Like Tears in Rain

 

I see Arsene Lupin and childhood memories flood to mind.

Of course the name was know all over the French world including French Canada.

Now I may or I may not have read some or all,
I cannot remember.

I do remember visiting the local library often and coming back with the maximum amount of books allowed.

This is probably how I read all the Tintin available and all the Bob Morane moving on after to Doc Savage.  

This is probably also where I read at a very young age 

La vingtcinquieme heure de Georghiu et 

Le Livre des Secrets Trahis de Charroux

There was probably a time where I read all my allowed books and brought them back for more way before my allotted time
and there was ALSO a time where
"my eyes were bigger than my stomach"
and I took 10 out and
brought 10 back unread and probably late.

Anyway on this subject of memory now I do remember the scent of the library in Ahuntsic, where I lived for like a whole 4 years, an eternity considering we moved every year and in year 6  we moved twice and I went to 3 different schools.

I also remember the smell  in my best friend's basement. 

These 2 places were for me refuges and havens.

But the memories seems to fade deeper and deeper everyday now.

On the last day it won't matter at all because all memories fade after we are but dust in the wind but in the dusk of life here I just wonder how far will this memory loss go?

I know we are supposed to Carpe the Diem and all that Jazz and live in the moment and be present but what bugs me is that at times I don't seem to have many other choices even this living in the moment escapes me in some sort of dissociative daydream.

There are important events that are completely erased from my memory and some event I am not even aware ever happened.

I seem to be left with feelings rather than facts.

Brain MRI is normal and geriatrician is puzzled and still enquiring but there may not ever be an answer to all this.

Reading has almost become unthinkable and even watching an hour show is problematic as I lose the plot after more than 3 characters.  Playing chess also is challenging and other interests are fleeting.  I am reduced to make silly jigsaw puzzles on the computer and try to pick some under 100 pieces.

Like Charlie Gordon I used to be an tellijent I think no I know I remember acing calculus in my forties not a small feat.

I could hold my end at chess and bridge and always boasted of my 120 IQ (112 in another test but who wants to hear that?? )

Not sure where it all went wrong either or when.

I am certain many 65 year old are much sharper than I am.

Nothing to worry too much as I said after all like the Rolling Stones said:

It is the evening of the day

If I could keep two thoughts together I could  even write a decent blog now :)

I have done a million crazy things. I have been carried by wild winds of madness but all this seems to be a distant past now watched by a stranger.

Reminds me of a few poems by Nelligan at times.

Je fus de ces heureux d'alors, mais aujourd'hui,

Les pieds sur les chenets, le front terne d'ennui,

Moi qui me sens toujours l'amertume dans l'âme,

J'aperçois défiler, dans un album de flamme,

Ma jeunesse qui va, comme un soldat passant,

Au champ noir de la vie, arme au poing, toute en sang !

I was one of those lucky people then, but today,

Feet on andirons, brow dull with boredom,

I who always feel bitterness in my soul,

I see scrolling, in an album of flame,

My youth going, like a passing soldier,

In the black field of life, gun in hand, all in blood!

When I hear all these singers talking about 500 miles or 1000 miles from nowhere I think:  AMATEURS.

I have enough mileage in me to make it to the moon for sure

Unfortunately not enough to make it back though.

But all these memories will be all gone soon

Like... Tears in the Rain.

It's raining now

Speaking of dissociative daydream 

SHINE ON YOU CRAZY DIAMOND 

is playing now so I will go and cease that moment