Utopia part deux

Last night I was lying in bed considering the flaws in myperfect plan and I realised the terminator cyborg

approach was just a little too perfect and a little too cold.
Sure it got rid of the common problems many religions including Buddhism try to get rid of
i.e. our infamous appetites
by eliminating the good old eat and drink and be merry
and enjoy the woman of your life
but as I said it is just too perfect. 
After all we don’t want to turn into Data here.

So future medicine and future conception out of the traditional family unit which at best works once in a million and at worst creates nightmarish socio-economical nightmares of all sorts. 

What to do with it?

Obviously I had eugenics in mind but eugenics was kind of solved in that viral wipe-out with just a very few ‘perfect’ new and improved re-engineered ‘humans’.

Now we can add to this I suppose some form of painless birth maybe in vitro even and some form of advanced stem cells printing tissues and perfect organs to replace the ageing one while solving also a bad ageing of the brain which is not wanted either. 
So Heart, Liver, Kidneys etc CHECK!

Now we certainly don’t want a living Island of living clones for replacement part because after all we are writing a utopia here not a dystopia.

Another challenge here of course is not only we do not have the semantic ability to create this realistic utopia there would be nothing to write about it either as happy people have no history as we all know.

What could one write if there are no lies, no intrigues, no thefts, no murders, no wars, no adulteries, no offences and no offended parties?

I understand leaving sex in the equation complicates matters now.  It complicates matters in the animal world as well but what we are trying to imagine here is man at his very best beyond his actual capacity.

Casual sex for the pleasure with no ambiguous false morality or false modesty attached to it and with no strings attached as the good old line goes? What a thought!  Done somewhat in Logan's Run and Brave New World IIRC.

Like having a meal or a glass of wine with no more complications, mature and modern and some would say liberal! J

It does get different for sure when you take reproduction out of it. When reproduction is taken care of some other way, a more modern way… not necessarily through the means of a very flimsy whimsical nature.  It doesn't work in the animal kingdom and it certainly does not work among humans the idea that every sperm winning is a godly wilful act is just fucking insane.

Many will argue that there is nothing better than the love of a parent but I totally disagree since there is nothing worst either sometimes than the ‘love’ of an ignorant parent, the damage is irreversible and in a perfect society not left to chance for sure.

We cannot play Russian Roulette here with human souls.

There has to be sufficient care, sufficient supplies and sufficient everything.

One idea here would be to ‘program’ a society, a family unit with each of them having a farmer, a carpenter, sufficient land, none of that fiefdom ever any more. Equality for all.  In vitro reproduction even encourages equality for all.

It takes a village well let’s create a proper functional village then.

It certainly would be nice if it was an all-involved village with equal voices: bossing around and submission lead to nothing but trouble eventually.

Food and Sex that don’t hurt us now here is a new concept and try to add a good dose of healthy inebriation under ‘control’? Not sure is science will ever be big enough for that now? J

No Hunger Games, No Island, No Elyseum? Boring indeed innit?

I really have to reread Huxley. I liked him a lot back then but today I don’t like the idea of happy Deltas or even Betas for that matter.

Something straight out of The Village? Maybe I have read too many books and seen too many movies LOL. 

There was a certain peace to be had with the acceptance of the Hutterite style  I have to say if one could settle for this now.  Of course there were inequalities and cheating again as we can’t help being human and wrongly engineered but in its ideal view it is a nice place, a wealthy place even.

Hutterite or Amish without the bullshit religion and its boring meetings. A sense of community and sharing where everyone has plenty and is plainly happy.  Mind you I prefer the dressing code of the Eloi! J

No one is rich beyond others; there is no politics, no corruption, a minimal working week and plenty of well used leisure hours preferably in an ancient community style pre-social medias. 

A society of polymaths without the madness that usually comes with it.

Some Twilight Zone indeed on the Outer Limits of our possible current outcome.

I would like to think that Helen and Scott Nearing had a very happy life, the good life as they call it.

They were but one couple but imagine, one couple, one family, one village, one province, one country, one world… self-sufficient, non-violent, and happy.

There would hardly be any need for leaders and government or a ‘defense’ ministry or a police even.
No government, no taxes and a fair sense of bartering to meet everyone’s need. Everyone. 
Obviously that would include some form of major education and definitely a good family planning foundation.

Dream on Joe! Dream On!

Looking at the Eloi Feast photos I can’t help but imagine also this future world to be fully flavoured and fully vegetarian or at least ovo-lacto vegetarian I do not feel the need to be overzealous but just the need to respect life and not to murder or kill  and obviously I am what you would called pro-choice considering the ovo part! J

That would extend also to textile clothing of some sort.

NO PAIN! NO WARS! NO CRIMES. NO "EVIL" and NO HATE even. NO DECEPTIONS, NO LIES... in fact mind reading even...  NO CLASS SYSTEMS or CASTES.

The REAL PURSUIT of HAPPYNESS!

obviously NO BULLIES and no need even for psychological resilience.

TOTAL EQUALITY AMONG SEXES too, along with among races and since there is no creed to cling to, one problem eliminated.

one idea is to solve the problem of pain and the old mythical Judaic curse of pain in delivery 

Gen 3:16  Unto the woman he said, I will greatly multiply thy sorrow and thy conception; in sorrow thou shalt bring forth children; and thy desire shall be to thy husband, and he shall rule over thee.

Gen 3:17  And unto Adam he said, Because thou hast hearkened unto the voice of thy wife, and hast eaten of the tree, of which I commanded thee, saying, Thou shalt not eat of it: cursed is the ground for thy sake; in sorrow shalt thou eat of it all the days of thy life;

 more to come I am sure...a fun project anyway 

What is YOUR idea of a Perfect World?

The score will say Oblivion Won

Seasons go

And seasons past

Years go on

A bit too fast

First thing you know

It’s winter time

Your life force is

A distant chime

Your best days behind

And what’s ahead?

Plans and dreams are

All but dead

Clinging to Air

To consciousness

Remembering the

Ghosts of Past

Hoping for a last feat,

A legacy

Before you passed

To history.

A tiny unit of

The bungled and the botched

One more out of a thousand myriad of myriads

Whether you shine and leave a notch

Is getting closer and closer to naught

Plus what does it matter what the world said

Once you cold and forever dead?

You are part of Stardust and Greatness

But greatness has no consciousness

While you were searching for truth

You just forgot

There is no such word

It’s just a thought

You were fighting the river Lethe

Let it be, let it, Let. Delete.

The opposite of truth is Oblivion

And you forget that in the end

The score will say

Oblivion Won!

So enjoy this consciousness while it lasts

For no one knows no one can tell

If lack of consciousness is the only hell

For all we know it could be even

That Oblivion is the best Heaven

My Locked Room

UTOPIA! Utopia! UTOPIA!

Eu- topia ! Eulogy of topography! A “Good” “Place”!

One would think there should be only ONE eutopia right?

That forever imagine place of no pain and no death and no harm and above all no “evil”.

It certainly is nowhere BUT in a few people’s IMAGINATION. 

The Image of a Place!

Which reminds me of: “The Map is Not the Territory”.

And as much as I keep saying I would love to leave the greatest utopia behind me I cannot begin to even write a simple sketch of it.

Aldous Huxley certainly comes to mind as he appeals to me somehow in his rigidity or he appealed anyway since I read the book such a long time ago. I might have read it in French for all I know.  But the fact that parenthood as a rule is not such a good thing, that we are the cruellest animals of all towards our offspring makes me want government engineered test tube babies.

Songs like Mother for instance and Freudian approaches and what not makes me want to eliminate parental authority figures from the planet for good and for the good of the race too. (Movies like the General’s Daughter and other examples, what is worse than gang rape? Betrayal for personal profit)

So where does it begin and how does one get rid of dissidents without sounding like Mao or Stalin now? One would obviously have to eliminate dissidents at the source straight from ‘programming’ Day One.

So a Utopia without religion is one thing but a utopia without “POLITICS” now is an impossible challenge and we all know these two subjects ruin everything.

I don’t want a Harrison Bergeron, I don’t want a ruling class, and I don’t want a Philosopher Kings approach.

What I want is a planet of champions, no elite since all are at the top and equal.

It is impossible to imagine even with an apocalyptic cataclysm that would leave only two people on the planet (preferably intelligent and preferably male and female as well J )

In fact the only new beginning I can imagine is from scratch
with two “RE-ENGINEERED” human beings.

For let’s face it the original engineering utterly sucks.

So maybe Aldous was on the right track after all.  To refresh my memory I should really reread his work and its addition to it but let’s try to imagine one with what I have now, what I know now.

Now it seems quite a challenge to have a planet full of Alphas don’t it?

But the classes and the castes system horrifies me as there is so much room for horrific behaviour here and fucking colonialism and self-righteousness and what not.

So what could it be then? A new and improved Scandinavia but in a warmer climate? What if we needed the cold to cool us down now? Even though freezing does not come in my Valhalla at all.
In fact, I want 25°C, all day long, all year round and rain only at night! J 

Which would allow for another feature of my new paradise:
no clothes, so done with fashion tyranny.

So where does it begin? And how? And when? In a future where genetic engineering is possible but yet with a future not encumbered by technology and a new beginning triggered by violent nature rather than violent men, i.e. a planet wiping virus rather than a nuclear clean up.

How do you build now from 2 to a decent 1000 as close to the original as possible?

In this world it is impossible since as soon as a new religion is born, a new political party, schisms start right away and heresies as they call them and divisions and what not.  It certainly is a biological tendency for cells to tend to split.  On one hand one does not want cancerous cells but on the other hand we can’t all have exact clones either.

How to manage to get no debate necessary on all the ‘essentials’?
How to establish these ‘essentials’ once and for all in the human psyche?

So many questions which will ever only have answers in the imaginary.

School? Education? Bullies? Sibling Rivalry? Early problems in life.

And since this would be my utopia there is no sense in establishing a committee to try to form it, establish it.
That committee alone would not be very utopic to begin with.

Many would disagree with my rule number one which is no religion at all, no myth and no lies. (No Santa, No Tooth Fairy, Fantasies presented as such fictive and not real)

Religion is fact in this world is a virus that has to be quickly eliminated with extreme prejudice
and no mercy whatsoever unless we go back to what we have now.

A mental sickness with no cure provided by denial and self-delusion. 
No one is harder to cure than the one who think he is healthy.

Which brings me to this citation here:

Certain linguistic anthropologists think that religion is a language virus

that rewrites pathways in the brain, dulls critical thinking.

And

Korzybski's work argued that human knowledge of the world is limited both by the human nervous system and by the structure of language.
Korzybski thought that people do not have access to direct knowledge of reality; rather they have access to perceptions and to a set of beliefs which human society has confused with direct knowledge of reality. Korzybski is remembered as the author of the dictum: "The map is not the territory".

What to do with all this now?
Rewrite our genetic faulty code in the original re-spawn?
Correct our nervous system and rewire the brain
and more importantly
mightily improve in a very primitive semantic/linguistic system?

And the one billion dollars question here obviously is in a “written” utopia How the HELL do you do this with WORDS?

Wow some task here!

Come to think of it while I am at it would be to eliminate death and sickness by placing consciousness in a mechanical repairable ‘eternal’ body a la Terminator meets Spike Jonze.

Now for this consciousness not to be too Vulcan either and remain ‘human’ when the word itself ‘human’ seems to be so much more part of the problem than part of the solution.

Love without hate? Try to imagine that now.

Without reviewing my old ramblings on Utopia here my recreation of one would probably be very similar to my basic idea of it I suppose.

So here is a beginning somehow?

When? Good question. 2500 seems too early. 

I like the good old Herbert George AD 802,701

I like what the urban dictionary has to say here

802701

supposely the year where Morlocks and Eloi are the only races.

802701 A.D. the year where there are only two races.

And here is the hick again: Two Races.

This Dualism and more importantly this monotheism which creates a duality right there and then with this Us & Them attitude and this Chosen better than thou bullshit.

This Dualism must go. What we need here is an Eloi without the Morlocks. 

And more importantly,
an intelligent Eloi that cannot die, cannot drown or burn or have an accident even and absolutely no Morlocks at all in this world, 

no Paul no Stalin.

And yes it might take 800 thousand years to get there.  By this time I’d like to hope that we’ve moved way up on this Kardashev Scale and can move our consciousness to more viable premises.

It doesn’t have to be here.

Therefore my 25°C, all day long, all year round and rain only at night! J

A gigantic DOME comes to mind here J

Also the room to expand but here rises a problem somehow there must be the birth of a brain and a ‘soul’ in this immortal world, apparently nurtured properly and then transplanted in a more durable vessel.

It is hard to imagine harmony though in an expanding race/world. 

 As if chaos must come to reign at one point as if the universe cannot just spread forever without EXPLODING.  

But we could also keep it small scale but it implies again stagnation and some sort of death.  

After all we don’t want a Logan’s Run Carrousel at any age do we? L

 Altogether an ultimate exercise in futility
but much funner than reality anyway :)
A permanent LSD trip where one totally escapes the harshness of the environment for a while
not so different from everyday life really.

It would be proper to terminate this with Rust Cohle's last heard words

In that last nanosecond, they saw what they were,

that you,
yourself,
this whole big drama,
it was never anything but a jerry-rig of presumption and dumb will

and you could just let go

finally now that you didn't have to hold on so tight...

to realize that all your life-- you know, all your love, all your hate,

all your memory, all your pain-- it was all the same thing.

It was all the same dream, a dream that you had inside a locked room,

a dream about being a person...

and like a lot of dreams...

there's a monster at the end of it.

So I want my dream with no monsters that's all,
I want my locked room to be a happy place!  J

That kiwi commercial bugs me.

That kiwi commercial bugs me.

For one thing millions of people die of stupidity aka ‘mistakes’.
A whole franchise, ‘JackAss’, is made to bankroll on that.

PLUS what more than really happened here it was not a ‘mistake’ of judgement or a lack of vision it is simply the general attitude on the road of males (and more and more females  apparently) with too much arrogance, not enough patience, cutting off and cutting in aggressively , with children in the car or not.

In this commercial as in so many times in life there was not a car for miles behind the incoming car, you’d think the incoming traffic could wait eh?
But NOOOOOOOOO!
NOT ME!
I AIN’T WAITING FOR SHIT AND NOBODY.
HE is gonna have to slam on the brakes
cuz here I come
brace yourself for his majestic Fuck here.

Then on top of all that we are supposed to have a very gentle pleading here where AGAIN in REAL LIFE it would have been a jerk fest of road rage and swearing each accusing the other and blaming the other where the law says and the laws of logic too that small road traffic should ALWAYS yield to big road traffic.

104 or 100 or even 90 would have made no difference at all when stupidity and arrogance are involved
and stupidity and arrogance should not procreate but that is a nother entirely different subject.

It is done every fucking day on our roads and the only mistake here is the mistake of arrogance and machismo that kills plenty in bars and on the road and everywhere.

Not sure what the message is here since it seems to blame speed where speed definitely wasn’t the culprit here,
that car was clearly seen and totally ignored
or someone was stoned at the wheel,
here is a nother entirely different subject again,
needless to say if you’re stoned and driving
don’t take your kids with you either.

As much as it is liked and promoted it still bugs me to no end because the real situation has not been addressed here and I somewhat feel that the millions of dollars spent on this propaganda are wasted since it is preaching to the converted and the jackass ijuts will continue their usual ways
and it will be water on the back of a duck for them. 

It comes from the same attitude as the so-called king hits.  I hate this misnomer so much as for once the Americans have a better term for it, sucker punch but in reality it should be called low-life scum coward punch.

If the man is driving the speed limit or slightly over, let him go and wait half a second your precious majesty.

 
Usually ijuts like that cut you off and then drive 20-30 kms below the speed limit except in passing areas where they speed up a little to slow down again when the double lines come back. In a hurry to cut you off but in no hurry to go anywhere after that.

The problem is not speed it is what used to be called
COURTESY, CONSIDERATION and RESPECT.

My two bits again on common sense.

There are instances where speed kills (especially mixed with alcohol and/or drugs) but this was not one of them.

It is too late to place the blame once the damage is done and lives are lost

but an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure.

Right and wrong, Good and evil, Truth and lies, White and black?

Busson is a proponent of "venture philanthropy", which seeks to multiply the effectiveness of charitable pursuits by applying to them the same management practices which are used in business ventures.

Venture philanthropy sounds more like egophiliac to me and an obscene oxymoron.

Hedge funds, the black beast of capitalism, sleeping with charity while getting filthy rich in the process and I can help but feeling a little edgy myself now.

Getting a fortune of 150 Million Euros while dating the likes of Elle McPherson and Uma Thurman in the process can only remind me of Balzac’s “With great fortune comes great crimes”.

Ironically dating the daughter of the American representative of the Dalai Lama well it’s just that: IRONIC. 

Mind you  Tenzin Gyatso doesn’t look any poorer than the pope himself. The world is full of irony.

I know that good and bad, truth and lies, the standards of morality and all that jazz are supposed to be RELATIVE but one has to draw the line somewhere no?

I can’t help again but being reminded of some lines of this wannabe holy book I read so many times: the epitome of goodness apparently, the standard of justice and truth.

1Jn 2:15  Love not the world, neither the things that are in the world. If any man love the world, the love of the Father is not in him.

1Jn 2:16  For all that is in the world, the lust of the flesh, and the lust of the eyes, and the pride of life, is not of the Father, but is of the world.

And again

Joh 15:18  If the world hate you, ye know that it hated me before it hated you.

Joh 15:19  If ye were of the world, the world would love his own: but because ye are not of the world, but I have chosen you out of the world, therefore the world hateth you.

So the world, the COSMOS certainly loves Busson and his likes.

And in this absurd obscurity of nihilism here it gets all very confusing.

There is an inner desire in each one of us for some sort of justice I suppose, and since we never find it down here we tend to invent it somewhere else and justice as I see it will never be anything but wishful thinking for eons to come.

Some perfect world to come, where no one is burning in hell for eternity and moreover where no retarded ignoramus is rejoicing over this convoluted so-called fact.  That alone is such misguidance that it removes all hopes forever for humanity.

Can one just stand here and say “This is wrong” and “that is wrong”?
Or the opposite, “This is good” and that is good too”?

Of Course no one cares of what one thinks, especially when one has money.

In the meanwhile my utopia/dystopia is getting more and more muddled.

I cannot invent the perfect world in our human terminal limitations.

Can’t see it either, not now, not in a million years, not in a billion, not in 5 billion.

After that ‘time’ one would assume it is beyond any hope now.

A sense of innocence, of infantile wide-eyed amazement, of justice and peace and love we all want but none of us will ever get.

Is that what differentiates us from monkeys and does it necessarily make us better than apes now?

Robert Thurman reminded me of Janis Joplin’s “Cry Baby” running away to Kathmandu, divorcing his wife to “find himself” and although he is a very educated man I can’t help but feeling he is somewhat like all of us more or less very misguided.

Anyway that ‘venture philanthropy’ sure got me thinking now. 

Wow what an odd concept!

It reminded of how much so-called charity money goes into administration fees and advertisement and what not. 

150 million euros of it now is a mighty mega admin fee.

Do not let your left hand know what your right hand is doing seems to be trivial at this point really.

Of course something is deadly wrong with this world but no one has ever ever come close to remotely fix it and less of all religion and/or politics so what is left to do?

Bear and grin? 

Eat and drink and be merry? 

Or more importantly for the sensitive souls, go on top of a mountain
and close your eyes, your ears and your heart while you hold your breath.

Talking about it ain’t gonna do shit but I am still posting this.

A fool is a fool is a fool. :) 

One wasted day at the time

Before too long…

All this will be gone , all this delusional dream that I could have been someone, that I could have been a contender, that I could have left a mark, a name, a memory, a legacy, …SOMETHING

Many have left something behind in much less time.
I have ‘beaten’ Balzac and Proust and Christ, I have beaten Christ himself,
let’s not mention Alexandre the Great here and so many others.
In May 2014 I will have ‘beaten’ Dickens himself.

All ‘beaten’! In YEARS that is.

Soon, this consciousness, this potential, this great white hope will be gone and forgotten.

Would I have an eternity, I still don’t see me leaving a mark, given that many others would also have an eternity to leave their mark, but then again was I the only one, that eternity alone would be my flavourless mark.

What does it matter really one might ask?
Do you think Balzac, Proust and the above mentioned are any happier for the better that they are ‘remembered’?

In all probability soon enough, give it 4 or 5 billion years, all of us will disappear in utter dust, nothing left at all.
No memory, no books, no deed, no records, no digital mark of any kind.  I do expect that Voyager gold CD to be long gone as well.

Maybe in the year 802,701 there will be some vestiges of old forgotten memories no one listens to anyway, and maybe Herbert George was totally wrong and we will be all gone by then also.
Who knows?

Truth is most of our forefathers are forgotten and have no history or memory whatsoever. 
Who knows anything much about the daily lives of our great- great- forebearers anyway?

I just can’t help though watching every minute going by as one breath closer to death sometimes and wonder why?

The good old sempiternal questions: Who am I? Where am I? What is the purpose of life? And more importantly who’s gonna be in the bottom two on the X factor tonight? :)

A longing for deeper meaning, for so called ‘truth’ which is at best a recognition of some of the lies methinks sometimes.
The antithetic Lethe river.

A longing for ‘true’ knowledge, here is that word again.

A longing for wisdom and sense in an unwise and insensible world.

Maybe all a disguise for a god complex
and a sense of narcissistic superiority?

What would I do with the truth anyway?
And with all knowledge that passeth understanding? 

What did Charlie Gordon do? 

Here is one that is still 'hanging around' at 86, Daniel Keyes,
50 years after his absolute masterpiece,
May he be remembered forever!

Most actually just literally lose their ‘minds’ as soon as they get too close to the fire.

The infamous Icarus Complex.

I watch things judging people’s creativity or lack of when mine is not any better when all I can say is I could do better with the subject but I don’t, as a matter of fact I wouldn’t know how. 
I see a great potential and I see the possibilities and the lack thereof but bottom line I am nothing but a Salieri who thanks to Peter Shaffer, F. Murray Abraham, and Milos Forman, at least WILL be remembered for something as the ‘patron saint’ of MEDIOCRITY.

I still would not know what to do with my favourite subject of all: dystopia.

Dystopia and time travel certainly have tons of potential but none I can exploit properly.

In the meanwhile I guess I can keep on reading the works of the true masters even though master is a loaded word.  Not sure what to think so far of shallow pedantic spoiled rotten rich child Marcel here… fascinating at times and so irritating at others with his sycophant snobbery and warped little mind, his fake duel and all his utter bullshit and so much of it… a bit like life itself really, digging though tons of manure to find one or two precious gems. No gems that I could use I am afraid but pleasant to look at when one falls upon them and quickly forgets them isn’t it what we do when we search for lost time now?

Attracted by the old and proven classics all the while neglecting other good potential dystopias like the Veronica Roth Divergent series. Still haven’t finished the Lois Lowry’s quatuor.

Anyway as long as there is life there is hope ‘they’ say,
don’t ‘they’?

Let’s make it do Dickens' 58th now and move on. J

One wasted day at the time.

P.S. Editing is not my forte but a second though occurred here that 'remembrance' in many ways is also very provincial or parochial as I like to call it. Notice there is no Chinese, Portuguese, Greek or Romanian, Norwegian or Senegalese, or any other nation celebrated memories here and in history, we tend to remember them locally like Louis Hemon for instance.  Wikipedia is not exactly the barometer of success but still. :) 

And the hours go by like minutes 
and the shadows come to stay 
So you take a little something 
to make them go away 
And I could have done so many things, baby 
If I could only stop my mind from wonderin' what 
I left behind and from worrying 'bout this wasted time 

Ooh, another love has come and gone 
Ooh, and the years keep rushing on 
I remember what you told me 
before you went out on your own: 
"Sometimes to keep it together, 
you got to leave it alone." 

So you can get on with your search, baby, 
and I can get on with mine 
And maybe someday we will find, 
that it wasn't really wasted time 

  

Alexander III of Macedon (20/21 July 356 – 10/11 June 323 BC) 32
Honoré de Balzac  20 May 1799 – 18 August 1850)  51
Marcel Proust (10 July 1871 – 18 November 1922)   51
William Shakespeare (26 April 1564 (baptised) – 23 April 1616)  almost 53
Charles John Huffam Dickens (7 February 1812 – 9 June 1870) 58

Dreams of Dementia

I realised my blog has been dead for months.
I myself somehow feel somewhat dead too even more so since I came back from Canada.  

Praised be I, writing, dead already and dead again" - Jack Kerouac

Add to this my unpleasant stay at the hospital. The usual post travel depression I suppose that has been haunting me for years now.

Life goes on here at a different pace, on a different planet kind of, where nothing seems to matter much between sunrise and sunset or rising up and laying down in my case which are closer to sunrise and sunset than ever lately.

Plus I’ve had a couple more dreams of dementia / Alzheimer’s lately and it makes me realise maybe somewhat 

(here is a nice solid expression: maybe somewhat, nothing like determination and conviction eh? J )

It makes me realise, as we all should, that life is very short and consciousness is extremely fragile.

Does it make me act better? Of course not.

If I try to find the one thing I’d love to do it seems like “writing my dystopia” comes to the top of my mind automatically but the sketch alone seems to be an impossible task to create. One just does not conjure a dystopia out of thin air no matter how much one loves other people’s dystopia.  You would think I should read more dystopias and watch more dystopian movies really but no, this is not happening either.

In fact my current reading (the word reading alone creates such a turmoil of emotions in me, of dreams and failures and realisation of my ‘hopeless’ condition, where as much as I love reading and do have plenty of time to escape into it my mind has kind of slipped away at the concentration level and I am slowly slipping on the downside of this Charlie Gordon bipolar wave) so my current reading as I say is a HUGE endeavour, in fact an interesting almost impossible challenge for me but time will tell, I have started to read nothing short of PROUST’s A la Recherche du Temps Perdu. 

What a task for an unreliable bipolar mind to undertake.  Let me bore you with numbers for a sec here (if you hate numbers well just skip this paragraph then J )

War and Peace 587,287 words

593,493 in the Old Testament and 181,253 in the New Testament giving                774,746 words

God = 774,746 words

Shakespeare = 884,421 words

J.K. Rowling  1,084,170 words

(such as the Harry Potter series which totals)

PROUST: 1, 200,000 words  4,211 pages, 7 volumes

Could be worse I could be reading

Wheel of Time - Robert Jordan 3M 304k  or

Malazan Book of the Fallen - Steven Erikson 3M 325k

Mind you I have read a few words in my life but sparingly my know bible alone reading amounts to 6,329,487 counting my 7 times the whole book plus 5 more times the NT and not counting the innumerable times where I started at the beginning and “died” somewhere either in Exodus or Chronicles the great killer.

Also had many reading sprees over the ages, L.M. Montgomery, John Irving etc

end of number obsession J

Anyway it has been a pleasure so far to read Proust (and according to many that is all that counts, pleasure) and I do understand how he made it to 1.2 million words as he alone can go on and on and attach one synonym after another forever and ever, let’s add 4 more adjectives here and 3 more verbs yeah that should do it. I would absolutely HATE to be his translator though. J

So back to what should I do with the rest of my life well right now I have about 90 minutes to think about it.  Most good writers apparently also must be avid readers but where is the balance between the two, hell if I know.  

There will be some reading I suppose and maybe one day that magic sketch will pop in my mind all written up
(isn’t this how everything happens?)   

In the meanwhile, we go on one breath at a time hoping order will keep on fighting chaos for a little while yet.

For some of us, chaos seems to be having a ball lately and for others well it is just temporarily delayed because in the end as we know what Maxwell Smart did not tell you is that KAOS always win, and CONTROL is just a temporary illusion, like the ephemeral beauty of agent 99.

J

I could rattle on forever about the merits again of questioning everything, of challenging every word, of the hubris and self-righteousness of religion and most philosophies, about the necessity to break out from the crowd but to go where exactly? We are unfortunately gregarious animals, hopeless apes and there is no gratification in sitting on top of a mountain alone with the possession of all truths and all wisdom, with a clear, unpoisoned even though somewhat very limited mind.  As we will only be as the Floyd once said

older 
Shorter of breath 
And one day closer to death 

So Ciao for now then and you keep on thinking y’all,
even when I here will stop one way or another.

 Adding on my dream just for the record

I do not remember my dreams most of the time unfortunately (or is it fortunately now?) but this one I do, 45 mins after getting up and it went a little like this.

I was living in an apartment on the first floor, apartment 6 in fact, and also in the back of my mind I was owning/renting ANOTHER apartment.

First thing I remembered after was being a mile away from my place in a blizzard, crossing a very dangerous street in the dark and cold, squeezing between fast traffic lines of trucks and buses and cars in the snow and in the dark too.  After crossing that very busy road I ended up walking a mile in fear of death in a very cold and dark and lonely road barely dressed.

Then I got to where I live, apartment 6, but everything had changed, it was now a room full of chairs.  I saw someone and asked him the day, month and then the year.  He said something like 17 (or 23?) of November and then when I asked for the year again he said 2013.  In my mind it was kind of like September and I realised I had totally lost a couple of months in my life not remembering a thing.

Also I was trying to figure out why was I caught in such a blizzard as early as November as well.

I found the janitor and showed him my room. At first he did not recognise me but then he remembered. He said: “You said goodbye and you said you were not coming back”.

In the meanwhile I was really lost and confused and scared wondering where the hell I had been for the past 2 months without a single memory left of it.

This is not the first time I dream I have dementia / Alzheimer’s but it is quite a troubling nightmare.  One has always wondered for millennia whether dreams really have any significance.