Triggers and Emotions

Out of bed early after like a 6 hour sleep night.

It's Sunday I think yeah
July 8th, 2018 at 08:36 AM currently, so my reliable computer says even though I trust my phone more for accurate time anyway.
Phone says 8h36 too.

Awake but not woke.

Welling up here and there depending what I read and what I listen to.

Was mostly feeling sorry for myself on Friday now or was it Saturday?

Anyway I tried to go to the Hub all by myself and that was an interesting experience.

Thomas Road? oh oh! I think I fucked up.

I got a $600 phone but a 6 penny brain.

Like Sue said I should have used the good ole paper map anyway.

But still 17 years here
 
SEVENTEEN YEARS

 and I can't go anywhere by myself except if I take the train and have been there before and then again.

Can't drive to Freo,
Can't drive to Perth, 
Never did.

I was trying to read something today

10 Self-Care Tips for People Who Dissociate

I certainly have huge problems of Dissociation for sure

Call it me being a

Space Cadet or

a Distracted Professor

let's face it

I am not always there

well I am there but

I am not there

I am obviously somewhere else.

So I suppose many of my memory problems are due to this rather than to early Alzheimer's but it is disturbing to be so unreliable and at times so useless.

And moreover why would I write all about me when it is a time for mourning for Priscilla.

Again it makes me feel like Camus' Stranger.

It's all intertwined I guess and I do expect a delayed bomb reaction sometime soon.

In the meanwhile I do my own therapy here on this unread blog trying to cope, survive, and mostly understand.

Hell I managed to get to Canada and survive a month on my own so I am not that desperate.

But that feeling of disorientation is haunting at times though.

Anyway Life goes on and

LIFE IS FOR THE LIVING

as she says whatever realm I live in.

So this is it for now as my body is crying for coffee and breakfast and waiting desperately for my granddad afternoon nap.

Ciao all my unreaders.

and Hello to my Polish friends whoever you are.

P.S. Like a strange animal
I seem to have a 5 km radius
and once I get out of there
it's a hostile jungle.

Alright now unto the next thing...

I was out shopping again today and as always 

the Grumpy Old Fucker,


the Sempiternal Curmudgeon

came out of his closet.

Then I started thinking and telling myself with Ani DiFranco's intonation in her song Grey:

IT'S ME IT'S MEEEEEEEE.

And of course it is me.

I was thinking that among the totally impossible things to dream of to just slightly raise the LCD would be just exactly that: totally impossible.

And I am not talking

Liquid Crystal Display here

but rather 

Lowest Common Denominator

Like a Canadian English pediatrist once told us in French

Ça donne rien de se frapper la tête contre un mur de brique.

It doesn't help to hit your head against the same brick wall repeatedly.

(Insert padded room mental asylum scene here)

The LCD as I call it will never change.
We are after all recent apes and all those dreams of a civilised world go out the window everytime you have more than 4 people together as Georges Brassens used to say:

A plus the quatre on est une bande de cons

More than four people and you have a bunch of cunts.

Speaking of, I was sorely reminded today of my frequent thought when I see someone posting something about "people" or "others"

because we ALL ARE people or others 

and here I was like a cunt standing in a narrow entrance blocking all traffic mindlessly breaking my favourite negative golden rule:

DO NOT DO UNTO OTHERS
WHAT YOU DON'T WANT THEM
TO DO UNTO YOU.

So yeah OK
maybe maybe
Zen and Patience
and those forgotten words
Kindness and Compassion
are a better formula here than spitting the dummy at the least contrariety.

MAYBE> 

One day MAYBE I will learn

Here It Goes Again...

Where to start today?
It's been 27 hours
since my youngest daughter died.

I keep thinking of Albert Camus first line of the Stranger:

Maman died today. Or yesterday maybe, I don’t know.

Aujourd’hui, maman est morte.

Ou peut-être hier, je ne sais pas.

J’ai reçu un télégramme de l’asile :

« Mère décédée.

Enterrement demain.

Sentiments distingués. »

Cela ne veut rien dire.

C’était peut-être hier.

Earlier today I thought it had been 48 hours and that we were Sunday.
Well my computer says
(and it's a reliable source)
that we are Saturday the 7th of July. 
It's all a bit confusing also with all them time zones especially when one dies at 22h00. 

So for her it was Thursday July 5th at 10:00 PM
and for me it was Friday July 6th at 10:00 AM

*Spoiler Alert*

I am also reminded a lot of the Stranger because his way of grieving was a bit his undoing somehow.  

* End of Spoiler Alert*

P.S. I should read the book again

I do turn into blubber occasionally but one can't just "blubber" all the time especially when one is driving for instance.

I keep repeating the best line ever that Priscilla left me during my May visit:

LIFE IS FOR THE LIVING

I was torturing myself with guilt last August over our holidays in Arles and Priscilla kept encouraging me and tell me to go on and send her tons of photos so she could live it vicariously.

Speaking of which I learned in May that a "old friend" of mine used this guilt viciously 

as the cult leader 

we used to have 

used to do.

Anyway there was no guilt here in May and in fact we thrived on that French song that says

Y'a pas d'coupables Y'a pas de honte.
There is no guilt and no shame

When one faces the inexorable grip of death like another prophet Farrokh Bulsara once said:

Anyone can see

NOTHING REALLY
MATTERS ANYMORE.

OK unlike my previous habit I will close this blog to move on to another subject now even though altogether it is the same subject, one big subject altogether.

And as to the "spiritual" things
I stand with Pratchett

Take the universe and grind it down to the finest powder and sieve it through the finest sieve and then show me one atom of justice, one molecule of mercy. and yet... and yet you act as if there is some ideal order in the world, as if there is some... some rightness in the universe by which it may be judged.

Terry Pratchett

Ranting is Life

I recently joined a Facebook group called
The Grumpy Fuckers Cafe! :)

For the life of me I can't go out for like 3 minutes without losing it.

First you encounter so many drivers with their head up their asses that make your short journey twice as long and twice as difficult and fuck knows there is a shit ton of 'em.

Then, then, then, then, you have to go shopping and meet PEOPLE FFS.

One recent example, yesterday we went to Aldi and Sue gives me the Aldi coin to go get a trolley.

When I get to the trolley area there is THREE rows of them, THREE fucking ROWS and an older lady is standing there chatting with one I will kindly refer to as the fat cow, she's got her trolley blocking two rows and she is blocking the third row with the fat cow covering any loose end.

Me, being me, I raised both hands in the air with a look of desperation on the fate of humanity, shaking my head questioning every time why can't people be aware that the world is NOT their fucking oyster and that a public area
IS JUST THAT,
a public area
and not your private little driveway.

(Even though your driveway should not contain noise as noise knows no boundary and will cross into other people "private" driveway.)

We're not talking about entitled millennial little snowflakes here,
we're talking about people my age and older than me.

Anyway to add insult to injury the fat cow said snarly:

Oh How Annoying!

I wish to fuck I was good at confrontations really.

To give them fat arrogant rude cows
a piece of what they deserved.

So the conversation IN MY HEAD
went a little bit like this.

You're FUCKING RIGHT fat cow.
It IS FUCKING annoying.
It is called BRAINS use 'em or lose 'em moronic shit. The world does not belong to you.
Your annoying duty is to help society to run smoothly AND EFFICIENTLY. Not that you would know that if it hit you in the face.
There is an old virtue, an old quality LONG FORGOTTEN. It is called CONSIDERATION
you INCUNTSIDERATE cow.

It's the same thing everywhere it seems. When I ran into this scenario in Canada I just walked away. Life is too short for morons.

In France it is viral.  A client with a queue a mile long behind him or her will hold hostage a single employee and take half an hour to buy a fucking baguette FFS because they wanna tell their life story or need someone to talk to.  

Get a fucking friend or a therapist FFS this is NOT the place nor the time.

It happened to me twice in 5 mins just last week. Some cow who held hostage a single employee at the only money exchange place open for over half an hour and when I went to the chemist to cut time an other person grabbed my chemist to tell them their life story when I went back to the money exchange the cow was STILL there but luckily the other employee was back from her smoko or something.

I KNOW I KNOW the fucking SERENITY to accept the things that CANNOT be changed but FFS I am a dreamer and I have a dream, a dream where people will consider each other when in society, a dream where people will be aware of where they are and of their surrounding.  

Why should I always be the one dodging the fucking zombies either walking with their head up their asses or pitonning as I like to call the action of phone zombies.

SURE I could be the Zen one and not care whether an action takes me 10 mins or 10 hours but I guess I like to shop like a MAN: 

GET IN, GET OUT, GET IT DONE.

Get your money or card ready in line at the cashier use your head and get the fuck out of there.

or as Ani DiFranco would say ANTICIPATE

for every hand extendedanother lies in waitkeep your eye on that oneanticipate

ANTICIPATION and CONSIDERATION
will go a long way.

It's prolly just me again
maybe I am the little snowflake after all.

I keep referring back to my negative golden rule:

 Do NOT do unto others what you don't want them to do unto you.

Maybe also it is because I come from a cold country where people don't fuck around with the puck at minus FORTY.

Anyway rant of the day over,

always the same rant,

always practising my MUSTURBATION

against the best advice of Albert Ellis.

On a lighter note now I met another little old lady at the same Aldi at the very same time on my exit this time instead of my entrance and she made my day.

Long story short we were all lined up at the only open register lane 1, the booze lane, and since they didn't have the booze we wanted anyway when they opened register 4 we moved towards it.

This little old lady in front of us with like 4 articles was ready to let us go in front of her but I refused politely since she only had 4 articles and also I think she was ahead of us in the long line anyway.

So she was tickled pink and so grateful thanking me over and over again saying how much she hated to go shopping at Rockingham Shopping Centre
( A Lady after my own heart lol)

Then we waved goodbye with smiles and I turned to Sue and said:

SEE? I am not THE BEAST they all say I am. LMAO

Swimming against the tide ain't easy.

I always abhor how people try to cash on the latest event.

Trying to win a few clicks out of Jordan Peterson or the latest school shooting or in this instance the latest celebrity suicide and here I am against my best judgement doing the same exact thing just like a hypocrite.

Mind you Suicide as you would know the half dozen of people that read me regularly is an absolute favourite subject of mine.

The method is always of interest to me too.  In Bourdain's and Robin Williams' case, two addicts, they chose to hang themselves instead of the much preferred pills way or your plain overdose.

Listening to a "suicidee" as we speak now, one who chose a much more violent method and very rare in the occidental world: Andre Fortin.

What's next listening to Dolores O'Riordan now? 

In that case we will have to keep speculating over the method mind you even though some heavy ingestion is suspected.

Anyway June the 12th here moving on from my week long jet lag to my traditional post-holiday depression.  Is it related to postpartum depression now? :) 

My pedometer has gone from hectic to nearly dead.

Trying to get some life air energy something by doing something I used to like i.e. writing my blog.

Playing one game  halfheartedly after taking a week to decide.  Another game season coming soon that might keep me busy for 2 days.

Now I've got the longest winter ever in front of me coming out of 3 degrees Celsius in Montreal to go back to 3 degree Celsius this time with no central heating.  Grounded for another 3 months at least if not more so the prospects are not good.

So what am I saying? Absolutely Fuck All as usual just that despite the fairly secluded sheltered easy life that I have well I don't like it.  I am bored out of my skull and worst passionless. 

No I am not going to follow in Bourdain's or Williams' or O'Riordan's footsteps. That would prolly require a terminal sickness or a great decline in quality of life.

I was thinking that in order of turn I should wait for my daughter and my mother to go first anyway. 

Don't know Bourdain that much but the fact that Bourdain and Williams were close to my age hits close to home.  

Mind you I still have this obsession to make it to my 2 billionth second and I've got almost a full year to wait for that now and wait and wait and wait.

So here you go my 3 to 6 readers my state of mind at the mo.

With the current weather one could also add or blame seasonal depression to post-travelling depression mind you.

and like Forrest Gump That's all I got to say about that.

New Jerusalem, Eldorado, and Other Myths

My brain seems to have kicked in the
"Rise to the Occasion" mode already LOL|

Imagine a Mecca with who knows
how many billions of souls

roaming the eternity gaily 

trying all to cram in

or fly to Pluto

on the most Holy Day now?

And a floating CUBE at that

defying all the laws of physics?

(I know I know

God is not bothered by physics 😈 )

Or maybe the New Jerusalem

is just a Borg Ship after all?

You WILL be ASS imilated!

New Jerusalem if we are to believe the fairy tales would be about the size of Pluto
(smaller than our Moon) 

Using of course the Magic Number of 12

multiplied by a thousand

and funnily enough the measure standards of the time:

a fucking stadia of all things

an ancient Greek unit of length, based on the length of a typical sports stadium of the time. 

Seriousfuckingly now

People HAVE to start thinking FFS

Allegory Shmallegory

Symbolic Shambolic 

and of course the holy rollers
who take all this LITERALLY

12,000 stadia,
the equivalent of 1,400 miles
or 2,200 kilometers,

Really? REALLY?

shaking my head in disbelief now

We ARE all Deuterostomes!

We are all Deuterostomes!

We all are born assholes. (Arseholes for Brits and Australians)

We're born an asshole
we live mostly as assholes
and we die well as shite really.

Dust, Ashes, Fertiliser, so Shite really,
 or Whatchamacallit.

Death is literally our last dump.

All this "enlightenment" came to me while reading cracked.com of  course! 😈

While reading about our many double standards and so much more

Well if you read me before it is nothing new really.

I do not hold much faith in human nature or humanity as you all know.

Some people say we are good by nature
to which I strongly disagree but even then 

We are good by nature UNTIL
and that is the big big word UNTIL.

People might be really nice to you in many countries but IF they were learn that you are an atheist for instance well it could be quite dangerous if not deadly they would turn into foaming at the mouth animals and maybe quarter you, or dismember you, or behead you, or just spread the rumours and the hate and the shunning.

Not only atheist,
any chip on their shoulders one might have.

The example that comes to mind now
is Thelma & Louise among many others.

Everyone of us like Peterson says
in his Jungian lingo
has a Shadow,
an animal inside of him
what is it again in Freudian terms an Id?

I do,  and you do too.

To deny it is one of the most dangerous form actually as history has taught us many times in many revolutions and political movements
or just mass hysteria a la Zola's Germinal for instance.

So if we walk the line people might appear to be nice
and if you follow the tide you may be fine for a while.

Enough dribbling shit for the mo

even though it keeps my mind from exploding 
and my fuses and breakers from popping these days 
in these rough times in so many ways  😛

So think on that all you Deuterostomes out there. 😜