So June 1990 to 14 march 1992 ALSO

I should try to recall the years of "recovery" too one day I guess
i.e. March 1992 to Sept 2001

Anyway in all but a short time it will be all dust in the wind and absolute nothingness much like everything else

NUMBERS again

The question of "how many people have ever lived?" or "what percentage of people who have ever lived are alive today" can be traced to the 1970s.[9] The more dramatic phrasing of "the living outnumber the dead" also dates to the 1970s, a time of population explosion and growing fears of human overpopulation in the wake of decolonization and before the adoption of China's one-child policy. The claim that "the living outnumber the dead" was never accurate (although it may be roughly accurate if only ancestral population is considered). Arthur C. Clarke in 2001: A Space Odyssey (1968) has the claim that "Behind every man now alive stand 30 ghosts, for that is the ratio by which the dead outnumber the living", which was roughly accurate at the time of writing.[10]
Recent estimates of the "total number of people who have ever lived" are in the order of 100 billion.[11] The answer naturally depends on the definition of "people", i.e. is only Homo sapiens to be counted, or all of genus Homo, but due to the small population sizes in the Lower Paleolithic, the order of magnitude of the estimate is not affected by the choice of cut-off date substantially more than by the uncertainty of estimates throughout the Neolithic to Iron Age.[12] The estimate is more crucially affected by the estimate of infant mortalities vs. stillborn infants, due to the very high infant mortality throughout the pre-modern period. An estimate on the "total number of people who have ever lived" as of 1995 was calculated by Haub (1995) at "about 105 billion births since the dawn of the human race" with a cut-off date at 50,000 BC (beginning of the Upper Paleolithic), and an inclusion of a high infant mortality rate throughout pre-modern history.[13]

3,562,313,822 1968 times 30 = 106,869,414,660‬
Arthur C. Clarke wasn't that far off.

I am one in 100 billion

To put this in perspective I just reach 2 billion seconds
at 63 and 4 months
1 billion seconds =
31.7097919838

times 100 =

so roughly it would take you 3171 years to count to 100 billion

with a count of 7,759,856,000 according to worldometer we have now nearly 8% of all the humans that ever lived

January is not even finished and nearly 4 million have died
and 9.5 million have been born.

Sometimes I worry about my level on the autism spectrum LOL
I jokingly say I have Asperger when I pull a Rainman tantrum when things don't go as expected.
160,000 a day

160,000 PEOPLE DIE EVERY SINGLE DAY
How many made the news?

86,400‬ seconds in a day so we are very close to 2 deaths every single second.

As the myth goes:

During a U2 concert in Glasgow, Scotland, Bono asked the audience for total quiet.
Then in the silence, he started to slowly clap his hands. Once every few seconds. Holding the audience in total silence, he said into the microphone "Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies."
From the front of the crowd, a broad Scottish accent pierced the quiet: "Well fuckin' stop doin' it then ya evil bastard!"

So here we go again got distracted, sidetracked, and diverged again
 too many side quests in this game of life. :P

My writing like my photo taking is in much need of strong edition but life is NOT edited so I do prefer my "stream of consciousness" if we can call what I do consciousness.

All this to say I missed much of the 80's and the 90's were a rough road of recovery and too soon all this might all even be forgotten even before my death. It sure is all totally irrelevant in the big picture as I said often.

Our conception of time is slow and warped but give it a few million or billion years at most and ALL of our memories will be star dust

...too be continued











Doc

No such thing as a new beginning

A man lies and dreams of green fields and riversBut awakes to a morning with no reason for wakingHe’s haunted by the memory of a lost paradiseIn his youth or a dream, he can’t be preciseHe’s chained forever to a world that’s departedIt’s not enough, it’s not enough

When I was a child, I caught a fleeting glimpseOut of the corner of my eyeI turned to look, but it was goneI cannot put my finger on it nowThe child is grown, the dream is gone

Pink Floyd and many other
philosophers and poets I guess
Got the Gist.

We were given a brain to dream of better things
(well some of us were anyway)
but that's all we can do: DREAM

We can imagine a paradise a nirvana a Valhalla 
THE GREATEST UTOPIA EVER DREAMT
but we can't live it.

In fact our worst nightmares are made of just that
Dreaming of a perfect balloon
and waking up to a sad reality
just to have it busted.

And we are left like a child crying for that balloon full of hot air.

We feel like one song says like a 12 year boy whose bike has just been stolen.

I don't suppose any apes or any other life forms dream of a better life now do they?  

The Pandora gift of Consciousness
 is our personal curse.

Maybe Rusty Cohle was right and Consciousness is an evolutionary MISTAKE.

We can dream it, write it in books, imagine it BUT
WE CAN'T LIVE IT.
We don't have what it takes 
to MAKE it 
just enough barely 
to THINK it.

One could ask why til one gets blue in the face but I cannot agree with Camus here that we MUST imagine Sisyphus  HAPPY?

Are you out of your fucking mind?

Might as well imagine the donkey at the stone wheel happy too while we're at it.

Sorrow switched to Marooned now and the feeling is amplified.

Marooned in Hell or Purgatory or Limbo
or whatever other mythical world
was thought of
but certainly not in this perfect place
which we will never attained.

Funny thing is one of the reason this perfect place will never be attained is that it is an INDIVIDUAL perfect place.

You see your perfect place is not my perfect place and there are

7,758,286,500 perfect places on this planet.

Mind you it is a bit of an imagination since one does not begin really to HAVE a perfect place at birth it comes more with the territory of consciousness and memories.

And moreover and more importantly my perfect place of today
is not the same as my perfect place of yesterday and so on

Hell it could change again in 5 minutes

so it is hard to pinpoint as Ani says.

Yes they're buying and sellingOff shares of airAnd you know it's all around youBut it's hard to point and say "there"So you just sit on your handsAnd quietly contemplate

I don't suppose Utopias are written either
by 64 year old tired and depressed ancient?

The Bliss can only be produced artificially
AND temporarily.

So here it goes for my first blog of 2020
SSDD or SSDY rather.
or SSDD still Same Shit Different Decade. 

There must be a reason why Comfortably Numb is one of my favourite song.

Speaking of I had an interesting experience last year while having lunch with a mate of mine.

I was really enjoying myself maybe a bit too much even and I really enjoyed the music but it took me FAR TOO LONG to realise that it was "Comfortably Numb" that was playing and it scared me shitless.

Hell if I get to the point where I don't recognise my fav music of all time
somebody better pull the fucking plug

When the Music is Over
You can Turn Out the Light.

Shine on Me Crazy Diamond


P.S. There is no such thing as a new beginning.