Immune to Recovery

Immune to Recovery

I could have said immune to redemption but I don't believe in redemption. 
You CAN'T BUY BACK actions: "good" or "bad"

What is done is done and cannot be undone.

"I'll make it up to you" is just good for a cheap rock ballad or a lame R & B bullshit song.

Bottom line is you fucked up try not to fuck up too many times.

If I was to expand on the redemption theme now it is religious bullshit to control to make someone believe you have a debt to pay and lo and behold luckily for you they are here to COLLECT.

Back to my immune to recovery now.

My shrink of 13 years is retiring and obviously
this puts me in a precarious situation. 

New beginnings at 64 are getting hard on this old dog now.

Yesterday was my meeting before last and I left pretty well saying I was immune to recovery.

I have lived in dissociation for so long I don't know how to turn it off

(some would blame my dad
I mainly blame my mom,
afraid to go to school and get bullied and
afraid to get back home and get beaten up at the slightest whim)

I have lived  in dissociation for so long
as I said that I don't know how to let go how to come back.

Dissociation and Anxiety being a funny mix.

I FEEL that I have no power to change that I am just ALWAYS ALWAYS waiting for the WIND to blow for the fucking wind to blow

and as I am getting older 
the sea is getting calmer and calmer 
and I getting more and more bored anhedonic and apathetic.

I was joking with Bill (my shrink) that a possible new shrink mentioned a "PLAN OF ACTION" and I kinda freaked out.
WHAT do you MEAN a plan of ACTION?

I have been sitting here doing nothing for the past 13 years and I am quite happy with that now. And we both laughed.

If we were to establish what I really want now errr it would be to keep my head above water for the time remaining.

All I'd like for today is to get back on one of my game wagon.

This has kept me out of trouble for years and it is good enough for me.

But at this point I have lost my MOJO as I call it on all 3 of my main video games and I don't have the stamina the brain the wind to learn a new game this old dog is getting really immune to new tricks.

SURE I would LOVE one of my old manic episodes where I would read forever or walked for miles but I don't think I have the brains or the body to do either let alone the manic episodes.

That wind has died.

So basically hold my head above water for a couple of weeks and hope that season 20 of Diablo 3 will give me a respite as long as possible.

Simple needs for simple minds.

I wake up at night trying to find an incentive to go back to any of them 3 games or to find something new but nah to no avail.

Even VR is not appealing these days and the RR is utterly boring.

RR: Real Reality or whatever that is.

Blog is barely alive and that is usually a good barometric sign of things.

Anyway things are changing as always.

Tried to get rid of the Valdoxan (agomelatine) habit because for one thing it was getting expensive but then again having second thoughts as I had trouble sleeping lately and it is the ONLY antidepressant I take and I think I am beginning to "feel" the withdrawal signs.

So back on it but grudgingly it is NOT covered by PBS for reasons I don't know and

I am too tired to fight,

AND it went from $60 (2$ a day) to almost $80 in January a 30%+ raise .

Bloody Highway Robbers,

But all my doctors (including my geriatrician who didn't find anything wrong with my brain) recommend I take it as it is much better than the other solution which to me would be Valium (cheap and free but with its own problems including not helping with a slipping mind)

AND I finally stopped procrastinating on massotherapy and got the ball rolling which also takes its toll on a small pensioner's budget but is highly necessary would it be alone to compensate for the extreme sedentary lifestyle but as my brother swears by it for the past couple of years it seems to be a pre-requisite to our genetic mess.

Now add to this that my next shrink might not be bulk billing and we have normal everyday every people financial worries to add to the existentialist ones.

Anyway I need a new Sisyphean boulder to push sometime soon for the last few yards.

I realised one of the dangers of my space cadet deteriorating mind this week when I forgot whether I had done my insulin or not.

That would be a DEADLY error now to assume I didn't and double it up.

So we will try to have some safety system for this and extend the boulder pushing season for a while.

Who knows maybe someone will find a PLAN of ACTION that really works. LOL 

Good Fucking Luck to Ya!