Sunday, July 2, 2017

And so it goes...

Unedited and Raw as per Usual 

Thing is I believe that shit for so so long ‘tis sad. 
In hind sight well it seems just so errrr…


Some people say we are born atheists and I certainly get the point now.

I have been every thing and every colour of Christianity.

Born Catholic,

A zealous altar boy getting up at dark to go to mass daily and early to give me time to tie them 100 buttons on that long black robe at 6 years old or so.

A lapse Catholic as most of my generation, drunk and stone.
Then on August 12, 1976 after a short stay in a detox centre where I stayed one month of the required three and a very traumatic group therapy experience besides having nurse Ratched as my personal ‘psychologist”:

Monique Gravel still remember her name.

I met this young 14 year old “evangelist” and my world was turned upside down for years.

After hell broke loose over the past two months I jumped out of the frying pan straight into the fire of hell for all my best years to come.
2 months described here partly in my old blog

*Almost forgot this one How could I? 1976! Just out of detox centre. 10 PM or so, bored, listening to Supertramp nagging me to death.DREAAAAAAAMER you’re NOTHING but a DREEEEAAAAAMER...
Piss off Supertramp I’ll show you. Grab a pair of underwear and a t shirt in a very tiny Cojana plastic bag. Bus to the end of town and head to visit this “friend” I barely know 750 miles east. (Gaspe again)
Make it there after a long horrible trip knock at the door only to find out he’s gone to the North Coast. Don’t know his parents well enough so only one solution head back. I thought the trip was bad on my way down but coming back was life altering. Almost 3 in the morning, miles from nowhere, a wool hunting shirt drenched right through after 6 hours in the rain with nowhere to hide. Looking up to the dark sky and crying wondering what kind of a fool I am and if there is someone up there who could help me because nobody down here will. I wouldn’t even pick myself up for fear of ruining my back seat.
FINALLY, Finally a car stops and I am singing Hallelujah and so grateful for a little bit of heat and dryness. My joy is very short lived though. The man is dead drunk and driving at 100 miles an hour on a dark country road and right down in the middle of the road riding the white line and every time there is a car coming toward us I see the film of my life and have my hand ready to grab the steering wheel in case my wino doesn’t here. Well a very very long 10 minutes later he stopped at the next hotel. And I almost fall on my knees to thank God for still being alive and I don’t mind the wet and cold rain so much anymore all of a sudden all things considered. Get another short ride from a police car and they have to let me out since there is no handle on their back door. Stopped at the local prison to ask for shelter for the night and this time I am not as lucky as they kick me out. Anyway made it back “home” a very tired and humbled man.

I should not forget to mention that having spent May in a detox centre rejected by everyone before and during I ended up losing two apartments and one job in the short period leading to all this.  Ended up in a homeless shelter at the ripe age of 20 years old. So one night at the homeless shelter if I never told that one before I was turned back.  Let’s try to make this story coherent now.

That might be hard since my mind is getting less and less coherent but here it goes IIRC.
May at Domremy Detox centre in Ste-Genevieve west tip of Montreal island.

Lost 35 lbs in a month running around the compound 6 times daily with a trainer looking pale and concerned and checking my pulse at every round in case I carked it with a “Not on my shift please” look on his face.

Also winning B tournaments of table tennis (ping pong) and badminton. 

A “B” Tournament is a tournament of losers hahaha so I was the best of the losers. 
(they gather all the losers of the first round and make a new tournament just for them)

Al that while eating cafeteria style all you can eat ham and gravy and what not.
So errr where was I oh yeah May 1976 Domremy Montreal.

All my other addicts friends…

Let me make a pause here to describe what I remember as a not so great idea…
Homeless with no where to stay my dad could not take me my mother’s boyfriend didn’t really wanted me and he was the one suggesting that I follow his son’s steps and apply at this Detox Centre even though drugwise I was rather in a lapse at that time.

So as I was saying all my other addicts “colocs”/”colleagues” had a good and proper, properly trained with papers and all qualified psychologist …   Helene???

Where I the chosen of the gods got assigned a registered nurse who had read one comic book on psychology and decided it was my case.

The book was about carrying façade and she got the mission from god to destroy mine at all costs.  So she got up on her horse and started charging jousting with a naked and scared and not so chivalrous knight here.

At one group therapy where she was in charge she decided that today was the day and she leaded the group in an all-out assault of ramming poor me’s little façade apparently.
So they rammed and rammed and rammed at my castle gates mercilessly for what seem like hours but was probably just one hour and I sat there apparently serene and unshaken and solid as fuck.
When the last one got out and left the room and closed the door behind him I was still sitting there and I grabbed one of them cushions we were sitting on and cried all the tears of my body for a long long time sobbing and shaking and basically WHY WHY WHY and What the Fuck is so wrong with me.

My mistress was very proud of her achievement and sent me home early for reasons I don’t remember too well one of them being something like dependence on the centre FFS. Isn’t that what you are supposed to do?

So June and July I survived in an apartment with a Domremy’s alumni.

He fucked off I lost the apartment on Darling street and I remember being right next to the Olympic Stadium and see a poor bugger right up my street running a marathon with his white shorts stained with green shit …literally.

We used to meet each other for a drink or something ironically and as I was up on my way to meet another Domremy female friend for the umpteenth time I took a short cut across an Olympic parking and stopped and asked the young attendant for a cigarette. He did not have any but ended up preaching for the next 2 hours after which I went straight back home to ponder.

So apparently speaking of that memory of mine I am rambling again since it seems I have said most of this before with a different angle.

Anyway let’s get back to the religious journey

From zealous Catholic with masses in Latin and all

To a lapse Catholic

To an “evangelical Christian” August 12th 1976

To a Cult member zealous “Christian” protestantised and evangelicalised and cormierised to the core on October 12th 1976 to June 10th 1988 for the first run.

All of my twenties and when someone asked about the 80’s I usually joked that I was in jail for most of the 80’s and I missed most of them.

  • ·         12-10-1976           20           First Entry (Manic Episode)
  • ·         10-06-1978          22           1st Wedding
  • ·         01-05-1979          23           Gershom (Vermont)
  • ·         16-01-1982          26           Phoebe (Winnipeg)
  • ·         04-09-1983         27           Priscille-Eve (Montreal)
  • ·         1985                       29           Toronto
  • ·         10-06-1988         32           First Departure (Kids 9, 6, 4)
  • ·         March 1989         33           First time to see the kids in 9 months (9, 7, 5)
  • ·         24-08-89              33           Dad passed away
  • ·         June 1990            34           Second Entry
  • ·         June 1991            35           End of one year “probation”
  • ·         14-03-1992          36           Second Departure from the cult (Kids 12, 10, 8)

So what are the numbers now? Almost 12 years the first time 1 year 8 months or 10 months if you count from August 12th. Let’s say 12 years and 8 months for now.

2 years “break” without really breaking in mind and spirit.

1 year and 9 months consisting of one year of probation at the Berube’s and 9 months of “marital” life without the kids living with us and with hardly seeing them at all with one or two supervised meal IIRC.

So the utter slavery lasted like 16 years and 5 months even though it continued for many years after one does not heal that quickly. 14 years and 5 months on indoctrination and blackmail do not help.
I thought I had had 10 years of “freedom” LOL but now I realised it was only 9 years.

5 years of what I called “bread and water” with no relationships at all

All I remember is nightmares… the dreams were that we were all back together as a happy family mum dad and kids and all… the nightmares were waking up to the sad reality that it wasn’t so.

And 4 years of “sowing my wild oats” double LOL

Ending up in Australia in September 2001 memorable date despite the delays in flights.

The only date I don’t remember really is the date I “became” an atheist.

I was baptised 4 times, FOUR TIMES.

Once as a baby twice in the cult Easter 1977? And another time much later after a relapse. 
And once again here at the Church of Christ along with Sue which she reminds me of regularly LOL. (November 2002?)

I started my blog in 2009 and I remember having a program called E-Sword for years using it mainly for pasting and copying bible verses

(a book I had read and still have here with all the tick marks 7 times on the OT and 12 times on the NT with no such intended magical numbers. These are the times I have COMPLETED my readings not counting the many many times I started without finishing either dying in Exodus or Chronics and all the other readings and studies I read.)

So how did it happen? I don’t know it is like my story I said on TV once about the cult.  They say if you put a frog in cold water and raise the temperature gradually. It’s gonna boil without ever attempting to escape.  Which is more than likely an urban legend, a pure myth but explains the situation and time well.

Strangely enough my 2 other friends who have left the cult and all the others I am not sure where they all stand but the two that left that I was in contact with are still quite religious in one form or another having retransformed the lies they learned to make them fit somehow where I took a totally different road not better or worse.

In the end it does not matter, we will all die nothing will happen, and that’s it, we will be quickly forgotten and our mark will be long gone.
My words, his words, her words will be nothing but dispersed atoms of oxygen and nitrogen and argon and carbon dioxide: Hot air in other words

The gases that humans breathe in are nitrogen, oxygen, argon and carbon dioxide, with nitrogen in the largest proportion and carbon dioxide in the smallest proportion. The gases that humans breathe out are the same, although more carbon dioxide and less oxygen is present.

In the end it does not matter, we will all die nothing will happen, and that’s it, we will be quickly forgotten AND no one can PROVE the CONTRARY.

The more I “think” about it the very idea of this *shaking my head here*  of this 


“god” for lack of another word well is just that:


*(so “mysterious in his ways yeah right)

The omnipotent all powerful god who gives you cancer and what not.

Prayer is nothing short of talking to yourself ( or to a friend or a psychologist) it only allows you to solve problems in your head as simple as should I get an oil change or not or more complex at times.

Anyway none of this will change anything some will even quote Revelations to me LOL

Let the one who does wrong continue to do wrong; let the vile person continue to be vile; let the one who does right continue to do right; and let the holy person continue to be holy."

And so it goes…

In the meanwhile people can continue to believe 
in an Olam Ha-Ba where

Everything was beautiful and Nothing Hurt.


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