Saturday, March 22, 2014

Room 101

What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know and I don’t care.
Flight what number again from Malaysian Airlines?
Crimea River?
Animal Rights?
Local amusement at the expenses of bad cooks or dancers?
General daily Media Circus?
And that is only today’s announcements.
Tomorrow is a completely nother ball game.

Add this to my little personal announcements which are just irrelevant as well.
Yesterday should have been a feeling of elation and victory but it wasn’t.
For one thing the whole battle again ,
( one would think I should learn from that right?)
The whole battle again was only in my mind.
I worried myself sick over what I considered my Room 101.

the sad part in this young society is that I have to EXPLAIN this expression to most and it loses all its power and beauty when you have to explain it, what is the point of having metaphors when the intended recipient is clueless ?
Like saying Life or a task or a job is Sisyphean... beautiful concise words that say a whole story in very few letters of course they are folklore and mythology and so is Hell but we used the word often to express a sentiment

Now my Room 101 which I foolishly even compared to the big C news was nothing at all despite the slight chest pain I felt during the ordeal.

(on a sidenote in fact it was very similar if not shorter to my heart surgery in 2005, where the stress and the fear and the worries are so much worse than the ordeal itself, but we do it all the time don’t we? 

Destroy today for the fear of tomorrow?)

To explain myself more properly I suppose I should go into details.
I always thought my worst fear was two little words:
Centrelink Review
Translated in other countries I suppose (especially countries with social networks) as Welfare Review or ODSP review in Ontario or Dole whatever somewhere else basically a revision of a pension one is getting and depending on for LIVING.

And it came right as we also settle in what we have been waiting for for 7 years now, a nice affordable Housing Accommodation again called different things in different countries with a social net.

So now I should feel relaxed, peaceful, satisfied, totally Zen one would think but no.

And that is the trap of depression I suppose:
Nothing at all rejoices me. No new toys, no new apartment, no new things, not even the possibility of a nice cruise next year.  Everything leaves flat and deflated and always reminds me of Ani DiFranco’s words:

the sky is grey, the sand is grey, and the ocean is grey.
I feel right at
home in this stunning monochrome, alone in my way.
What kind of paradise am i looking for?
I’ve got everything I want and still I want more.
Maybe some tiny shiny key will wash up on the shore.

But the thing is I never ever even go to the fucking shore which is really close to here.
May it be the physical or the metaphorical shore I can’t be fucked to go there even.
One would think I should take anti-depressants for that no? But nah, just dragging my fattening ass along for the humdrum of the day trying to survive one more is all I do really.  The drugs I’d like anyway would be a bigger form of escape with Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds type I suppose.
So a little bit of music and some humdrum of the least annoying TV series I can watch to keep my mind busy and the usual routine of dragging my ass all day trying to REMEMBER my routine and not miss a step or even worse double one.

So at this point there is no utopia to come in my mind, no nothing, just waiting for the wind to change again but the wind just doesn’t change much lately. I can’t remember my least manic episode lately as if they were a distant past of someone I used to know. And I do miss ‘em. In fact I wouldn’t mind another crisis like I had so many years ago where I went ballistic and made Michelle Bridges look like a paraplegic.  It would certainly improve my declining diabetic freefall these days but nah I am tied to this chair with invisible chains with only the best intentions as always on this road to hell. 

Fuck I wish there was a pill for that and a pill for reading too since I haven’t read in days (as in reading books) but there is no pills for me, no healing, no therapy, no solution,
ONLY waiting for the WIND to change,
ALWAYS waiting for the WIND to change
and I can hear all them phonies and Anthony Robbins wannabes screaming at me and once again I CBF.

Still waiting for my verse to day... one day....

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