Monday, April 5, 2010

Decisions! Decisions! that what one calls mixed feelings now?

I must apologize for my rude remarks and my pestering and my frenzy, which is all part of my condition Bipolar with strong despair at times and Huge Compulsions and Obsessions at others.

It is just unfair though as life often is that my condition and my addiction and my need starts at the moment where your superiors have started to squeeze your balls in a vise, pardon my French.

Not sure which came first the chicken or the egg but I made this discovery on my very first oxycodone that was given me at the hospital and that has always been prescribed, that was back in March 2009 after over a year of treatment on loads of antidepressants that just don’t work.

This Discovery was reinforced on Australia Day 2010 where I was taking up to 100 mg a day of it 20 mgs at the time for more than 9 days and still a considerate amount after discharge and during the 40 days this hole in my hand took to fill out and even though I was in dire physical pain at time there was no depression and I was feeling positive and normal. The good it does to my mental pain is priceless and I can't explain it I just know it works and now you all say you can't have it anymore because I won't lie like a junkie or talk to you about my other daily chronic pains of course those would be relieved by painkillers but my mind is the one that needs the attention first. Not so much concerned about all my body parts slowly giving out on me these days as long as I can keep my head-space in the clear.

To me it’s a game of Russian roulette with 3 bullets in the gun, or a question of life or death on a toss of a coin really, head you win, tail you lose partner. If I have the shit I might get addicted some more and even die actually and I don’t have the shit I might just off myself to get my head out of the terrible hell it sunk into, sitting here at times bawling my eyes out praying to die and yet not wanting to die. All I really want to get my headspace out of the hellhole vortex it sunk into where there is no willpower or counselling beyond words that will get me out of the absolute horror that I live.

Who has created this hellhole now I am not sure like I said the chicken or the egg? Personally I think that my mental situation has been critical for quite some time and somehow has been catalysed by some unknown recent event (I suspect my 2005 CABG to be one of the powerful trigger of an existentialist crisis) Or I could be just deluding myself and have created my anxiety crises by me taking so much oxycodone for so many days and expecting them now to keep my mental pain away like they have been so faithful at it recently.

Anyway if we don’t find a solution soon I might just have to walk myself into a psychiatric ward as my situation is worsening fast and getting critical and dangerous. My rate and speed of drinking is reaching life threatening levels and as I said I don’t want to die I just want to stop the anguish and the pain. Fuck I am sure I am not alone in this and someone must understand. Do you all need to watch apocalypse now to understand pain horror and anguish?

I am not a 20 year old junkie I am a 54 year old bipolar going the same way as many have before me. Jack Kerouac could not stand it and he drank himself to death. Andre Dédé Fortin could not stand it and he committed hara kiri at 37. Call it an Icarus syndrome or a Sisyphus Syndrome but it is flying to close to the sun , see too much light and then realise the futility of it all. Sitting here in the morning your head in other darkness bawling your eyes out for you don’t know what really, being locked in that state for hours, besides also being very recluse and making the life of my only loved one so miserable because I am so goddamn helpless? What the fuck do you need to hear? Every time there is a suicide people say oh yeah we should be more careful about that and then they turn around and go about their life as usual, like watching a commercial on tv, seeing thousands of children dying of all sort of horrors and then turn the telly off and what do you want for dinner kids?

Pharmaceutical Benefits Scheme figures for oxycodone, which is sold as OxyContin, OxyNorm and Endone, reveal there were 148,833 scripts dispensed in WA last year, up from 114,181 in 2007.

WA is on track for another increase this year, with 31,709 scripts already dispensed in January and February.

So now I AM PAYING for all those other 148,833. I am just a number and my pain is irrelevant we’ve got to please the authorities, cover our asses in good English and lower the number and let’s start with Joe.

You are like pushers first you start giving me the thing for free and let me know how good it feels and then you withdraw it and jack up the price by forcing me to go on the black market just so your nice and comfy derrieres are well protected.

Be offended if you want nothing seems to work anyway in this numb generation of scared sheep. Vinegar or Honey it’s all fucking useless. But at least I got it off my chest and if ever I did the unthinkable I hope all these cries for help go viral and burn as many asses as you are trying to cover now.

Interesting how this letter started nice and I got angry again at all the nonchalance and carelessness and rude arrogance of the office as hamlet says. He too was tired of life and numbskulls deaf to any pleas.

For who would bear the whips and scorns of time,

Th' oppressor's wrong, the proud man's contumely

The pangs of despised love, the law's delay,

The insolence of office, and the spurns

That patient merit of th' unworthy takes,

When he himself might his quietus make

With a bare bodkin? Who would fardels bear,

To grunt and sweat under a weary life,

But that the dread of something after death,

The undiscovered country, from whose bourn

No traveller returns, puzzles the will,

And makes us rather bear those ills we have

Than fly to others that we know not of?

Thus conscience does make cowards of us all,

Decisions! Decisions! Tsstt, tsstt,tsstt.

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